I think part of our human nature is to try to make sense or find purpose in adversity. There is so much we don't understand about the world and we often ask our "why" questions when we experience suffering or loss. I have been asking why for about 16 months now in regards to our infertility but two weeks ago, a bigger why question was added, "Why did my friend have to die at 26 years old and leave behind a beautiful wife and daughter?" I know that I will never understand on this side of heaven or maybe ever but there is something that groans inside of us when these things happen because we KNOW that THIS IS NOT HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. I take comfort knowing that this groaning that we have comes from a God who will one day redeem this world and take away our tears and suffering.
However, until that day comes, the questions and groanings and pain don't go away. So now not only am I grieving our infertility but also the loss of a very close friend and the grief of those left behind who loved Danny so much. I try to make sense of it all and usually in times like these, it's impossible to find the answer to "Why?" I definitely can't make sense of why Danny was diagnosed with cancer in the first place and why Corrine had to lose her husband so early and why Aria won't know her daddy.
So far I haven't really been able to make sense of why it's so difficult for us to get pregnant. It especially doesn't make sense when people who don't want to be pregnant or shouldn't be pregnant, have babies or get abortions and yet we long to love a child of our own and that has been withheld from us. I don't think that's the way God wants it either but yet here we are, still waiting. So I try to grab onto any purpose of why I have to experience loss month after month after month. Not that it takes away the pain, but it eases the blow.
Looking back over the past 6 weeks since Danny was diagnosed with cancer, Dave and I spent a lot of time with them whether it was sitting with them at the hospital or infusion center, eating dinner with them at home or watching Aria so Corrine could be with Danny at the hospital. After he passed away, we have spent hours with Corrine, Aria and the families and were able to make the trip to Ontario to support the family as we said our goodbyes to Danny.
Although I can't make sense of why this all had to happen in the first place, God knew all of this would happen so maybe our role during this time in our lives was not to be parents but to be friends. I'm not sure we would have been able to be there in the same way if we would have had a baby.
Now, Danny is gone and there is a void in our lives that can't be filled with anything or anyone else but it seems like now would be a good time to be able to celebrate new life. But, that wish has not been granted so we will keep praying that some day it will. In the meantime, Aria will be the ray of sunshine in our lives and we will celebrate her life and the joy that she brings us.
