Remembering Danny

This Saturday will mark one year since we lost our dear friend Danny.  He will always have a special place in our hearts and we look forward to the day when we will be reunited with him in heaven.  Here is a letter I wrote to him as a way to process, reflect and remember his life and life without him over the past year. <3 

Danny,

It's hard to believe that it's been one year since we've lost you.  I have been thinking a lot about you lately as I think about memories and think about what this past year has been like without you.  

I'm grateful for the fun memories I have with you: watching Lost at the Ridgewood house, going to Coldplay and The National concerts, Spring Break 2010, camping and playing games.  We occasionally played games with the four of us and you usually took the longest to play your turn. :)  We could see the wheels turning as you carefully and strategically thought out each move.   I suppose that's what made you so good at games. :)  

Though we had lots of fun times together, we had our hard moments together as well.   I can still remember your face when Dave and I shared with you and Corrine that we were struggling with infertility. Your face displayed such care and concern. You patiently listened and didn't say things to try and fix it but grieved with us and gave me such a big strong hug that I knew you were hurting with me.  Your response to our struggle meant a lot to me. Thank you for that.  I can also see your face when I walked into the emergency room a year ago.  I saw the concern and the pain in your eyes and wished I could make it better.  I had trouble sleeping the night before you passed away, thinking about you and feeling like something wasn't right.   Little did I know what was to come. 

November 7 is a day that I still remember so vividly.  The sunrise on my way to work was so breathtaking and the verse from Lamentations came to my mind.  I texted you but I don't think you ever saw it and little did I know that I would be reading that same verse at your funeral. 

Seeing the sunrise this morning on my way to work, I was reminded by the verse that His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness. He promises to never let you go. Love you.  

On my lunch break that day, I went to Walgreens to buy Sea Bands since my fertility drugs were making me feel nauseous.  I bought an extra pair for you and planned to drop them off on my way home from work.   I wanted to help you feel better. 

I will never forget the moment when I got that phone call.  Even after a year, I can remember the shock, the disbelief, the sinking feeling in my gut when I heard the words, "Danny passed away." 

Even thinking back on the day, as vivid as it is in my mind, it still seems surreal.  How did we lose you?  The nurse side of me starts to ask the what ifs though I know that God in His sovereignty allowed for that to happen.  I am so grateful that Dave and I saw you the night before you passed away.  So grateful that I had spent so much time with you the previous month.  I will forever cherish those moments. 

After the funeral, I wanted time to stand still.  It seemed wrong that the rest of the world carried on yet you weren’t here anymore.  Yet, time kept moving.  

It’s been an up and down year.  Every time I’m with Aria, especially when it’s just me and her, I think about how proud you would be of her.  I think about the promise I made to myself to help take care of Corrine and Aria in your absence.  I also think how blessed I am to be a part of Aria’s life.   If I could change this, I would bring you back but God has a way of redeeming even the crappiest things and one of those things is having Corrine and Aria in my life in a way that they never would have been otherwise. 

I hope that heaven gives you glimpses of your little girl.  She has captured my heart and the heart of so many others.   (She's totally got Dave's heart too! :))  I see God's grace written all over her through her (almost) constant smiling face, her giggles, her snuggles, her little pats on the back that she gives to Corrine, her wet kisses.  It's so fun to watch her learn and grow.  You would be so proud of her...she is extremely smart, just like her parents. 

You would be so proud of Corrine as well.  God has given her such grace as she navigates this world of single parenthood.  She is an AMAZING mom.  She continues to think of others before herself and has stayed strong in her faith.  Our friendship has grown immensely and I am so blessed by her kindness, compassion, honesty, and love.  

In the midst of reflecting on the void our lives have now, I also think about how blessed you are to be experiencing the full glory of our LORD Jesus Christ.  As Christians on this earth, we long for that day to see Him face to face and you beat us to the party. J   We miss you lots but praise God for the hope that we have of heaven.  Can't wait to join you for the party.   Love you Danny.

Angela

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

"For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.  I know that full well."
Psalm 139:13-14

Today we had our 20 week ultrasound.

Leading up to this week, I was feeling very nervous.  About a week ago, I came down with the stomach flu and couldn't keep anything down.  I was so worried about the baby and worried Baby wasn't getting what he/she needed because I couldn't eat or drink.   I've been concerned over that in general throughout my pregnancy since eating has been a challenge.

My worry continued as I've watched loved ones around me get flung on different paths than they were hoping or expecting.  As I grieve with those close to me who have lost a loved one or are mourning a relationship, I've become quite aware that things may not turn out the way we plan them to.

All of this has been my first (of many) lesson of parenthood in surrendering control and giving it back to God.  I ultimately know that God is the one who has this child in His hands, not me.  It is His breath that sustains life in this little one.  Yes, He has entrusted us with the responsibility of raising and nurturing our child but ultimately He determines the steps and future of him/her.

This morning, I felt a peace wash over me.  I knew that whatever the results, God would be there and I made a decision that if the results ended up not being what we hoped for, I would still trust God with His plan no matter how difficult.  I am so grateful that God has given us yet another gift of grace and has blessed us with normal results and a healthy baby so far.

It is truly a miracle to see this life inside of me and to feel him/her move around.  I am daily amazed at the miracle of life and how God truly has knit each of us together.  I can't help but praise Him for who He is and for creating me and this little one inside of me.  To Him be the glory.