A few weeks ago in our Bible study, we talked about how before the Israelites entered the Promised Land, Moses recounted their story: their journey from Egypt, through the 40 years in the desert to being at the edge of the land God had promised them. Not only did he remind them of their rebellion and sin against God, but he reminded them of God's faithfulness, mercy and grace to them. It was an opportune time for the Israelites to look back at their story to see how God was with them and had carried them through.
This reminded me how important it is to look back on the story that God has given us. Each one of us can look at the road map of the past and see the twists, the turns, the smooth rides, and the times where we were a little lost. This landscape has shaped us to who we are and looking back at it shows us how we have grown through the experiences and how God was with us. Not only is it important to look back, it's also important to record our story and share it with others so others can be encouraged by God's provision and grace.
In response to this, I looked back at all of my blog posts so far about our story and journey of infertility. Interestingly enough, my first post was about sharing stories!
When I wrote that 8 months ago, I was just coming out of a dark hole of loneliness and isolation. Early on in our journey, we didn't really share with very many people what we were going through which left me feeling like I was the only one. Infertility and other pregnancy related issues can be extremely isolating. Before I wrote my first post, I searched Christian blogs on infertility, grasping for some comfort. I remember pouring over them, crying and saying to myself, "Yes! That's how I feel too!" It was a bit liberating knowing I wasn't crazy and someone else had the same feelings I was experiencing.
I wouldn't have experienced that comfort if those women hadn't shared their story. Their vulnerability became my hope. It can be very scary to share our stories and struggles. Being vulnerable means taking a risk but through looking back at our story, God has taught me that vulnerability can also be a blessing.
Like I mentioned before, we didn't tell very many people at all about our infertility until about 8 months ago. It was hard to tell people at first, being uncertain of what the reactions would be. Over time, it became easier and not only did I find overwhelming support and love from those we told but it seemed that women and couples struggling with infertility started coming out of the woodwork! After asking my BSF group for prayer for our infertility, FIVE women came up to me and shared they had struggled with it as well.
The opposite has been true as well. I recently stumbled across a blog of an acquaintance from my past. Her and her husband are currently struggling with a pregnancy related issue and her writing and honesty touched my heart. Her vulnerability in sharing her struggles, her questions, her faith and her pain resonated so strongly with me and I felt called to reach out to her to let her know she was not alone. In doing so, we were both touched by each other's stories and we both received another boost of prayer and encouragement to keep moving us forward.
Sharing with others and having others share with me as been a huge encouragement and it's been in part one of the reasons that has kept me going. With every woman who says "me too," I take another step away from loneliness and isolation and a step into hope and community. But that hope only came from being vulnerable. My vulnerability in telling others what I'm struggling with opened the door for others to share what they are experiencing or have experienced and vice versa.
That being said, I'm taking another step of vulnerability and sharing with more people about our struggle with infertility. I wish to share my story with more people to encourage others to share theirs - even if it's not related to infertility. We all have a story to share and each of our stories can somehow be connected with another story. Through sharing we not only learn to encourage one another and walk through these trials of life TOGETHER, but we also learn about GOD'S STORY - his grace, faithfulness and mercy through it all.
I also pray that through sharing with more people, God will use my story to encourage someone else, just like God has used others to encourage me. To whoever is reading this, I pray that whatever you are going through, pregnancy related or not, you will find comfort in community and blessing through vulnerability. Know that you are not alone...you never were....God has been with you all along.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Monday, April 6, 2015
Barren
It's easier to write on the good days. On the not so good days, my mind is a little more fuzzy and the words don't come so easily. I've been surprised over the last few weeks how quickly the days (or hours) can go from good to bad. Easter is a time for celebration. Not only celebrating what Jesus did for us and His amazing grace and love for us but celebrating the hope of eternity. How comforting it is to know that our pain is temporary and there will be a day where we will live without pain and heartache FOREVER. I went to bed last night thanking God for that hope but this morning I was reminded that the pain and heartache is still here. Although God is always with me to get me through it, the sadness hasn't been taken away yet.
Until recently, I never thought much of the term "barren" when referring to infertility. We don't really use that term much any more but the Bible often refers to women as being barren. What an appropriate word to use. Being infertile feels barren. Empty. Deserted. Lifeless. Incapable of producing life. A wasteland.
I'm tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of the tears. Tired of negative pregnancy tests. Tired of broken hope. Tired of telling my husband he's not a dad this month. I'm so tired. Will it ever end?
"Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
It's on these days that God reminds me I'm not alone. He is with me. It's on these days where all I can do is allow Him to carry me through it. It's on these days where He draws me closer and urges me to keep my trust in Him.
So even though the pain is not gone and God has not taken away the thorn in my flesh, He promises to me as He did to the Apostle Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
I will continue to cling to the hope that this pain is temporary and I will look forward to the day when Christ will make all things new.
Even on the hard days, I still serve a risen Savior.
Until recently, I never thought much of the term "barren" when referring to infertility. We don't really use that term much any more but the Bible often refers to women as being barren. What an appropriate word to use. Being infertile feels barren. Empty. Deserted. Lifeless. Incapable of producing life. A wasteland.
I'm tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of the tears. Tired of negative pregnancy tests. Tired of broken hope. Tired of telling my husband he's not a dad this month. I'm so tired. Will it ever end?
"Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
It's on these days that God reminds me I'm not alone. He is with me. It's on these days where all I can do is allow Him to carry me through it. It's on these days where He draws me closer and urges me to keep my trust in Him.
So even though the pain is not gone and God has not taken away the thorn in my flesh, He promises to me as He did to the Apostle Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
I will continue to cling to the hope that this pain is temporary and I will look forward to the day when Christ will make all things new.
Even on the hard days, I still serve a risen Savior.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Looking for Beauty in the Ashes
About a month ago, when I was really despairing and having a really rough week, someone shared this verse with me. I hadn't really heard the verse before but it cut deep into my soul.
"To all who mourn in Israel, He will bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." Isaiah 61:3
Although this has been a tough journey, I started thinking of the things that I can be thankful for during the past year and a half...blessings that we might have not experienced without going through infertility.
Supportive, loving family and friends
I knew before all of this that I had great family and friends but we've really been blessed by the love, encouragement and support that we've received from family and friends. When Dave and I went to a support group for infertility, one woman expressed how she couldn't tell her mom because she was afraid her mom would gossip about her to the rest of the family. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this without support from my family (and friends).
Prayers not only from family and friends - but strangers!
I am so humbled by how many people are interceding for us. When I joined my group through BSF, I very quickly told them what was going on. The next week, I had at least 4 women come up to me and say they had been praying for me all week....they had just met me two weeks before!! That was so humbling for me. My dad told me that he has told people at work and they have said they would pray for me too. Wow - that a complete stranger would take time to pray for us - I am so grateful.
A better appreciation that children are a gift from God
If I hadn't gone through this journey, I think I would have been quicker to take my children for granted. I would have assumed that children are just a given without taking into consideration that God is in control of all. I hope that once we get to the other side of this, I will have a deeper appreciation for my children and I will be less quick to complain about the hardships that come from parenthood. I know I won't be perfect and parenting is no walk in the park, but I hope God will remind me of my strong desire to be a mom and will remind me to see it as a privilege, not a right.
More opportunities with Dave
Starting last winter, Dave and I started ballroom dancing lessons. This had always been a dream of mine and it was so much fun. It was such a blessing in my life for that time and it was so nice to have a hobby to enjoy together. We wouldn't have had the opportunity to do that together if we had gotten pregnant right away. We also experienced another summer full of camping and trips to South Carolina, Honduras and Seattle. I'm grateful to say that the journey of infertility has strengthen our marriage, not torn it apart.
Deeper and stronger faith
This is one of the biggest things I see in all of this. Early in the journey, I seriously doubted my faith. How could I believe in a God that would put me through this and WITHHOLD one of my strongest desires? I really had put my faith through the ringer to decide if this was something I really wanted to believe in. My faith wasn't as strong as I thought it was. A storm came, and the foundation crumbled. But He is helping me build it back up, stronger than it was before. Hopefully when other storms come in the future, my foundation will be a little more sturdy than before.
I've heard it said that God will go at great lengths to bring us back to Him and take away our stubborn pride - the illusion that we have control of our lives. I can definitely see how the infertility has centered me back on who is really in control. Of course, I often try to take it back but each month is a reminder who is really in control.
I can't say that I want infertility as part of my life but looking at the good and the blessings gives more purpose to the pain and focusing on a BIG God causes the circumstance to look much smaller. Oh I wish I had this perspective every day. As my previous blog shows, things can get pretty ugly and doubt and discouragement and despair can seep in pretty quickly. It's all a part of the journey. The journey of trusting and having faith not just on the "good" days but also on the days when it's REALLY hard and it doesn't seem like there's an end in sight. That's where the real test comes in. That's when I will try to find beauty in the ashes.
