Finding Purpose

I think part of our human nature is to try to make sense or find purpose in adversity. There is so much we don't understand about the world and we often ask our "why" questions when we experience suffering or loss.  I have been asking why for about 16 months now in regards to our infertility but    two weeks ago, a bigger why question was added, "Why did my friend have to die at 26 years old and leave behind a beautiful wife and daughter?" I know that I will never understand on this side of heaven or maybe ever but there is something that groans inside of us when these things happen because we KNOW that THIS IS NOT HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.  I take comfort knowing that this groaning that we have comes from a God who will one day redeem this world and take away our tears and suffering.

However, until that day comes, the questions and groanings and pain don't go away.  So now not only am I grieving our infertility but also the loss of a very close friend and the grief of those left behind who loved Danny so much.  I try to make sense of it all and usually in times like these, it's impossible to find the answer to "Why?"  I definitely can't make sense of why Danny was diagnosed with cancer in the first place and why Corrine had to lose her husband so early and why Aria won't know her daddy.

So far I haven't really been able to make sense of why it's so difficult for us to get pregnant.  It especially doesn't make sense when people who don't want to be pregnant or shouldn't be pregnant, have babies or get abortions and yet we long to love a child of our own and that has been withheld from us.  I don't think that's the way God wants it either but yet here we are, still waiting.  So I try to grab onto any purpose of why I have to experience loss month after month after month.  Not that it takes away the pain, but it eases the blow.

Looking back over the past 6 weeks since Danny was diagnosed with cancer, Dave and I spent a lot of time with them whether it was sitting with them at the hospital or infusion center, eating dinner with them at home or watching Aria so Corrine could be with Danny at the hospital. After he passed away, we have spent hours with Corrine, Aria and the families and were able to make the trip to Ontario to support the family as we said our goodbyes to Danny.

Although I can't make sense of why this all had to happen in the first place, God knew all of this would happen so maybe our role during this time in our lives was not to be parents but to be friends.  I'm not sure we would have been able to be there in the same way if we would have had a baby.

Now, Danny is gone and there is a void in our lives that can't be filled with anything or anyone else but it seems like now would be a good time to be able to celebrate new life.  But, that wish has not been granted so we will keep praying that some day it will.  In the meantime, Aria will be the ray of sunshine in our lives and we will celebrate her life and the joy that she brings us.

Journey of a Perfectionst

Hi. My name is Angela and I'm a perfectionist. Perfectionism permeates all areas of my life.  It's a blessing and a curse. Mostly a curse...but I suppose that's what a perfectionist would say. :)
I often feel that I don't measure up as a nurse, a co worker, a friend, a daughter, a person.  My faith life isn't any different.  I think I've set up the expectation for myself that I must achieve perfection like Jesus.  It's a ridiculous thought, I know. Of course, it's not a bad thing to strive for perfection but I think I kid myself in thinking that it's achievable on this side of heaven.

I think that's part of the reason why this journey of infertility has been so difficult for me.  I have to remind myself that it is a JOURNEY.  Which means I don't have to get it right the first time.  Or the second time.  God is patient with me no matter how many times it takes me.  And even then, it won't be perfect.

Today was a frustrating day for me in a life of perfectionism.  I was doing so well.  I was at peace, I was being patient, I was trusting that God will answer our prayer.  God has given me so many assurances and encouragement through His scripture and through other people.   I even had a stranger pray for me...who had no idea of our situation and in her prayer she made a reference to Psalm 127:3 which says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward."

So all of these things should be enough for me to not worry and to wait expectantly for God to answer our prayer.  But today was a hard day for me.  I cried and I grieved once again that MY story isn't panning out.  Okay, I accepted that this pregnancy was going to take longer than I hoped.  But I think I still hoped that we could get pregnant on our own without any interventions.  We are now facing more testing and treatments for infertility and I have to learn to surrender my story and accept God's story for us. No matter what that means.  No matter how long it takes. But that's not easy for me.  I still want control over it.  I still want to write my own story. But that's normal, right?

I'm still figuring this all out and I am admitting that I don't have it together.  I feel that others are expecting me to have it together and to accept this challenge in stride and to be an example and a light to others in my faith and trust in God.  If I'm honest, it's probably just my perception and it's really me creating that expectation for myself.  Now I just have to convince myself that it's okay to not have it together and I need to rely on God to help me.  That's the other thing I am trying to learn.  I try to do too much on my own strength and power.  I felt guilty today for not being joyful in all circumstances.  I feel I need to do better but it's only the Spirit working in me that is going to bring me to a point that I can truly be joyful.

So yes, I am still a perfectionist but I've decided I'm not going to pretend to be someone or somewhere I'm not.  I pray that God will continue to work in me.  I pray that I will be more accepting of His story and that the refining of my faith will prepare me for God to use me in great ways.

