For weeks now, maybe even months I keep having this desire to write and document how God is currently working in my life. Then the business of work and motherhood and just life creeps in and by the end of the day my brain isn't capable of forming sentences anymore.
But this stuff is too good and too scary and too big to keep to myself forever so it's time to finally get it on paper. If anything, it's a way for me to look back and see how God has stretched me farther than I thought was possible.
God has been speaking to me quite loudly through books, sermons and conversations lately and has been challenging the way I've thought about my faith and Christianity. There is so much I could go into here...so much that God has been revealing to me. But it pretty much boils down to:
What if God is calling me to something more?
I love having a comfortable life. I have an awesome husband and beautiful son. I love our home and the small quiet town that we live in. We have loving family and friends. We have a great life. Isn't this what God has called me to? If things are going well, doesn't that mean that I'm in God's will?
Although a large part of me is happy with continuing this comfortable life, there is a part of me that feels unsettled and I'm sensing the Holy Spirit is making me uncomfortable with my comfortable life so He can really show up in a big way and show me what a life after Christ really looks like. As Jennie Allen asks in her book Anything, I'm asking myself, "What if my life was going so beautifully because I wasn't chasing after God?"
God has been telling me lately ( over and over again) that following Jesus is costly. I'm faced with the question that if I say I'm following Jesus and it's not costing me anything, am I really following? Can I follow Jesus AND have a comfortable, easy life? I'm not sure anymore.
The early church leaders in the Bible certainly didn't live comfortable lives. Most were martyred for Christ's sake. They were persecuted and far from home in order to share God's love with the world.
Does this mean I have to sell everything and move across the world? Maybe, maybe not. Being uncomfortable can manifest itself in many ways. Moving would be uncomfortable (to put it lightly) but so would talking with my neighbors about God. I think the point is more about how I'm not sure that God wants me to comfortable. Comfort tells me that I'm doing fine on my own, that I don't really need God. Comfort tends to put my God in a box instead of seeing what He can do when I get out of the way.
In a lot of ways, I am sick of just standing on the sidelines. I'm sick of calling the play then sitting on the bench. I'm curious about what a life surrendered to Jesus looks like. What He could do in my life if I took out my own agenda and plans and just listened to the Holy Spirit and where He wants to lead me.
And yet the idea of going through with this makes me go into a cold sweat. It scares me. I've had lots of tears lately, growing pains I'll call it, as God is slowly trying to bring me to a place where I'll do anything for Him.
His latest question to me as been, Do you love me more than your husband? More than your son? More than your desire to grow your family? More than your quiet, peaceful life in Zeeland?
I want my answer to yes. I think we all do, but if God took my husband, my son, my home, my own life, would I still be able to say "Praise the name of the Lord?"
So I'm praying that God will continue to work in my heart and bring me to a place where I can say I will do anything for Him.
Even though this scares me so much...just writing this all out and admitting it on paper, my stomach is in knots and tears come to my eyes...I also know that this is what Jesus meant when He said that only when we lose our life will we find it. He also reminds us that He will not only give us life but life to the FULL. It's not easy but I do believe it is a joy filled life.
Stay tuned. I have a feeling that God is going to shake up my life even more.