"To all who mourn in Israel, He will bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." Isaiah 61:3
Although this has been a tough journey, I started thinking of the things that I can be thankful for during the past year and a half...blessings that we might have not experienced without going through infertility.
Supportive, loving family and friends
I knew before all of this that I had great family and friends but we've really been blessed by the love, encouragement and support that we've received from family and friends. When Dave and I went to a support group for infertility, one woman expressed how she couldn't tell her mom because she was afraid her mom would gossip about her to the rest of the family. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this without support from my family (and friends).
Prayers not only from family and friends - but strangers!
I am so humbled by how many people are interceding for us. When I joined my group through BSF, I very quickly told them what was going on. The next week, I had at least 4 women come up to me and say they had been praying for me all week....they had just met me two weeks before!! That was so humbling for me. My dad told me that he has told people at work and they have said they would pray for me too. Wow - that a complete stranger would take time to pray for us - I am so grateful.
A better appreciation that children are a gift from God
If I hadn't gone through this journey, I think I would have been quicker to take my children for granted. I would have assumed that children are just a given without taking into consideration that God is in control of all. I hope that once we get to the other side of this, I will have a deeper appreciation for my children and I will be less quick to complain about the hardships that come from parenthood. I know I won't be perfect and parenting is no walk in the park, but I hope God will remind me of my strong desire to be a mom and will remind me to see it as a privilege, not a right.
More opportunities with Dave
Starting last winter, Dave and I started ballroom dancing lessons. This had always been a dream of mine and it was so much fun. It was such a blessing in my life for that time and it was so nice to have a hobby to enjoy together. We wouldn't have had the opportunity to do that together if we had gotten pregnant right away. We also experienced another summer full of camping and trips to South Carolina, Honduras and Seattle. I'm grateful to say that the journey of infertility has strengthen our marriage, not torn it apart.
Deeper and stronger faith
This is one of the biggest things I see in all of this. Early in the journey, I seriously doubted my faith. How could I believe in a God that would put me through this and WITHHOLD one of my strongest desires? I really had put my faith through the ringer to decide if this was something I really wanted to believe in. My faith wasn't as strong as I thought it was. A storm came, and the foundation crumbled. But He is helping me build it back up, stronger than it was before. Hopefully when other storms come in the future, my foundation will be a little more sturdy than before.
I've heard it said that God will go at great lengths to bring us back to Him and take away our stubborn pride - the illusion that we have control of our lives. I can definitely see how the infertility has centered me back on who is really in control. Of course, I often try to take it back but each month is a reminder who is really in control.
I can't say that I want infertility as part of my life but looking at the good and the blessings gives more purpose to the pain and focusing on a BIG God causes the circumstance to look much smaller. Oh I wish I had this perspective every day. As my previous blog shows, things can get pretty ugly and doubt and discouragement and despair can seep in pretty quickly. It's all a part of the journey. The journey of trusting and having faith not just on the "good" days but also on the days when it's REALLY hard and it doesn't seem like there's an end in sight. That's where the real test comes in. That's when I will try to find beauty in the ashes.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Still Journeying...
I wish I could say that I've accepted infertility as a part of my life. I wish I could say that I trust God wholeheartedly with his plan and that I have peace with whatever His timing may be. I wish I could say that I didn't get sad or envious or maybe even bitter when other woman announce their pregnancy or mad when they start complaining about their kids. I wish I could say what the apostle Paul stated in Philippians "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every circumstance."
There are moments when I do feel at peace and cling to the promise that God has a plan for me - plans for hope and a future. But when the rubber hits the road and "that time of the month" comes around again, it's really difficult to see the good in it all.
In a recent Bible study lesson, we talked about unbelief. In the book of Numbers, the Israelites continued to grumble against Moses and God about their situation which ultimately led to 40 years of wandering and not being able to enter the Promised Land. Their unbelief prevented them from experiencing God's promises.
I struggle with this a little bit in terms of the infertility. Do I believe that God CAN bless us with our own child? Absolutely!! Do I believe that he WILL? I can't answer that question. He might not...having our own might not be part of His plan. I can't put all my eggs in that basket because the disappointment would be too great if it didn't work out. But is that unbelief?? I don't know.
Maybe the promise I have to believe and have faith in is the promise that He will work all things out to His glory and that He does have a plan and whatever plan that is, He will give us what we need to get through it. If adoption is the path He has marked out for us, then I have to have faith that He will bring me to a place where that's okay. But again, am I just cutting corners? Should I believe 100% that He'll give us one of our own? It's something I continue to wrestle with.
