Hi. My name is Angela and I'm a perfectionist. Perfectionism permeates all areas of my life. It's a blessing and a curse. Mostly a curse...but I suppose that's what a perfectionist would say. :)
I often feel that I don't measure up as a nurse, a co worker, a friend, a daughter, a person. My faith life isn't any different. I think I've set up the expectation for myself that I must achieve perfection like Jesus. It's a ridiculous thought, I know. Of course, it's not a bad thing to strive for perfection but I think I kid myself in thinking that it's achievable on this side of heaven.
I think that's part of the reason why this journey of infertility has been so difficult for me. I have to remind myself that it is a JOURNEY. Which means I don't have to get it right the first time. Or the second time. God is patient with me no matter how many times it takes me. And even then, it won't be perfect.
Today was a frustrating day for me in a life of perfectionism. I was doing so well. I was at peace, I was being patient, I was trusting that God will answer our prayer. God has given me so many assurances and encouragement through His scripture and through other people. I even had a stranger pray for me...who had no idea of our situation and in her prayer she made a reference to Psalm 127:3 which says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward."
So all of these things should be enough for me to not worry and to wait expectantly for God to answer our prayer. But today was a hard day for me. I cried and I grieved once again that MY story isn't panning out. Okay, I accepted that this pregnancy was going to take longer than I hoped. But I think I still hoped that we could get pregnant on our own without any interventions. We are now facing more testing and treatments for infertility and I have to learn to surrender my story and accept God's story for us. No matter what that means. No matter how long it takes. But that's not easy for me. I still want control over it. I still want to write my own story. But that's normal, right?
I'm still figuring this all out and I am admitting that I don't have it together. I feel that others are expecting me to have it together and to accept this challenge in stride and to be an example and a light to others in my faith and trust in God. If I'm honest, it's probably just my perception and it's really me creating that expectation for myself. Now I just have to convince myself that it's okay to not have it together and I need to rely on God to help me. That's the other thing I am trying to learn. I try to do too much on my own strength and power. I felt guilty today for not being joyful in all circumstances. I feel I need to do better but it's only the Spirit working in me that is going to bring me to a point that I can truly be joyful.
So yes, I am still a perfectionist but I've decided I'm not going to pretend to be someone or somewhere I'm not. I pray that God will continue to work in me. I pray that I will be more accepting of His story and that the refining of my faith will prepare me for God to use me in great ways.
