Lavish Love

 A few months back, I went back and re-read some of my blog posts from when we were going through infertility.  I was again reminded at how faithful God has been to our family.  We were given a very slim chance of conceiving on our own and each pregnancy (all conceived naturally I might add) has been a testimony of God's grace in answering our prayers.  

I think back to 6 years ago when I wondered whether we would ever have children of our own.  Oh how many tears I cried, prayers I prayed, pleading with God to give us a child.  I can remember two instances during that time when I felt God telling me that we would one day have children.  At the time, I wasn't certain if that's what He was really saying and it was easy to doubt that promise when months would go by without a positive pregnancy test.  I can look back now and see how He really was speaking to me, telling me that He would answer our prayers.  But it was all in His timing.  

Fast forward and now we are anticipating a FOURTH child.  FOUR!  My heart is so overwhelmed at His graciousness.  Six years ago, I wouldn't have been able to fathom being pregnant with a fourth child.  But isn't that just God's character? How he lavishes His love on us?  Gives us more than what we would could ever ask or imagine? 

But do you know what's even more amazing than this story and testimony that He has given our family?  It's the story that we celebrate today on Christmas. It's the story that weaves us all together. The story of love coming down as a baby in a manager so many Christmases ago.  It's God's lavish love on a world so in need of a Savior.  What could be a better expression of love?  

On this Christmas Day, I am celebrating new life.  New life inside me but also new life given to me through Christ.  In a crazy year of so much disappointment and division, I hope that you will feel the hope, peace, joy and love that comes through celebrating the day when Christ came to earth.  Merry Christmas to you all! 

"I celebrate the day that you were born to die 

so I could one day pray for you to save my life. "

I Celebrate the Day by Relient K 

Progress

 As an enneagram 1 who struggles with an inner critic always telling me that I'm not a good enough *fill in the blank* and I should be better, it's hard for me to feel good about myself sometimes.  But when I look back at the past 3 months, I am so encouraged and proud of the progress I have made.  This isn't to toot my own horn but I thought I would share a little bit of my journey so maybe others can be encouraged by it too.  

Over the summer, I was noticing that I was experiencing a lot of irritability, anxiety, and sometimes anger.  At times, I felt out of control and helpless to stop my emotions.  Unfortunately, my kids took the brunt of it and I was left feeling guilt and shame for screaming at them. Again. I did not feel like myself so I reached out to a counselor. Shortly after, I called my midwife and was told that in addition to the general stress from the pandemic, I likely struggle with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). 

Through the encouragement of my counselor, I reached out to a woman in my neighborhood who owns her own fitness business and signed up for her exercise classes.  I started exercising 4 days a week - something I have never done consistently in my entire life. I started taking supplements consistently and tried to watch my diet a little more closely.  I turned off my Facebook account for awhile and removed my news apps and I'm trying as much as I can to get outside at least a little bit every day.  I started creating new routines at home with my kids to provide more consistency and habits. I started BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) and have been reading the Bible and praying more. 

As I have added these things, I am becoming more aware of things that affect my mood and I'm trying to adjust as needed.  I am finding that it takes A LOT of work and intentionality.  For me, it's a balancing act between all the things I mentioned above.  I'm certainly not perfect at getting them all in every day but I notice such a big difference when I pay attention to them.  

I just had my last session with my counselor (for now at least) and as I look back, I see how God has provided through it all.  He has put all these different people in my life, particularly my counselor and fitness coach who have been a huge source of encouragement and accountability for me.  I am just so grateful for the growth that I have seen in myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  I've lost almost 5 lbs, I have more energy and feel more connected with my kids.  I'm feeling more alignment to God's truth and have more joy. 

All that to say, I still have bad days.  I still yell at my kids. I still don't get as much sleep as I should.  I still dread getting up at 5am to work out. I still get caught up in the political divisiveness and forget to center myself on Jesus.  But again, I am so grateful for the progress and the ways God is working in all these different areas of my life.  

Learning to be loved

I've been reading blogs of people very dear to me recently and they've inspired me to resurrect my own blog.  I can't compete with their writing skills but I can try ;) 

God revealed something to me the other day. It was simple yet profound and I'm still working on carving out some time to really ponder it and explore it more deeply.  

I was with my husband and thinking about his kindness, his patience, and his love.  I was thinking about how safe I feel with him and how certain I am of his love for me.  There are times when I don't understand why he loves me the way he does, how he can love me with all my imperfections but I never doubt that he does.  I don't try to earn his love and I don't think I need to do anything in order for him to love me.  He just does. He loves me for who I am....warts and all.  

I've often thought about how my husband's personality and demeanor is just what I need and how I probably would have struggled more in a marriage with someone who has a different personality type.  

As an ennegram one, I struggle with the question and inner voice that is constantly asking, "Am I good enough?" I strive for perfection and at my worst I believe my value is tied to how "good" I am.  Whatever that means. 

So to have a husband who is so gentle and does such a great job affirming me often, I have come to trust his love and believe that there's nothing I could do for him to love me less. 

So as I'm thinking of all this, God started to speak. 

Why is it so easy for you to trust Dave's love for you yet doubt my love for you? I love you more than Dave does so why do you think you have to earn my love? I don't love you based on what you do or don't do, I love you no matter what.  

And then I realized that maybe God was quite intentional with who he picked to be my husband.  He gave me Dave as a glimpse of His love for me. He knew I would always struggle with believing in His unconditional love, so he gave me a human example of what that looks like (however imperfect that might be)...which makes sense because one of the primary purposes of marriage is to reflect God's love to the world, right? 

So I hope to sit in that a little more. Think about Dave's love for me and then multiple that by a million to just scratch the surface on God's love for me.  It's incomprehendable but maybe little by little I'll be able to trust more and more that He loves me when I think I'm being "good" and just as much when I think I've totally screwed up.  

Just the fact that he gave me Dave is an example of how he cares for me and wants to show me the riches of his love.  And I'm so so grateful for that.  

LISTEN

I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions.  Partly because it's not really part of my personality and I've always had a pessimistic view of them.  Why make one if no one really keeps them anyways?

I was reading another blogger and instead of making a resolution, she chose a single word for 2017.  Something she wanted to define the year by.

There were lots of words that came to mind for me but I've landed on LISTEN.

I've recently realized that I am a terrible listener.  Or at least a lot worse than I thought I was.  (There's probably some "Amens!" out there from my family and friends).

I was listening to a lecture on leadership and the speaker said, "if you're thinking about what you're going to say next, you're not really listening."   Guilty.  I do that all the time.  I often think I need to have the answers or have a really good piece of advice to offer so while the other person is talking I'm thinking about how I would handle the situation or what to say to them next to share my opinion. Totally not listening.  

How would my relationships be different if I really listened?  If I removed my agenda, my opinions and ONLY listened?  It sounds kind of freeing actually.  I don't have to think about how I'm going to argue my point, give my opinion, or offer advice.  I just have to listen and really soak in what the person is trying to say.

It's usually pretty obvious if someone isn't really listening to you.  I want people to feel that they have my full attention because that's what makes people feel valued.  It's a way of telling them they are more important than the text message I just got or the to-do list that running through my mind.  And they are more important than my desire to look good and give "wise" advice.  Since when is advice giving wanted anyways?  Most people aren't looking for it unless they specifically ask for it.  They just want someone to listen.

