My journey of infertility didn't end when I became pregnant.
Of course the infertility part is over but I found that the effects of our journey were not quick to disappear.
Days after finding out we were pregnant, I felt a tug of war within myself. I was so grateful and happy for our news yet there was some reservation. I prayed for this for so long so why was I having all these other emotions?
Don't get me wrong, I never felt ungrateful but after months of praying and wrestling, it was hard for me to simply switch gears. Early on, the grief of infertility still stuck to me like a wet blanket. I discovered that the grief was more familiar to me than the pregnancy. I was well acquainted with grief; it had been my companion for two years and did not immediately disappear as I had expected. The pregnancy still felt surreal (or not real at all) and I wasn't quite sure what to do with my experiences over the past 2 years. I began to wonder how I would still be able to relate to and encourage those who had been walking the infertility journey with me. I was moving on from that stage in the journey and wanted so badly to bring them with me. I knew that they would be happy for me but also that I would now be a reminder of what they were still waiting for. I had "graduated" from that group yet I didn't really feel like I fit in with other pregnant moms. My growing belly didn't tell the story of where I've been and I felt this need to explain to everyone that this pregnancy did not come without difficulty.
I think this need to explain stemmed from a fear that my pregnancy would negate the journey and minimize the pain it took to get here. However, as time has gone by, I've realized that infertility will always be a part of who I am and it's a part of my story and God's story in my life. It was no mistake that I experienced what I did and that I am where I am now. I learned invaluable lessons that I know will remind me of God's faithfulness especially in the midst of the storms yet to come. Part of my heart will always remain in the infertility community and I continue to pray for those still struggling.
I am happy to say that the grief has taken a back seat as I watch my body change and my belly grow. Every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded by the miraculous gift that has been entrusted to me and I am filled with joy and peace. I am so grateful for this next stage in our journey and looking forward to the lessons God will teach me in parenthood. :)