I've found myself trying to put on a face for God in my prayers. I pretend that I have it all together and force myself to have the "right" response. I quickly realized how ridiculous that was because he knows my heart. Instead, I just need to tell Him how I'm feeling and allow Him to help me in my unbelief.
So as much as I would like to tell and show you all that I have it all together and that I'm responding to this infertility like I'm "supposed" to...I'm not there yet. I'm still wrestling, struggling, growing and journeying.
Thank you for your prayers for Dave and I during this journey and we ask for continued prayers as we continue to wait and hope for a baby.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Surrender
"There must be full surrender before full blessing."
Dave and I recently started attending BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). It's an amazing opportunity for men and women from all kinds of denominations coming together to study the Bible. I have learned so much in the past 3 weeks and of all things we are studying the book of Leviticus. :) (There's my little plug for BSF!)
Last week, our teacher shared the quote - "There must be full surrender before full blessing." This quote hit me because this entire journey of infertility has been teaching me the discipline of surrender. It's not just a one thing and you're done...not for me anyways. It requires almost a daily surrender - opening up my hands and asking God to take it from me because I'm miserable trying to take care of it on my own. This quote reminded me that it's all or nothing . Isn't that what surrender means anyways? If you are only giving up part, it's not really surrender.
I looked up the definition of surrender. It's to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting because you know you will not win or succeed. It's to give control of something to someone else and it's to allow something or someone to influence or control you.
What a great picture this paints for me. There has been a lot of fighting, resisting and trying to hold on to control over the past year and a half. I tried for so long to hold on tight to the control I thought I had. I resisted giving it up and then it hit me: I will not win. I don't remember exactly when it happened - a couple months ago I think but I was miserable and was fighting for so long that I was exhausted and realized that this was going to end badly if I kept clinging to this. I told God to take it from me - he could have my infertility - I was sick of it, didn't want to hang onto it any longer because it was eating me up inside. At the time, it was more of a throwing it back in his face than quietly surrendering it. I still find myself wanting to take it back, to try to put it back in my hands and in my timing but God is quietly reminding me to trust Him and leave it in His hands because I've already surrendered it. I've already given over that control....I already know that I will not succeed with it on my own.
But like I said, this is daily discipline. My sinful nature gets in the way and I recognize that without God, I can't surrender it in the first place. He helps me and gently pries my gripped hands open and tells me, "Give it me, I will make your burden light - let me carry this heavy load for you."
When I heard the quote at BSF I realized that I have to fully give this infertility over to God in order to see the blessings. I realize that the blessings might not be in the form that I'm expecting or hoping to see but there will be blessings.
I hope that you - whoever may be reading this - will consider what you need to surrender to God. Do you feel like you're not seeing the blessings from God? Maybe he's waiting for you to surrender.
Dave and I recently started attending BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). It's an amazing opportunity for men and women from all kinds of denominations coming together to study the Bible. I have learned so much in the past 3 weeks and of all things we are studying the book of Leviticus. :) (There's my little plug for BSF!)
Last week, our teacher shared the quote - "There must be full surrender before full blessing." This quote hit me because this entire journey of infertility has been teaching me the discipline of surrender. It's not just a one thing and you're done...not for me anyways. It requires almost a daily surrender - opening up my hands and asking God to take it from me because I'm miserable trying to take care of it on my own. This quote reminded me that it's all or nothing . Isn't that what surrender means anyways? If you are only giving up part, it's not really surrender.
I looked up the definition of surrender. It's to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting because you know you will not win or succeed. It's to give control of something to someone else and it's to allow something or someone to influence or control you.
What a great picture this paints for me. There has been a lot of fighting, resisting and trying to hold on to control over the past year and a half. I tried for so long to hold on tight to the control I thought I had. I resisted giving it up and then it hit me: I will not win. I don't remember exactly when it happened - a couple months ago I think but I was miserable and was fighting for so long that I was exhausted and realized that this was going to end badly if I kept clinging to this. I told God to take it from me - he could have my infertility - I was sick of it, didn't want to hang onto it any longer because it was eating me up inside. At the time, it was more of a throwing it back in his face than quietly surrendering it. I still find myself wanting to take it back, to try to put it back in my hands and in my timing but God is quietly reminding me to trust Him and leave it in His hands because I've already surrendered it. I've already given over that control....I already know that I will not succeed with it on my own.
But like I said, this is daily discipline. My sinful nature gets in the way and I recognize that without God, I can't surrender it in the first place. He helps me and gently pries my gripped hands open and tells me, "Give it me, I will make your burden light - let me carry this heavy load for you."