This isn't going to be easy.  Since it's a resolution, it's bound to fail right?  But I'm still going to try and be better at it than I was yesterday.

Becoming Uncomfortable with the Comfortable Life

For weeks now, maybe even months I keep having this desire to write and document how God is currently working in my life.  Then the business of work and motherhood and just life creeps in and by the end of the day my brain isn't capable of forming sentences anymore.

But this stuff is too good and too scary and too big to keep to myself forever so it's time to finally get it on paper. If anything, it's a way for me to look back and see how God has stretched me farther than I thought was possible.

God has been speaking to me quite loudly through books, sermons and conversations lately and has been challenging the way I've thought about my faith and Christianity.   There is so much I could go into here...so much that God has been revealing to me.  But it pretty much boils down to:

What if God is calling me to something more? 

I love having a comfortable life.  I have an awesome husband and beautiful son.  I love our home and the small quiet town that we live in.  We have loving family and friends. We have a great life.  Isn't this what God has called me to?  If things are going well, doesn't that mean that I'm in God's will?

Although a large part of me is happy with continuing this comfortable life, there is a part of me that feels unsettled and I'm sensing the Holy Spirit is making me uncomfortable with my comfortable life so He can really show up in a big way and show me what a life after Christ really looks like.  As Jennie Allen asks in her book Anything, I'm asking myself, "What if my life was going so beautifully because I wasn't chasing after God?"  

God has been telling me lately ( over and over again) that following Jesus is costly.   I'm faced with the question that if I say I'm following Jesus and it's not costing me anything, am I really following?  Can I follow Jesus AND have a comfortable, easy life?  I'm not sure anymore.

The early church leaders in the Bible certainly didn't live comfortable lives. Most were martyred for Christ's sake. They were persecuted and far from home in order to share God's love with the world.

Does this mean I have to sell everything and move across the world? Maybe, maybe not.  Being uncomfortable can manifest itself in many ways. Moving would be uncomfortable (to put it lightly) but so would talking with my neighbors about God.   I think the point is more about how I'm not sure that God wants me to comfortable.  Comfort tells me that I'm doing fine on my own, that I don't really need God. Comfort tends to put my God in a box instead of seeing what He can do when I get out of the way.

In a lot of ways, I am sick of just standing on the sidelines. I'm sick of calling the play then sitting on the bench.  I'm curious about what a life surrendered to Jesus looks like.  What He could do in my life if I took out my own agenda and plans and just listened to the Holy Spirit and where He wants to lead me.

And yet the idea of going through with this makes me go into a cold sweat.  It scares me.  I've had lots of tears lately, growing pains I'll call it, as God is slowly trying to bring me to a place where I'll do anything for Him.

His latest question to me as been, Do you love me more than your husband?  More than your son? More than your desire to grow your family? More than your quiet, peaceful life in Zeeland?

I want my answer to yes. I think we all do, but if God took my husband, my son, my home, my own life, would I still be able to say "Praise the name of the Lord?"

So I'm praying that God will continue to work in my heart and bring me to a place where I can say I will do anything for Him.

Even though this scares me so much...just writing this all out and admitting it on paper, my stomach is in knots and tears come to my eyes...I also know that this is what Jesus meant when He said that only when we lose our life will we find it.  He also reminds us that He will not only give us life but life to the FULL.  It's not easy but I do believe it is a joy filled life.

Stay tuned.  I have a feeling that God is going to shake up my life even more.

Six Months

6 months. Half a year.  In some ways it feels it has gone by quickly yet it's also hard to imagine life without our little (or not so little) Eli.  Time is funny that way.

Every day has been a blessing.  That's not to say that there aren't days when I'm completely exhausted or get impatient or frustrated.  Trust me, the days are far from perfect but at the end of the day as I put him to bed and watch him sleep, my heart is so full and I thank God for blessing us with another day with our son.  

I love being a mom  I've had a few different jobs over the years but nothing has given me as much of a sense of purpose and fulfillment than being a mom.  I feel totally in my element and feel that it's something that comes naturally for me.  This does not mean I'm perfect or don't doubt myself on a regular basis.  My husband will tell you how I've asked countless times, "Are we doing the right thing?!??"  But every day that I get with Eli feels like such a privilege to be able to watch him grow and learn.  To be able to hold him and kiss his cheeks and tell him how much I love him.  It all seems too good to be true.  

You might think I'm a little morbid for thinking this but I'm under a constant realization that I don't have control over Eli's life and God could chose to take him at any moment.  I wouldn't say it's something I'm constantly thinking about or worrying about but it's just a reminder that every day is a gift.  I think it also comes from the realization and experience that life doesn't always go as planned.   Seasons always change and there will be storms that will come again.  

Until then, I am making every effort to enjoy every day of this joyful season.  I'm trying to soak it all in, to relish every moment, not take anything for granted.  It's tempting to think ahead and get excited for the "next" thing. But I'm reminded by these past 6 months that time goes so fast so I'm taking time to enjoy the present moment.  I know I won't be able to hold him in my arms forever.  And let's face it, once he starts crawling and walking there's no turning back...and once he starts talking I'll probably look back on these days quite fondly. :)  

It's easy to be joyful in this season when things are going so well.  I pray that God will remind me of this attitude when the storms come again and that I will learn to be grateful not just in the good times but the hard times as well.  To learn to not take things for granted even when it's more tempting to wish the days away. 

Today, I celebrate the joy the past 6 months has brought to me and the love and grace God has shown me through this little (or not so little) boy so full of life and love and laughter.  I love you Eli and I love being your mom!

P.S.  You're so adorable I can hardly stand it! 

Love Through Food

So I decided to do it - I had my first (quite informal) "supper club" meeting last week.  I was inspired to do this by some authors I've been reading (you can read more about that here).  It's not an official group yet and there are no guidelines yet on what it will look like.   To start off, I just invited some of my girlfriends over for dinner with just one "rule."  No kids. :) 

That morning in the kitchen, I was in my element.  Trying new recipes, music on, ingredients and utensils spread out all over the kitchen, mixing flavors together to create something delicious.  

As a side note, I'm reading Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist and there are 29 recipes in it.  My goal is to go through them all.  I had done 5 up until that night so I decided to try out 2 more for our "supper club" dinner. 

I decided on chicken enchiladas with chips and salsa (and margaritas) for dinner and flourless brownies for dessert.  I've never been a big chocolate person until after I had Eli...not even so much when I was pregnant.  Maybe the amazing chocolate cake I ate in the hospital after giving birth triggered the chocolate center in my brain and it hasn't been turned off since. ;)  

Despite trying 2 recipes for the first time, I was pretty convinced that everything would turn out perfectly.   Now, baking has never been my forte. (This is why I cook instead).  Baking is all about timing things just right.  Take it out of the oven to soon and you're eating warm batter. Take it out too late and it's hard as a rock.  I rarely seem to get it right and usually it's on the gooey side because there's nothing worse than burnt cookies.  

