No Fight Left

I am no different than the Israelites.

It's easy to read through the Old Testament and think, "C'mon guys, you're turning away from God AGAIN?!?? You really are a stiff necked people!!"  We think we would have done better if we had been in their shoes.  I'm not entirely convinced of that...

I am just as stiff necked and stubborn as they are.

The Israelites so quickly forgot their past and what God had done for them and so easily began complaining or losing faith in God's promises for them.

How quickly I forget and despair.  I feel like I've already forgotten the lessons God has been teaching me through BSF and through the journey of infertility.

My anger and frustration comes back. My questions and grumbling and crying out,
"Why are you making me go through this?!?"   I forget that He has been faithful.  I forget that there have been blessings in the desert. I forget that God has brought me this far and He will continue to carry me.

But I have no fight left.

It's too hard. Too painful.  Perhaps that's a sign that I've started to carry it on my own again.

The Israelites forgot that it wasn't by their own power or strength that they would take over the Promised Land.  So they got scared, let unbelief sink in - which led them wandering in the desert for 40 years and never seeing the Promised Land.  Their unbelief prevented them from seeing God's power and promises.

It's not by my own strength that I can get through this.  It's too heavy and burdensome. So why is it so hard to give up when I know it will be lighter when I do?

I hear the messages from church.  God has a plan. Trust Him no matter what.  He works things out for the good.  Why is it so hard to accept those messages?  I know in my heart that it's true but it's not that easy.

Maybe it's easy for other people.  It wasn't that easy for the Israelites and it's not that easy for me.  I'm still wandering in the desert with the Israelites.  Still learning the hard lessons over and over of trust. Of reliance on God not for the week or for the month but just one day at a time.  Of remembering to see and recognize the blessings in the desert and to hold onto God's promises.

All I can do is thank God for grace and 2nd chances because even after all I've seen in the past year and a half, it hasn't prevented me from doubting and losing faith that God's plan for us is really the best one.

I'm encouraged that even Moses got overwhelmed and cried out to God at times.  After hearing the people complain and grumble over and over, He started complaining to God.

"Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth?...I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now - if I have found favor in your eyes - and do not let me face my own ruin."  Numbers 11:11-12a, 14-15

What's encouraging to me is what God does next.  He doesn't beat Moses over the head for his complaints and not trusting that He would help him.  In fact, He does the opposite.  He provides Moses with 70 elders to help him and Moses then walks forward in faith.

God renewed Moses's faith in the midst of his discouragement and complaints and God will renew my faith if I turn to Him with my discouragement and doubts.

Friends, pray for me as I try to surrender this over and over and pray that my faith will be renewed by giving my doubts and pain and discouragement and questions and tears to Him.

There is no fight left on the inside
But maybe that's where I should be.  
I've given up trying
I'm giving it all to You.
- JJ Heller