Barren

It's easier to write on the good days.  On the not so good days, my mind is a little more fuzzy and the words don't come so easily.  I've been surprised over the last few weeks how quickly the days (or hours) can go from good to bad.  Easter is a time for celebration.  Not only celebrating what Jesus did for us and His amazing grace and love for us but celebrating the hope of eternity.  How comforting it is to know that our pain is temporary and there will be a day where we will live without pain and heartache FOREVER.   I went to bed last night thanking God for that hope but this morning I was reminded that the pain and heartache is still here.  Although God is always with me to get me through it, the sadness hasn't been taken away yet. 

Until recently, I never thought much of the term "barren" when referring to infertility.  We don't really use that term much any more but the Bible often refers to women as being barren.  What an appropriate word to use.  Being infertile feels barren.  Empty.  Deserted. Lifeless.  Incapable of producing life. A wasteland. 

I'm tired.  Tired of waiting.  Tired of the tears.  Tired of negative pregnancy tests. Tired of broken hope.  Tired of telling my husband he's not a dad this month. I'm so tired. Will it ever end?

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

It's on these days that God reminds me I'm not alone. He is with me.  It's on these days where all I can do is allow Him to carry me through it. It's on these days where He draws me closer and urges me to keep my trust in Him.

So even though the pain is not gone and God has not taken away the thorn in my flesh, He promises to me as He did to the Apostle Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I will continue to cling to the hope that this pain is temporary and I will look forward to the day when Christ will make all things new.

Even on the hard days, I still serve a risen Savior.