So these brownies were tricky.  There are flourless so I was expecting them to be more fudge-y than cake-y.  But I still think I undercooked them.  I was slightly disappointed and debated not serving them at all since they didn't turn out like I had planned and I didn't want my guests eating brownie batter (despite the fact that it's still chocolate and still delicious).  But then I remembered what I read in Shauna's book.  

Entertaining people in your home isn't about putting on a show and making everything perfect.  It's about making your guests feel comfortable and allowing them space to be who they need to be in that moment.  She says, 

"...entertaining isn't a sport or a competition. It's an act of love, if you let it be.  You can twist it and turn it into anything you want - a way to show off your house, a way to compete with your friends, a way to earn love and approval. Or you can decide that every time you open your door, it's an act of love, not performance or competition or striving. You can decide that every time people gather around your table, you goal is nourishment, not neurotic proving. You can decide." (p 195) 

So I decided that I would serve those imperfect brownies.  We added some vanilla ice cream to them and they were fantastic. 

But even more fantastic was the company and conversation.  We are all mothers, two of us very recent mothers, one single mother and many of us mothers who struggle to take time for ourselves.  It was amazing to take a step back from our normal, busy routines, to take off our "mom" hats and just BE.  I was grateful for the community we created around that dinner table; the time we took to nourish our bodies and our souls.   I hope that my guests saw it as an act of love, a space where they could breathe for just a moment, enjoy the hot summer weather - not worry about making dinner or doing the dishes.   I hope to do this more.  There are many ways we can show love to others.  My way just happens to be through food. :)  

For This Child I Prayed

For This Child I Prayed. 

This plaque sits on the wall directly across from the rocking chair in Eli's room.  Whether I'm rocking him to sleep, feeding him in the middle of the night or reading him a story, I look at it often and each time I do, I say a little prayer of thanks to God.  It's a constant reminder of the miracle He has given to us. 

This week I am especially reminded of this.  This past weekend Dave, Eli and I spent a night at Interlochen State Park where Dave's parents were camping, the same weekend that we spent camping there last year.  I remember that weekend quite vividly as it was the weekend before I found out I was pregnant.  

About this time last year, Dave and I had taken a break from fertility treatments.  I was burned out, didn't have any fight left in me and just needed the summer to clear my mind from ovulation tests, fertility drugs and negative pregnancy tests. That weekend while we were camping, I kept waiting for that monthly cycle to come around as I knew it would. 

Day after day, I kept waiting. As each day passed, I would get my hopes up then quickly suppress them as I knew better than to set myself up for disappointment.  I specifically remember walking to the bathhouse with Dave, feeling the cramps, and feeling frustrated, wishing it would just come already so my mind would stop playing games with me.   

By Sunday there was still no sign.  I was late but refused to take a pregnancy test.  I just knew it would be negative and couldn't handle another disappointment. 

By Tuesday night I was going crazy.  I asked God to spare me from the all the wondering and if my period was going to come, to just get it over and done with.  I decided that I would take a pregnancy test the next morning.  Even if it was negative, I just had to know. My heart couldn't take it anymore. 

Wednesday morning I woke up before Dave and took a test.  Unlike the previous 22 months, I couldn't watch it and wanted to wait until the time was up before looking at it. But out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw 2 blue lines.  Before really looking, I got Dave out of bed so he could look with me. There were 2 lines.  Clear as day. No question.  We both sat on the bathroom floor trembling, hugging each other and I started to cry.  It was so surreal.  We immediately prayed and thanked God for blessing us with this gift.  

So this weekend as I was walking back from that same bathhouse, on that same path I walked a year ago, I was filled with emotion as all the memories and feelings flooded back to me. The waiting. The tears. The hopes and disappointments. 

And as I walked to our campsite, tears in my eyes thinking how Eli is here with us now, again I was reminded. 

For This Child I Prayed.  For This Child We Prayed.  

I thanked God for answering our prayer, so humbled and grateful for what He has given us. 

I'll always remember that little path and how God can bring beauty from the ashes. Interlochen will always have a special place in my heart as it marked the end of our infertility journey and the beginning of a new chapter in our lives.  

And I will continue to remind myself through the sweet and hard moments that For This Child I Prayed. <3    I love you, Eli.  

Community Around the Dinner Table

Last week I finished a book called "For the Love" by Jen Hatmaker and I'm currently in the middle of "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist.  Both of these books and authors have really struck a chord with me and I feel that these ladies are "my people."  I love it when I read a blog or in this case a book and it feels that the author has somehow discovered a secret window into my life and has written my thoughts and feelings and experiences and beliefs in a such a beautiful perfect way that I could have never articulated myself.  Every page I turn, I think "yes, I know exactly what you mean!" or "I think that all the time!" 

These books have really gotten me to ponder on the things that are important in life and the theme that has stuck out the most is finding community around the dinner table.  They both have a love for cooking and a deep appreciation for good food, which I also share with them.   They both have supper clubs either weekly or monthly where they sit around the table with those they love and nourish their bodies and souls with good food, laughter and company.  What they describe at these supper clubs sounds so magical, something beautiful being created out of something so mundane and ordinary like eating.  

Then I realized how much of Jesus's ministry was spent around food or eating.  He turned water to wine at a party, fed thousands with some loaves of bread and a couple of fish.  He cooked breakfast for his friends and shared meals with the tax collectors and outcasts.   His last night with his closest friends was spent around the table with bread and wine.  

There is something so mysterious and beautiful about sharing a meal with people you love.  It forces us to slow down from our fast food paced lives and savor each bite and moment and appreciate it for what it is.  It reminds us what's truly important in life (good food, in my opinion, is up there). 

All of this has made me consider possibly putting together my own supper club.  So we'll see where that goes.  In the meantime, find some friends, cook them a meal and experience the beauty and joy that comes from eating around the dinner table and experiencing authentic community. 

My Birth Story

I have always been terrified of labor.  

Media has a way of showing labor as a traumatic experience - the woman screaming and snapping at her husband, going through agonizing pain. Of course, the ending is always happy and worth it but the labor is seen as a necessary evil and means to an end.

I consider myself to have a low pain tolerance so I have always worried how I would have a baby.  During our infertility, I thought on multiple occasions that God wasn't going to bless us with a baby of our own because He knew I wouldn't be able to handle labor and delivery.  

Thankfully, I was wrong.  :) 

The journey I took and the preparation I had during my pregnancy completely changed my perspective on birthing and I can honestly say that I enjoyed our birth experience.  I have become passionate about women and couples advocating for themselves and being informed about labor and birthing.  

I know there are a million ways to have a baby and none of them are right or wrong.  The "right" birth experience is one that fits the couple's desires and beliefs.  Even then, I recognize that there are always unplanned events with birth and it won't always go as you hoped.  

I wanted to share my story and journey of natural childbirth because it's something I believe in very strongly.  There are so few people that I have heard say they enjoyed their birth and I think there's a lot we can do to change that.  Again, I don't expect anyone to follow exactly what we did.  In fact, that would be contrary to what I'm trying to get across as each birth is so individualized.  I do strongly encourage women and couples to be well informed about the benefits and risks to each aspect of labor and birth so they can make the best decisions for themselves and their baby. 

