"Do you have kids?"
"No."
"How long have you been married?"
"Four years."
"So when do you plan on start having kids?"
Since my infertility is no secret anymore, I responded to both them by saying, "My husband and I are going through infertility." I didn't say it to make them feel bad for asking but more to provide an awareness that it isn't that easy for everyone.
Maybe it was my nonchalant manner in my answer but the response I received from both of them was not exactly what I was expecting.
"Oh, okay! Smile and nod. No look of concern or "I'm sorry to hear that."
I wasn't looking for pity or sympathy from these people but just wanted them to think twice about asking strangers those questions. Perhaps they were putting on a face under the "Oh crap! What do I say now??" Very well could be...
These encounters made me realize that so many people just don't get it. They don't understand all the layers and pain and tears under the word "infertility." They don't understand the loss that takes place every, single, month. And why would they? I can't expect them to know what it feels like to wait month after month after month for that second pink line if they've never experienced it themselves or seen someone they love go through it. I don't blame them for it as I know they didn't mean to be insensitive but I wish there was more awareness.
It also made me think about what I may do or say with good intentions that may come off as insensitive to someone else. Everyone has struggles and all of us "don't get" a lot of things.
I don't know what it's like to lose a spouse, a parent, a sibling or a child.
I don't know what it's like to be unemployed, waiting month after month, year after year for a job.
I don't know what it's like to go through a divorce or be in an abusive relationship.
I don't know what it's like to have a mental illness or see someone I love struggle with it.
I don't know what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck and not know how the bills will be paid.
I don't know what it's like to have a child with a disability.
I don't know what it's like to have a debilitating, degenerative disease.
I don't know what it's like to struggle with an addiction .
What I do know is that "stuff" happens to everyone at some point in their lives and there will be many times that we won't "get" what the other person is going through.
I also know that even though we don't know what it's like to be in their situation (and in some ways we never will), there are still things we can do to love, encourage, and support them. Going through infertility has made me more sensitive to others' struggles and needs. I'm more careful not to minimize their feelings and less quick to try and offer advice. Although I know that everyone is different and responds to things differently, I've tried to avoid the things that I've found not so helpful and respond in ways that I've found to be encouraging in my situation. I know it's difficult to know what to do or say when someone else is struggling. We're afraid of making things worse by saying the wrong things. Over the past couple years, I've learned through my journey and supporting others on their journeys some of the "Dos" and "Don'ts." I realize that these are not universal but I have found them to be helpful.
- Trying to fix it is not the answer
- It's okay to not always have the words to say
- JUST LISTEN
- A card or a simple text goes a long way
- (Hate to say it) Quoting Scripture is not always helpful
- Give space when needed
- Do not underestimate the power and importance of prayer
- "Checking in" shows you care
- Sometimes we need to pray when others can't
- Be very careful with giving advice
- Affirm feelings, don't minimize them
I don't list these things to make others feel guilty if they have or have not done them and they are as much reminders for me as anyone else. None of us will be perfect at saying or doing the "right" things but I think having better awareness is important.
There will always be those of us that won't get it. There will always be insensitive comments and useless advice. ("Just relax and it will happen" is my personal favorite.) I've learned to just roll with the punches (depending on my hormones...hehe) and surround myself with people who are supportive and sensitive. I can't control what others say or do but I can control how I respond to others when they are hurting. I thank God for giving me a glimpse of the pain that people experience every day and giving me a better awareness and sensitivity towards it. It's just one of the ways that God is shaping and molding me through this difficult, trying journey of infertility.