When I heard the quote at BSF I realized that I have to fully give this infertility over to God in order to see the blessings. I realize that the blessings might not be in the form that I'm expecting or hoping to see but there will be blessings.
I hope that you - whoever may be reading this - will consider what you need to surrender to God. Do you feel like you're not seeing the blessings from God? Maybe he's waiting for you to surrender.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Finding Purpose
I think part of our human nature is to try to make sense or find purpose in adversity. There is so much we don't understand about the world and we often ask our "why" questions when we experience suffering or loss. I have been asking why for about 16 months now in regards to our infertility but two weeks ago, a bigger why question was added, "Why did my friend have to die at 26 years old and leave behind a beautiful wife and daughter?" I know that I will never understand on this side of heaven or maybe ever but there is something that groans inside of us when these things happen because we KNOW that THIS IS NOT HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. I take comfort knowing that this groaning that we have comes from a God who will one day redeem this world and take away our tears and suffering.
However, until that day comes, the questions and groanings and pain don't go away. So now not only am I grieving our infertility but also the loss of a very close friend and the grief of those left behind who loved Danny so much. I try to make sense of it all and usually in times like these, it's impossible to find the answer to "Why?" I definitely can't make sense of why Danny was diagnosed with cancer in the first place and why Corrine had to lose her husband so early and why Aria won't know her daddy.
So far I haven't really been able to make sense of why it's so difficult for us to get pregnant. It especially doesn't make sense when people who don't want to be pregnant or shouldn't be pregnant, have babies or get abortions and yet we long to love a child of our own and that has been withheld from us. I don't think that's the way God wants it either but yet here we are, still waiting. So I try to grab onto any purpose of why I have to experience loss month after month after month. Not that it takes away the pain, but it eases the blow.
Looking back over the past 6 weeks since Danny was diagnosed with cancer, Dave and I spent a lot of time with them whether it was sitting with them at the hospital or infusion center, eating dinner with them at home or watching Aria so Corrine could be with Danny at the hospital. After he passed away, we have spent hours with Corrine, Aria and the families and were able to make the trip to Ontario to support the family as we said our goodbyes to Danny.
Although I can't make sense of why this all had to happen in the first place, God knew all of this would happen so maybe our role during this time in our lives was not to be parents but to be friends. I'm not sure we would have been able to be there in the same way if we would have had a baby.
Now, Danny is gone and there is a void in our lives that can't be filled with anything or anyone else but it seems like now would be a good time to be able to celebrate new life. But, that wish has not been granted so we will keep praying that some day it will. In the meantime, Aria will be the ray of sunshine in our lives and we will celebrate her life and the joy that she brings us.
However, until that day comes, the questions and groanings and pain don't go away. So now not only am I grieving our infertility but also the loss of a very close friend and the grief of those left behind who loved Danny so much. I try to make sense of it all and usually in times like these, it's impossible to find the answer to "Why?" I definitely can't make sense of why Danny was diagnosed with cancer in the first place and why Corrine had to lose her husband so early and why Aria won't know her daddy.
So far I haven't really been able to make sense of why it's so difficult for us to get pregnant. It especially doesn't make sense when people who don't want to be pregnant or shouldn't be pregnant, have babies or get abortions and yet we long to love a child of our own and that has been withheld from us. I don't think that's the way God wants it either but yet here we are, still waiting. So I try to grab onto any purpose of why I have to experience loss month after month after month. Not that it takes away the pain, but it eases the blow.
Looking back over the past 6 weeks since Danny was diagnosed with cancer, Dave and I spent a lot of time with them whether it was sitting with them at the hospital or infusion center, eating dinner with them at home or watching Aria so Corrine could be with Danny at the hospital. After he passed away, we have spent hours with Corrine, Aria and the families and were able to make the trip to Ontario to support the family as we said our goodbyes to Danny.
Although I can't make sense of why this all had to happen in the first place, God knew all of this would happen so maybe our role during this time in our lives was not to be parents but to be friends. I'm not sure we would have been able to be there in the same way if we would have had a baby.