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When Dave and I got pregnant, I was not necessarily planning on having a natural birth.  At that point, I didn't really fully understand what that meant.  I wanted to try not having an epidural and based on stories I heard, I really didn't want to get induced.  Natural childbirth sounded like a good idea but again my fear of pain made me question my ability to do so.  

The first step in our journey was choosing a provider.  I was currently seeing an OB-GYN but he was part of a huge practice so there was no guarantee that he would deliver my baby and I would likely have someone that I had never met before.  This is what first motivated me to get a midwife.  I was interested in having someone follow me throughout my entire pregnancy and then be there for the entire birth - not just the last 5 minutes.  Having a midwife did not mean having a home birth. It just meant having a provider with a slightly different perspective and focus on childbirth. 

As it turned out, I found that there were so many more benefits of seeing a midwife than just the guarantee that I would know who would be delivering my baby.  Both of my midwives really took their time with us and I discovered that their philosophy of care really resonated with me.  They focused on non-interventions in the absence of complications and encouraged Dave and I to be active participants in our care.  They ensured we had the information we needed but gave us the autonomy to make the decisions.  They focused heavily on evidenced based care instead of doing things because "that's the way we've always done it." 

Among all the information that they gave us, we were provided with a comprehensive list of different kinds of birthing classes available. This went beyond just the classes that the hospital offers. I reviewed the list of classes and came across Bradley classes.  This particularly sparked my interest because it was focused on natural childbirth and training the husband/partner to be a coach through labor and delivery.  I wanted Dave to have an active role in childbirth so it seemed to fit.  

The information we learned at our Bradley classes was invaluable.  It had a strong focus on natural childbirth and sometimes felt a bit biased on that side of things but what I really appreciated about it was how it taught us to be well informed and then make a decision on what we felt was best.  Throughout the class, we looked at inductions, C-sections, IV fluids during labor, epidurals, premature rupture of membranes, continuous fetal monitoring and more.  For each intervention, we looked at the benefits, risks, alternatives, and what our intuition told us about it.  This allowed us to not just go with what our medical system considers as "routine" but really question if it's the best intervention to use or know situations when it would be appropriate.  

It opened my eyes to the way our medical system operates.  Don't get me wrong, we are blessed to have great medical care and technology and if something goes wrong, we have great life saving procedures. However, I realized that not everything we do routinely for birth is necessarily evidenced based.  One thing that really caught my attention was the routine use of IV fluids during labor.  The reason women often get an IV in triage and later have IV fluids is so they can stay hydrated.  Often times hospitals will not allow women to eat or drink during labor in case they need to have a C-section and have general anesthesia.  There is a slight risk of aspiration in these situations so they make it routine for women to have nothing by mouth.   What I learned though is that IV fluids can dilute the hormones working in the body to help the labor process so labor can be slowed and not as effective.  It often causes swelling making breastfeeding difficult after delivery and also can cause a more dramatic weight loss in the baby after birth since the baby was impacted by the extra fluid as well.   Having an IV also inhibits the woman from moving about freely during labor and can cause unnecessary discomfort.  There are situations where an IV would be necessary but the evidence states it does not need to be routine.  

Bradley taught us a lot of other really helpful tools to prepare for labor including relaxation techniques and deep breathing.  There were several exercises recommended to do daily to prepare and strengthen muscles needed for labor and pushing.   

Through the Bradley classes, I was introduced to the idea of having a doula.  At first I was torn because I knew that my midwife would be there with me throughout the birth and wasn't sure that I would need another person since Dave was now pretty well informed of what to expect.  My midwife encouraged me to do most of my labor at home in order to avoid interventions at the hospital and also to be more comfortable.  We were also encouraged to have a doula as a support for Dave but also as more emotional support for me as the midwife would more be focused on the physical support.  

Since we were going to labor at home and because we are a half hour away from the hospital, we decided to hire a doula to help us at home and help us determine when it would be time to go to the hospital.  

Again, I fell in love our doula right away.  She met with us a couple times before birth, providing us with various tools and relaxation techniques.  She helped us create our birth plan - our preferences for birth knowing that not everything would be inside our control.  She provided ongoing phone/email support during the last part of my pregnancy and helped prepare me for labor.  

Through the support of my midwife, the Bradley classes and my doula, I started to become more confident that I could do this whole labor thing.  I felt empowered by all the information and was no longer so afraid of it.   I felt as prepared as I could be for something I never experienced before.  Of course, there was still the fear of the unknown.  Around 36 weeks, I started having some self doubt and feeling nervous about it but I just combated those negative thoughts with positive self talk, telling myself I could do it and that God created my body to give birth naturally.  I didn't let the fear get the best of me.  

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March 15, 2016  12:30 AM 

My water broke and my labor started.  I used what I had learned and practiced regarding relaxation and deep breathing.  Things progressed quickly - so much so that Dave didn't recognize how far along I was since he was assuming it wouldn't go so fast.  I knew I was farther along than he thought I was but had difficulty articulating it because I was so much in the zone of coping with my contractions.  By the time our doula got to our house, it was past due to go to the hospital as I was starting to transition into pushing.  She got in the back seat with me and assured me I wouldn't have the baby in the car which prevented me from completely panicking (I learned later she wasn't 100% sure about that haha ).  She reassured me that I was doing everything right and coached me through each contraction. I honestly don't know how I would have made it to the hospital without her. 

We arrived at the hospital at roughly 9 AM and Eli was born at 9:42 AM.   My midwife was absolutely amazing.  She had such a calming presence and gently coached me through the pushing and provided a ton of positive encouragement which really helped me get through it. 

I can't tell you the sense of accomplishment that I felt when it was all over. I did it! I was stronger than I thought I was and felt so empowered that I had done it without any interventions or pain medication.  

Of course none of that compares to the moment when I took Eli into my arms and met him for the first time.  It was so miraculous and overwhelming beautiful. 

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Would I describe my labor and delivery as painless? No.   It was very intense, not easy and I was glad it was over.  But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and there was never a moment where I felt that I couldn't handle it or couldn't do it anymore.  Granted, it was a very fast labor and I can imagine having more difficulty during a long drawn out labor.  

Of course I'll never know what labor would have been like without my midwife, the Bradley classes, my doula and all the preparation I did - I never will.  But I do feel that they all played a part in giving me the confidence I needed to get through labor and the confidence to be able to do it without a lot of interventions.  I wouldn't change anything about my birth experience (except being at the hospital a little bit sooner hehe).   I am so grateful that Eli's birth was not a means to an end but a journey - a journey that I am glad to have experienced as it allowed me to trust my body with what it was created to do.  

Thank you to our midwives Sarah Lagrand and Breck Reinsma and our doula Brenda Baar for helping us! 

For more information: 

http://www.aobgyn.com 

http://www.overthemoondoula.com/

http://www.bradleybirth.com/

http://evidencebasedbirth.com/

Remembering Danny

This Saturday will mark one year since we lost our dear friend Danny.  He will always have a special place in our hearts and we look forward to the day when we will be reunited with him in heaven.  Here is a letter I wrote to him as a way to process, reflect and remember his life and life without him over the past year. <3 

Danny,

It's hard to believe that it's been one year since we've lost you.  I have been thinking a lot about you lately as I think about memories and think about what this past year has been like without you.  

