Still Journeying...

I wish I could say that I've accepted infertility as a part of my life.  I wish I could say that I trust God wholeheartedly with his plan and that I have peace with whatever His timing may be.  I wish I could say that I didn't get sad or envious or maybe even bitter when other woman announce their pregnancy or mad when they start complaining about their kids.  I wish I could say what the apostle Paul stated in Philippians "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every circumstance."

There are moments when I do feel at peace and cling to the promise that God has a plan for me - plans for hope and a future.  But when the rubber hits the road and "that time of the month" comes around again, it's really difficult to see the good in it all.  

In a recent Bible study lesson, we talked about unbelief.  In the book of Numbers, the Israelites continued to grumble against Moses and God about their situation which ultimately led to 40 years of wandering and not being able to enter the Promised Land.  Their unbelief prevented them from experiencing God's promises.  

I struggle with this a little bit in terms of the infertility.  Do I believe that God CAN bless us with our own child?  Absolutely!! Do I believe that he WILL?  I can't answer that question.  He might not...having our own might not be part of His plan.  I can't put all my eggs in that basket because the disappointment would be too great if it didn't work out.  But is that unbelief?? I don't know.  

Maybe the promise I have to believe and have faith in is the promise that He will work all things out to His glory and that He does have a plan and whatever plan that is, He will give us what we need to get through it.  If adoption is the path He has marked out for us, then I have to have faith that He will bring me to a place where that's okay.  But again, am I just cutting corners?  Should I believe 100% that He'll give us one of our own?  It's something I continue to wrestle with.  

I've found myself trying to put on a face for God in my prayers.  I pretend that I have it all together and force myself to have the "right" response.  I quickly realized how ridiculous that was because he knows my heart.  Instead, I just need to tell Him how I'm feeling and allow Him to help me in my unbelief.  

So as much as I would like to tell and show you all that I have it all together and that I'm responding to this infertility like I'm "supposed" to...I'm not there yet. I'm still wrestling, struggling, growing and journeying.  

Thank you for your prayers for Dave and I during this journey and we ask for continued prayers as we continue to wait and hope for a baby.