Now, Danny is gone and there is a void in our lives that can't be filled with anything or anyone else but it seems like now would be a good time to be able to celebrate new life. But, that wish has not been granted so we will keep praying that some day it will. In the meantime, Aria will be the ray of sunshine in our lives and we will celebrate her life and the joy that she brings us.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Journey of a Perfectionst
Hi. My name is Angela and I'm a perfectionist. Perfectionism permeates all areas of my life. It's a blessing and a curse. Mostly a curse...but I suppose that's what a perfectionist would say. :)
I often feel that I don't measure up as a nurse, a co worker, a friend, a daughter, a person. My faith life isn't any different. I think I've set up the expectation for myself that I must achieve perfection like Jesus. It's a ridiculous thought, I know. Of course, it's not a bad thing to strive for perfection but I think I kid myself in thinking that it's achievable on this side of heaven.
I think that's part of the reason why this journey of infertility has been so difficult for me. I have to remind myself that it is a JOURNEY. Which means I don't have to get it right the first time. Or the second time. God is patient with me no matter how many times it takes me. And even then, it won't be perfect.
Today was a frustrating day for me in a life of perfectionism. I was doing so well. I was at peace, I was being patient, I was trusting that God will answer our prayer. God has given me so many assurances and encouragement through His scripture and through other people. I even had a stranger pray for me...who had no idea of our situation and in her prayer she made a reference to Psalm 127:3 which says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward."
So all of these things should be enough for me to not worry and to wait expectantly for God to answer our prayer. But today was a hard day for me. I cried and I grieved once again that MY story isn't panning out. Okay, I accepted that this pregnancy was going to take longer than I hoped. But I think I still hoped that we could get pregnant on our own without any interventions. We are now facing more testing and treatments for infertility and I have to learn to surrender my story and accept God's story for us. No matter what that means. No matter how long it takes. But that's not easy for me. I still want control over it. I still want to write my own story. But that's normal, right?
I'm still figuring this all out and I am admitting that I don't have it together. I feel that others are expecting me to have it together and to accept this challenge in stride and to be an example and a light to others in my faith and trust in God. If I'm honest, it's probably just my perception and it's really me creating that expectation for myself. Now I just have to convince myself that it's okay to not have it together and I need to rely on God to help me. That's the other thing I am trying to learn. I try to do too much on my own strength and power. I felt guilty today for not being joyful in all circumstances. I feel I need to do better but it's only the Spirit working in me that is going to bring me to a point that I can truly be joyful.
So yes, I am still a perfectionist but I've decided I'm not going to pretend to be someone or somewhere I'm not. I pray that God will continue to work in me. I pray that I will be more accepting of His story and that the refining of my faith will prepare me for God to use me in great ways.
I often feel that I don't measure up as a nurse, a co worker, a friend, a daughter, a person. My faith life isn't any different. I think I've set up the expectation for myself that I must achieve perfection like Jesus. It's a ridiculous thought, I know. Of course, it's not a bad thing to strive for perfection but I think I kid myself in thinking that it's achievable on this side of heaven.
I think that's part of the reason why this journey of infertility has been so difficult for me. I have to remind myself that it is a JOURNEY. Which means I don't have to get it right the first time. Or the second time. God is patient with me no matter how many times it takes me. And even then, it won't be perfect.
Today was a frustrating day for me in a life of perfectionism. I was doing so well. I was at peace, I was being patient, I was trusting that God will answer our prayer. God has given me so many assurances and encouragement through His scripture and through other people. I even had a stranger pray for me...who had no idea of our situation and in her prayer she made a reference to Psalm 127:3 which says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward."
So all of these things should be enough for me to not worry and to wait expectantly for God to answer our prayer. But today was a hard day for me. I cried and I grieved once again that MY story isn't panning out. Okay, I accepted that this pregnancy was going to take longer than I hoped. But I think I still hoped that we could get pregnant on our own without any interventions. We are now facing more testing and treatments for infertility and I have to learn to surrender my story and accept God's story for us. No matter what that means. No matter how long it takes. But that's not easy for me. I still want control over it. I still want to write my own story. But that's normal, right?
I'm still figuring this all out and I am admitting that I don't have it together. I feel that others are expecting me to have it together and to accept this challenge in stride and to be an example and a light to others in my faith and trust in God. If I'm honest, it's probably just my perception and it's really me creating that expectation for myself. Now I just have to convince myself that it's okay to not have it together and I need to rely on God to help me. That's the other thing I am trying to learn. I try to do too much on my own strength and power. I felt guilty today for not being joyful in all circumstances. I feel I need to do better but it's only the Spirit working in me that is going to bring me to a point that I can truly be joyful.
So yes, I am still a perfectionist but I've decided I'm not going to pretend to be someone or somewhere I'm not. I pray that God will continue to work in me. I pray that I will be more accepting of His story and that the refining of my faith will prepare me for God to use me in great ways.
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