I'm grateful for the fun memories I have with you: watching Lost at the Ridgewood house, going to Coldplay and The National concerts, Spring Break 2010, camping and playing games.  We occasionally played games with the four of us and you usually took the longest to play your turn. :)  We could see the wheels turning as you carefully and strategically thought out each move.   I suppose that's what made you so good at games. :)  

Though we had lots of fun times together, we had our hard moments together as well.   I can still remember your face when Dave and I shared with you and Corrine that we were struggling with infertility. Your face displayed such care and concern. You patiently listened and didn't say things to try and fix it but grieved with us and gave me such a big strong hug that I knew you were hurting with me.  Your response to our struggle meant a lot to me. Thank you for that.  I can also see your face when I walked into the emergency room a year ago.  I saw the concern and the pain in your eyes and wished I could make it better.  I had trouble sleeping the night before you passed away, thinking about you and feeling like something wasn't right.   Little did I know what was to come. 

November 7 is a day that I still remember so vividly.  The sunrise on my way to work was so breathtaking and the verse from Lamentations came to my mind.  I texted you but I don't think you ever saw it and little did I know that I would be reading that same verse at your funeral. 

Seeing the sunrise this morning on my way to work, I was reminded by the verse that His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness. He promises to never let you go. Love you.  

On my lunch break that day, I went to Walgreens to buy Sea Bands since my fertility drugs were making me feel nauseous.  I bought an extra pair for you and planned to drop them off on my way home from work.   I wanted to help you feel better. 

I will never forget the moment when I got that phone call.  Even after a year, I can remember the shock, the disbelief, the sinking feeling in my gut when I heard the words, "Danny passed away." 

Even thinking back on the day, as vivid as it is in my mind, it still seems surreal.  How did we lose you?  The nurse side of me starts to ask the what ifs though I know that God in His sovereignty allowed for that to happen.  I am so grateful that Dave and I saw you the night before you passed away.  So grateful that I had spent so much time with you the previous month.  I will forever cherish those moments. 

After the funeral, I wanted time to stand still.  It seemed wrong that the rest of the world carried on yet you weren’t here anymore.  Yet, time kept moving.  

It’s been an up and down year.  Every time I’m with Aria, especially when it’s just me and her, I think about how proud you would be of her.  I think about the promise I made to myself to help take care of Corrine and Aria in your absence.  I also think how blessed I am to be a part of Aria’s life.   If I could change this, I would bring you back but God has a way of redeeming even the crappiest things and one of those things is having Corrine and Aria in my life in a way that they never would have been otherwise. 

I hope that heaven gives you glimpses of your little girl.  She has captured my heart and the heart of so many others.   (She's totally got Dave's heart too! :))  I see God's grace written all over her through her (almost) constant smiling face, her giggles, her snuggles, her little pats on the back that she gives to Corrine, her wet kisses.  It's so fun to watch her learn and grow.  You would be so proud of her...she is extremely smart, just like her parents. 

You would be so proud of Corrine as well.  God has given her such grace as she navigates this world of single parenthood.  She is an AMAZING mom.  She continues to think of others before herself and has stayed strong in her faith.  Our friendship has grown immensely and I am so blessed by her kindness, compassion, honesty, and love.  

In the midst of reflecting on the void our lives have now, I also think about how blessed you are to be experiencing the full glory of our LORD Jesus Christ.  As Christians on this earth, we long for that day to see Him face to face and you beat us to the party. J   We miss you lots but praise God for the hope that we have of heaven.  Can't wait to join you for the party.   Love you Danny.

Angela

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

"For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.  I know that full well."
Psalm 139:13-14

Today we had our 20 week ultrasound.

Leading up to this week, I was feeling very nervous.  About a week ago, I came down with the stomach flu and couldn't keep anything down.  I was so worried about the baby and worried Baby wasn't getting what he/she needed because I couldn't eat or drink.   I've been concerned over that in general throughout my pregnancy since eating has been a challenge.

My worry continued as I've watched loved ones around me get flung on different paths than they were hoping or expecting.  As I grieve with those close to me who have lost a loved one or are mourning a relationship, I've become quite aware that things may not turn out the way we plan them to.

All of this has been my first (of many) lesson of parenthood in surrendering control and giving it back to God.  I ultimately know that God is the one who has this child in His hands, not me.  It is His breath that sustains life in this little one.  Yes, He has entrusted us with the responsibility of raising and nurturing our child but ultimately He determines the steps and future of him/her.

This morning, I felt a peace wash over me.  I knew that whatever the results, God would be there and I made a decision that if the results ended up not being what we hoped for, I would still trust God with His plan no matter how difficult.  I am so grateful that God has given us yet another gift of grace and has blessed us with normal results and a healthy baby so far.

It is truly a miracle to see this life inside of me and to feel him/her move around.  I am daily amazed at the miracle of life and how God truly has knit each of us together.  I can't help but praise Him for who He is and for creating me and this little one inside of me.  To Him be the glory.

Pregnancy After Infertility

My journey of infertility didn't end when I became pregnant.

Of course the infertility part is over but I found that the effects of our journey were not quick to disappear.

Days after finding out we were pregnant, I felt a tug of war within myself.  I was so grateful and happy for our news yet there was some reservation.  I prayed for this for so long so why was I having all these other emotions?

Don't get me wrong, I never felt ungrateful but after months of praying and wrestling, it was hard for me to simply switch gears. Early on, the grief of infertility still stuck to me like a wet blanket.   I discovered that the grief was more familiar to me than the pregnancy.  I was well acquainted with grief; it had been my companion for two years and did not immediately disappear as I had expected.  The pregnancy still felt surreal (or not real at all) and I wasn't quite sure what to do with my experiences over the past 2 years.  I began to wonder how I would still be able to relate to and encourage those who had been walking the infertility journey with me. I was moving on from that stage in the journey and wanted so badly to bring them with me.  I knew that they would be happy for me but also that I would now be a reminder of what they were still waiting for.  I had "graduated" from that group yet I didn't really feel like I fit in with other pregnant moms.  My growing belly didn't tell the story of where I've been and I felt this need to explain to everyone that this pregnancy did not come without difficulty.

I think this need to explain stemmed from a fear that my pregnancy would negate the journey and minimize the pain it took to get here. However, as time has gone by, I've realized that infertility will always be a part of who I am and it's a part of my story and God's story in my life.  It was no mistake that I experienced what I did and that I am where I am now.  I learned invaluable lessons that I know will remind me of God's faithfulness especially in the midst of the storms yet to come.  Part of my heart will always remain in the infertility community and I continue to pray for those still struggling.

I am happy to say that the grief has taken a back seat as I watch my body change and my belly grow.  Every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded by the miraculous gift that has been entrusted to me and I am filled with joy and peace.  I am so grateful for this next stage in our journey and looking forward to the lessons God will teach me in parenthood. :) 

Our Gift

Our Gift.

