About a month ago, when I was really despairing and having a really rough week, someone shared this verse with me. I hadn't really heard the verse before but it cut deep into my soul.
"To all who mourn in Israel, He will bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." Isaiah 61:3
Although this has been a tough journey, I started thinking of the things that I can be thankful for during the past year and a half...blessings that we might have not experienced without going through infertility.
Supportive, loving family and friends
I knew before all of this that I had great family and friends but we've really been blessed by the love, encouragement and support that we've received from family and friends. When Dave and I went to a support group for infertility, one woman expressed how she couldn't tell her mom because she was afraid her mom would gossip about her to the rest of the family. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this without support from my family (and friends).
Prayers not only from family and friends - but strangers!
I am so humbled by how many people are interceding for us. When I joined my group through BSF, I very quickly told them what was going on. The next week, I had at least 4 women come up to me and say they had been praying for me all week....they had just met me two weeks before!! That was so humbling for me. My dad told me that he has told people at work and they have said they would pray for me too. Wow - that a complete stranger would take time to pray for us - I am so grateful.
A better appreciation that children are a gift from God
If I hadn't gone through this journey, I think I would have been quicker to take my children for granted. I would have assumed that children are just a given without taking into consideration that God is in control of all. I hope that once we get to the other side of this, I will have a deeper appreciation for my children and I will be less quick to complain about the hardships that come from parenthood. I know I won't be perfect and parenting is no walk in the park, but I hope God will remind me of my strong desire to be a mom and will remind me to see it as a privilege, not a right.
More opportunities with Dave
Starting last winter, Dave and I started ballroom dancing lessons. This had always been a dream of mine and it was so much fun. It was such a blessing in my life for that time and it was so nice to have a hobby to enjoy together. We wouldn't have had the opportunity to do that together if we had gotten pregnant right away. We also experienced another summer full of camping and trips to South Carolina, Honduras and Seattle. I'm grateful to say that the journey of infertility has strengthen our marriage, not torn it apart.
Deeper and stronger faith
This is one of the biggest things I see in all of this. Early in the journey, I seriously doubted my faith. How could I believe in a God that would put me through this and WITHHOLD one of my strongest desires? I really had put my faith through the ringer to decide if this was something I really wanted to believe in. My faith wasn't as strong as I thought it was. A storm came, and the foundation crumbled. But He is helping me build it back up, stronger than it was before. Hopefully when other storms come in the future, my foundation will be a little more sturdy than before.
I've heard it said that God will go at great lengths to bring us back to Him and take away our stubborn pride - the illusion that we have control of our lives. I can definitely see how the infertility has centered me back on who is really in control. Of course, I often try to take it back but each month is a reminder who is really in control.
I can't say that I want infertility as part of my life but looking at the good and the blessings gives more purpose to the pain and focusing on a BIG God causes the circumstance to look much smaller. Oh I wish I had this perspective every day. As my previous blog shows, things can get pretty ugly and doubt and discouragement and despair can seep in pretty quickly. It's all a part of the journey. The journey of trusting and having faith not just on the "good" days but also on the days when it's REALLY hard and it doesn't seem like there's an end in sight. That's where the real test comes in. That's when I will try to find beauty in the ashes.