That's the title of this Willow Tree figurine I bought for Dave for our anniversary this year.  Part of me didn't want to buy it because my doubts about having a baby were growing but it was a reminder for me to not give up and to keep trusting that our prayer would some day be answered.  There were days that I wanted to throw it across the room, frustrated that another month and another negative pregnancy test had gone by.  Sometimes I wanted to hide it out of sight as it was too painful of a reminder of what we didn't have. However it remained on our bedroom dresser along with the pair of baby shoes we bought last year and we kept waiting and hoping. 


Now that we are pregnant (thank you Lord!), "Our Gift" continues to serve as a reminder to keep trusting.  Although our prayers have been answered, our trust shouldn't stop here.  God is still in complete control of this child's life and we need to trust His plan for him/her.  I've already done a pretty good job of glamorizing parenthood over the past two years so I know I will need to trust in God's grace to get me through the challenging days.  :) 

I also pray that "Our Gift" will help me to REMEMBER.   I was recently reading the book of Joshua and the Israelites had just crossed the Jordan River on dry ground to begin their conquest of Canaan.  Before they went any further, God instructed Joshua to take 12 large stones and build a memorial so that when their children would ask what the stones meant, they would remember and share what God had done.  

I see this figurine as my memorial.  A visual to remind us of our journey of infertility - how God showed up in the pain and how I grew through the trials.  A reminder of our lack of control and of God's sovereignty.  It also represents the couples who continue to wait and hope for a child and reminds me to pray for them and to not forget their pain.  Finally, it truly reminds me of our gift that God has given us and His grace of granting us the desire of our hearts.  I know there will be difficult days ahead and days that I will likely forget that this is what I longed for.  I pray that this will be a reminder of the wait, the longing, and the amazing, beautiful miracle of this life inside of me.  God has heard our prayers and I feel so humbled and grateful that He has given us the opportunity to love and raise this child.  

Thank you for praying for us and supporting us and we ask that you continue to pray for us as we enter this new phase of our lives.  We ask that you also remember and pray for those who are still waiting.  <3 

Wrestling

My infertility has caused me to wrestle with God and my faith on many levels over the past 22 months.  During the first year, I wrestled with believing in a God that would allow this to happen in my life.  I didn't necessarily wrestle with my belief in the existence of God but rather whether I was going to follow Him and surrender my wants and desires and my life to Him.   I questioned if I could really trust Him and does He really have a better plan than I do? 

Through this first stage of wrestling and through reading the books, "A Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser and "When God Sees Your Tears" by Cindi McMenamin, my view of God's character began to change.  I have always known that God is a loving God but I think this concept has had a hard time getting from my head to my heart. The struggle with infertility made me realize that my view of God historically has been more on the holy, mighty, disciplinary side of the spectrum than the relational, loving, gracious side of the spectrum. Of course He is all of those things but my initial reaction to my infertility was that He was doing this because I deserved it and was doing it because I didn't have enough faith in Him.  Now, I do deserve it.  I deserve death. But that's where grace comes in and I'm learning more about what grace really means.  Through reading the books, I'm coming to realize more that God isn't out to get me to teach me a lesson but that I need to trust in his sovereignty and his will.  I had moments when I thought God didn't care and envisioned him as a stern father looking down, waiting for me to get it together before He could bless me.  But that's not it either.  He has blessed me, just not in the way of children.  He's given me physical blessings such family, friends, food, car, house, and the list could go on and on.  He's also given spiritual blessings such as peace and strength for each day. I don't have the time today to go through the various lessons I learned and conclusions I made through this stage of wrestling but I can tell you that I chose to follow Him through the infertility instead of turning my back on Him and I trust in my heart that He has a plan.

That being said, it's hard to always have that trust and I feel like I am in another phase of wrestling.  I'm reading a book on the sovereignty of God and wrestling with some of the principles in there.  If God's will is sovereign and no one can change His will, then why do we pray?   Do our prayers really make a difference if God already has made up His mind about something?  Is it worth even trying to pray for a child of my own or is it all in vain?  Why do we pray for healing if God's will isn't to heal?  Of course we don't know the will of God but is it really our prayers that make the difference?

It's been good for me to ask these questions.  Someone recently told me that when we are wrestling with God, we are the closest we can get to Him. I think sometimes we get nervous with wrestling and questioning our faith.  In my experience, it's making my faith stronger.  Through this experience, I learned that my faith was weak and it's felt a little like the man who built his house on sand.  One thing goes wrong and the foundation crumbles.  Through questioning and wrestling, I'm building the house back up with Christ as my foundation.

I'm learning to not just ask the questions but to truly wrestle with it and challenge it.  That's where I feel the faith grows.  Because if I can struggle through these tough questions and get to a place where I don't necessarily have the answer but can trust  God through it all, hopefully my foundation will be stronger once the next storm comes around.  I'm still learning to do this though.  It's easy for me to ask all the questions, get frustrated, and just try to forget about it all instead of reading the Bible and praying through the questions. Lately I've found it easier to stop asking God for a child because it's too painful to hear "No" over and over again.  I pray about this too.  I think God wants me to tell Him that it's getting hard to ask and to give me wisdom and guidance for what to ask.

I am comforted that there are people in the Bible that I can relate to.  The Bible tells us that Jacob wrestled with God.  In this case, he was physically wrestling with God but based on what I know about the story, it was spiritual just as much as physical.  Jacob wrestled all night and said to the man, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."  Jacob's persistence was rewarded and he was blessed.

This is a lesson for me to not give up wrestling and not give up asking because I know that God hears me and will bless me. One night I was really wrestling with whether my prayers for a child make any difference and whether I should keep praying for one.  I prayed that God would show me whether my requests make a difference or not.  After praying, I read this paragraph from the book I'm reading about God's sovereignty: (forgive me, it's long).

 "Trusting God in the midst of our pain and heartache means that we accept it from Him. There is a vast difference between acceptance and either resignation or submission. We can resign ourselves to a difficult situation, simply because we see no other alternative. Many people do that all the time. Or we can submit to the sovereignty of God in our circumstances with a certain amount of reluctance. But to truly accept our pain and heartache has the connotation of willingness. An attitude of acceptance says that we trust God, that He loves us and knows what is best for us. 

 Acceptance does not mean that we do not pray for physical healing, or for the conception and birth of a little one to our marriage. We should indeed pray for those things, but we should pray in a trusting way. We should realize that, though God can do all things, for infinitely wise and loving reasons, He may not do that which we pray that He will do.  How do we know how long to pray? As along as we can pray trustingly, with an attitude of acceptance of His will, we should pray as long as the desire remains."  (Jerry Bridges,"Trusting God Even When Life Hurts")

I don't believe in coincidence.  God provided His answer to me.  So I will continue wrestling and will continue praying for the desires of my heart.

Awareness

In the past week on two separate occasions, I've had women (acquaintances at best) come up to me and ask "No baby yet, no baby yet?!?" and...

"Do you have kids?"

"No."

"How long have you been married?"

"Four years."

"So when do you plan on start having kids?"

Since my infertility is no secret anymore, I responded to both them by saying, "My husband and I are going through infertility."  I didn't say it to make them feel bad for asking but more to provide an awareness that it isn't that easy for everyone.

Maybe it was my nonchalant manner in my answer but the response I received from both of them was not exactly what I was expecting.

"Oh, okay! Smile and nod. No look of concern or "I'm sorry to hear that."

I wasn't looking for pity or sympathy from these people but just wanted them to think twice about asking strangers those questions.  Perhaps they were putting on a face under the "Oh crap! What do I say now??"  Very well could be...

These encounters made me realize that so many people just don't get it.  They don't understand all the layers and pain and tears under the word "infertility." They don't understand the loss that takes place every, single, month.  And why would they?  I can't expect them to know what it feels like to wait month after month after month for that second pink line if they've never experienced it themselves or seen someone they love go through it.   I don't blame them for it as I know they didn't mean to be insensitive but I wish there was more awareness.

It also made me think about what I may do or say with good intentions that may come off as insensitive to someone else.  Everyone has struggles and all of us "don't get" a lot of things.

I don't know what it's like to lose a spouse, a parent, a sibling or a child.

I don't know what it's like to be unemployed, waiting month after month, year after year for a job.

I don't know what it's like to go through a divorce or be in an abusive relationship.

I don't know what it's like to have a mental illness or see someone I love struggle with it.

I don't know what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck and not know how the bills will be paid.

I don't know what it's like to have a child with a disability.

I don't know what it's like to have a debilitating, degenerative disease.

I don't know what it's like to struggle with an addiction .

What I do know is that "stuff" happens to everyone at some point in their lives and there will be many times that we won't "get" what the other person is going through.

I also know that even though we don't know what it's like to be in their situation (and in some ways we never will), there are still things we can do to love, encourage, and support them.  Going through infertility has made me more sensitive to others' struggles and needs.  I'm more careful not to minimize their feelings and less quick to try and offer advice.  Although I know that everyone is different and responds to things differently, I've tried to avoid the things that I've found not so helpful and respond in ways that I've found to be encouraging in my situation.  I know it's difficult to know what to do or say when someone else is struggling.  We're afraid of making things worse by saying the wrong things.  Over the past couple years, I've learned through my journey and supporting others on their journeys some of the "Dos" and "Don'ts."   I realize that these are not universal but I have found them to be helpful.

• Trying to fix it is not the answer
• It's okay to not always have the words to say
• JUST LISTEN
• A card or a simple text goes a long way
• (Hate to say it) Quoting Scripture is not always helpful 
• Give space when needed 
• Do not underestimate the power and importance of prayer 
• "Checking in" shows you care 
• Sometimes we need to pray when others can't 
• Be very careful with giving advice 
• Affirm feelings, don't minimize them 

I don't list these things to make others feel guilty if they have or have not done them and they are as much reminders for me as anyone else.  None of us will be perfect at saying or doing the "right" things but I think having better awareness is important.  

There will always be those of us that won't get it.  There will always be insensitive comments and useless advice. ("Just relax and it will happen" is my personal favorite.) I've learned to just roll with the punches (depending on my hormones...hehe) and surround myself with people who are supportive and sensitive.  I can't control what others say or do but I can control how I respond to others when they are hurting. I thank God for giving me a glimpse of the pain that people experience every day and giving me a better awareness and sensitivity towards it.  It's just one of the ways that God is shaping and molding me through this difficult, trying journey of infertility.

No Fight Left

I am no different than the Israelites.

It's easy to read through the Old Testament and think, "C'mon guys, you're turning away from God AGAIN?!?? You really are a stiff necked people!!"  We think we would have done better if we had been in their shoes.  I'm not entirely convinced of that...

I am just as stiff necked and stubborn as they are.

The Israelites so quickly forgot their past and what God had done for them and so easily began complaining or losing faith in God's promises for them.

How quickly I forget and despair.  I feel like I've already forgotten the lessons God has been teaching me through BSF and through the journey of infertility.

My anger and frustration comes back. My questions and grumbling and crying out,
"Why are you making me go through this?!?"   I forget that He has been faithful.  I forget that there have been blessings in the desert. I forget that God has brought me this far and He will continue to carry me.

But I have no fight left.

It's too hard. Too painful.  Perhaps that's a sign that I've started to carry it on my own again.

The Israelites forgot that it wasn't by their own power or strength that they would take over the Promised Land.  So they got scared, let unbelief sink in - which led them wandering in the desert for 40 years and never seeing the Promised Land.  Their unbelief prevented them from seeing God's power and promises.

It's not by my own strength that I can get through this.  It's too heavy and burdensome. So why is it so hard to give up when I know it will be lighter when I do?

I hear the messages from church.  God has a plan. Trust Him no matter what.  He works things out for the good.  Why is it so hard to accept those messages?  I know in my heart that it's true but it's not that easy.

Maybe it's easy for other people.  It wasn't that easy for the Israelites and it's not that easy for me.  I'm still wandering in the desert with the Israelites.  Still learning the hard lessons over and over of trust. Of reliance on God not for the week or for the month but just one day at a time.  Of remembering to see and recognize the blessings in the desert and to hold onto God's promises.

All I can do is thank God for grace and 2nd chances because even after all I've seen in the past year and a half, it hasn't prevented me from doubting and losing faith that God's plan for us is really the best one.

I'm encouraged that even Moses got overwhelmed and cried out to God at times.  After hearing the people complain and grumble over and over, He started complaining to God.

"Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth?...I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now - if I have found favor in your eyes - and do not let me face my own ruin."  Numbers 11:11-12a, 14-15

What's encouraging to me is what God does next.  He doesn't beat Moses over the head for his complaints and not trusting that He would help him.  In fact, He does the opposite.  He provides Moses with 70 elders to help him and Moses then walks forward in faith.

God renewed Moses's faith in the midst of his discouragement and complaints and God will renew my faith if I turn to Him with my discouragement and doubts.

Friends, pray for me as I try to surrender this over and over and pray that my faith will be renewed by giving my doubts and pain and discouragement and questions and tears to Him.

There is no fight left on the inside
But maybe that's where I should be.  
I've given up trying
I'm giving it all to You.
- JJ Heller 

Sharing Stories {Part Two}

A few weeks ago in our Bible study, we talked about how before the Israelites entered the Promised Land, Moses recounted their story: their journey from Egypt, through the 40 years in the desert to being at the edge of the land God had promised them.  Not only did he remind them of their rebellion and sin against God, but he reminded them of God's faithfulness, mercy and grace to them.  It was an opportune time for the Israelites to look back at their story to see how God was with them and had carried them through.

This reminded me how important it is to look back on the story that God has given us.  Each one of us can look at the road map of the past and see the twists, the turns, the smooth rides, and the times where we were a little lost.  This landscape has shaped us to who we are and looking back at it shows us how we have grown through the experiences and how God was with us.   Not only is it important to look back, it's also important to record our story and share it with others so others can be encouraged by God's provision and grace.

In response to this, I looked back at all of my blog posts so far about our story and journey of infertility.  Interestingly enough, my first post was about sharing stories!

When I wrote that 8 months ago, I was just coming out of a dark hole of loneliness and isolation.  Early on in our journey, we didn't really share with very many people what we were going through which left me feeling like I was the only one.  Infertility and other pregnancy related issues can be extremely isolating. Before I wrote my first post, I searched Christian blogs on infertility, grasping for some comfort.  I remember pouring over them, crying and saying to myself, "Yes! That's how I feel too!"  It was a bit liberating knowing I wasn't crazy and someone else had the same feelings I was experiencing.

I wouldn't have experienced that comfort if those women hadn't shared their story. Their vulnerability became my hope.   It can be very scary to share our stories and struggles.  Being vulnerable means taking a risk but through looking back at our story, God has taught me that vulnerability can also be a blessing.

Like I mentioned before, we didn't tell very many people at all about our infertility until about 8 months ago.  It was hard to tell people at first, being uncertain of what the reactions would be.  Over time, it became easier and not only did I find overwhelming support and love from those we told but it seemed that women and couples struggling with infertility started coming out of the woodwork! After asking my BSF group for prayer for our infertility, FIVE women came up to me and shared they had struggled with it as well.

The opposite has been true as well.  I recently stumbled across a blog of an acquaintance from my past.  Her and her husband are currently struggling with a pregnancy related issue and her writing and honesty touched my heart.  Her vulnerability in sharing her struggles, her questions, her faith and her pain resonated so strongly with me and I felt called to reach out to her to let her know she was not alone.  In doing so, we were both touched by each other's stories and we both received another boost of  prayer and encouragement to keep moving us forward.

Sharing with others and having others share with me as been a huge encouragement and it's been in part one of the reasons that has kept me going. With every woman who says "me too,"  I take another step away from loneliness and isolation and a step into hope and community.  But that hope only came from being vulnerable.  My vulnerability in telling others what I'm struggling with opened the door for others to share what they are experiencing or have experienced and vice versa.

That being said, I'm taking another step of vulnerability and sharing with more people about our struggle with infertility.  I wish to share my story with more people to encourage others to share theirs - even if it's not related to infertility. We all have a story to share and each of our stories can somehow be connected with another story. Through sharing we not only learn to encourage one another and walk through these trials of life TOGETHER, but we also learn about GOD'S STORY - his grace, faithfulness and mercy through it all.  

I also pray that through sharing with more people, God will use my story to encourage someone else, just like God has used others to encourage me.  To whoever is reading this, I pray that whatever you are going through, pregnancy related or not, you will find comfort in community and blessing through vulnerability.  Know that you are not alone...you never were....God has been with you all along.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  - Romans 15:13 

Barren

It's easier to write on the good days.  On the not so good days, my mind is a little more fuzzy and the words don't come so easily.  I've been surprised over the last few weeks how quickly the days (or hours) can go from good to bad.  Easter is a time for celebration.  Not only celebrating what Jesus did for us and His amazing grace and love for us but celebrating the hope of eternity.  How comforting it is to know that our pain is temporary and there will be a day where we will live without pain and heartache FOREVER.   I went to bed last night thanking God for that hope but this morning I was reminded that the pain and heartache is still here.  Although God is always with me to get me through it, the sadness hasn't been taken away yet. 

Until recently, I never thought much of the term "barren" when referring to infertility.  We don't really use that term much any more but the Bible often refers to women as being barren.  What an appropriate word to use.  Being infertile feels barren.  Empty.  Deserted. Lifeless.  Incapable of producing life. A wasteland. 

I'm tired.  Tired of waiting.  Tired of the tears.  Tired of negative pregnancy tests. Tired of broken hope.  Tired of telling my husband he's not a dad this month. I'm so tired. Will it ever end?

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

It's on these days that God reminds me I'm not alone. He is with me.  It's on these days where all I can do is allow Him to carry me through it. It's on these days where He draws me closer and urges me to keep my trust in Him.

So even though the pain is not gone and God has not taken away the thorn in my flesh, He promises to me as He did to the Apostle Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I will continue to cling to the hope that this pain is temporary and I will look forward to the day when Christ will make all things new.

Even on the hard days, I still serve a risen Savior.

Looking for Beauty in the Ashes

About a month ago, when I was really despairing and having a really rough week, someone shared this verse with me.   I hadn't really heard the verse before but it cut deep into my soul.

"To all who mourn in Israel, He will bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."  Isaiah 61:3

Although this has been a tough journey, I started thinking of the things that I can be thankful for during the past year and a half...blessings that we might have not experienced without going through infertility.

Supportive, loving family and friends
I knew before all of this that I had great family and friends but we've really been blessed by the love, encouragement and support that we've received from family and friends.  When Dave and I went to a support group for infertility, one woman expressed how she couldn't tell her mom because she was afraid her mom would gossip about her to the rest of the family.  I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this without support from my family (and friends).

Prayers not only from family and friends - but strangers!
I am so humbled by how many people are interceding for us.  When I joined my group through BSF, I very quickly told them what was going on.  The next week, I had at least 4 women come up to me and say they had been praying for me all week....they had just met me two weeks before!! That was so humbling for me.  My dad told me that he has told people at work and they have said they would pray for me too.  Wow  - that a complete stranger would take time to pray for us - I am so grateful.

A better appreciation that children are a gift from God
 If I hadn't gone through this journey, I think I would have been quicker to take my children for granted.  I would have assumed that children are just a given without taking into consideration that God is in control of all.  I hope that once we get to the other side of this, I will have a deeper appreciation for my children and I will be less quick to complain about the hardships that come from parenthood.  I know I won't be perfect and parenting is no walk in the park, but I hope God will remind me of my strong desire to be a mom and will remind me to see it as a privilege, not a right.

More opportunities with Dave
Starting last winter, Dave and I started ballroom dancing lessons. This had always been a dream of mine and it was so much fun.  It was such a blessing in my life for that time and it was so nice to have a hobby to enjoy together.  We wouldn't have had the opportunity to do that together if we had gotten pregnant right away.  We also experienced another summer full of camping and trips to South Carolina, Honduras and Seattle.  I'm grateful to say that the journey of infertility has strengthen our marriage, not torn it apart.

Deeper and stronger faith
This is one of the biggest things I see in all of this.  Early in the journey, I seriously doubted my faith.  How could I believe in a God that would put me through this and WITHHOLD one of my strongest desires?  I really had put my faith through the ringer to decide if this was something I really wanted to believe in.  My faith wasn't as strong as I thought it was.  A storm came, and the foundation crumbled.  But He is helping me build it back up, stronger than it was before.  Hopefully when other storms come in the future, my foundation will be a little more sturdy than before.

I've heard it said that God will go at great lengths to bring us back to Him and take away our stubborn pride - the illusion that we have control of our lives.  I can definitely see how the infertility has centered me back on who is really in control.  Of course, I often try to take it back but each month is a reminder who is really in control.

I can't say that I want infertility as part of my life but looking at the good and the blessings gives more purpose to the pain and focusing on a BIG God causes the circumstance to look much smaller.  Oh I wish I had this perspective every day.  As my previous blog shows, things can get pretty ugly and doubt and discouragement and despair can seep in pretty quickly.  It's all a part of the journey.  The journey of trusting and having faith not just on the "good" days but also on the days when it's REALLY hard and it doesn't seem like there's an end in sight.  That's where the real test comes in. That's when I will try to find beauty in the ashes.