Little Shoes

Dave and I bought these little shoes several months ago.  It was in response to a video we watched from a sermon series that our church was doing called "The Circle Maker."   The author Mark Batterson talked about acting in faith before God moves.  He told the story of when he was a young pastor looking for a drummer for their praise team.  He felt God telling him to buy a drum set first, even though he didn't want to.  But, he went out and bought a drum set, despite the fact that they didn't have a drummer and that it didn't really fit the young church's budget. The Sunday after he bought the drum set, a U.S. marine from the Drum and Bugle Corps came to his church...and became their new drummer. It takes a lot more faith to take the first step then to just wait for God to answer your prayer.

Now, obviously these little shoes didn't cost as much as a drum set but we keep these shoes in our bedroom as a reminder that we have faith that God will one day bless us with a child.  It also reminds us to never give up on our prayer and to be BOLD in our prayers to God.  We have learned that praying "God, please bless us with a baby if it's your will" is not enough.  No, we have become much bolder.  We think about Hannah's prayer: : "Oh, God-of-the-Angel-Armies, If you'll take a good, hard look at my pain, If you'll quit neglecting me and go into action for me"  (1 Samuel 1:11 MSG).  


Now, even as I'm typing these words, I have a small twinge of guilt because I can't say that I have that faith and boldness every day.  I still have my doubts and question God's timing. Over the past year, I have learned that it's okay to tell God how I really feel. This has actually been really hard for me to do.  It doesn't seem right to share my anger and frustration with this holy, mighty, omnipotent God (even though He already knows my heart).  But, He can handle it whether it's the right response or not. 

So in the midst of my faith and doubts and hope and frustration and anger, God has really been giving me the strength I need and He gives it to me just one day at a time.  I see this strength in a lot of different ways.  I see it in the way I have been responding to another "No" or "Wait."  Instead of screaming at God, I am reaching out to Him in my tears and pain.  I am starting to let Him carry me and I'm starting to learn that his answer of "No" or "Wait" does not change His love for me. I see His strength in me as I watch my best friends' baby grow and be baptized and I don't feel envy or bitterness but joy for them.   I see His strength in me when others make less than sensitive comments about infertility or about being pregnant and I am quick to forgive.  I know it is His strength because I can assure you that without it I would be feeling and acting on all of those negative feelings. 

So those little shoes remind us to keep praying, to keep reaching out to the One that can heal our pain and hold our tears.  We are learning that this journey is extremely painful but it would be even more painful without Jesus walking by our side. 

We ask for you to keep praying too because on the days where we feel too weak to pray, YOUR prayers are making the difference for us and lifting us up. 

 

Lessons Learning

“My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness.”  2 Corinthians 12:9 

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts”   Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  Psalm 37:4

I’ve read these verses plenty of times but they now hold a different meaning for me.

Over the past year, God has been stretching me, testing me, and teaching me about his ways (not mine) through the painful struggle and long journey of infertility.

Dave and I were nervous and excited when we decided we were ready to grow our family.  Unfortunately, I was under the illusion that these things happen right away since that had been my experience (though very limited) with other people I knew that got pregnant.  You can imagine my disappointment when I read my first negative pregnancy test.  Little did I know how many more would come.

The first lesson God taught me (which really felt like a 2x4 to the head) was “You are not in control, I am.”   Not earth shattering.  Though I knew that in my head, I still felt that things could happen when I wanted them to happen.  It's taken awhile for this lesson to really get pounded in my head but now I'm starting to get it.   God is in control of my life, not me.

As time as gone on, the lessons are becoming harder.  As each month has ticked by, the desire to have a child has grown.   Each month, it’s just a little more painful and I started to question God’s love and goodness.  I have asked myself, “If God loves me so much, why is he making me go through such pain?”  “Does God even see all these tears?”  “Why does He seem so silent?"
God's answer? “My thoughts are not your thoughts and My ways are not your ways.”   

I don't understand.  I may never understand on this side of heaven.  And that's hard for me to accept.  But it's God's way of teaching me about himself.  What He keeps encouraging me to do is to trust Him no matter what and to believe that my circumstances do not define who He is or His love for me.  He keeps telling me that I have to trust that his plan is better than mine.  And that's a really hard thing for me to do. 

One thing I do know.  Despite the pain that I've been through over the past year, I can say I've been thankful for the past year because I have experienced more growth personally and in my faith over this year than I have in a long time, maybe ever.  God has been reminding me of the verse in James that says, "Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

But even though God has been reminding me of these things, it has not changed my desire to have a child right now. It doesn't really change the pain or take it away but perhaps....PERHAPS gives a purpose for the pain.  I am still pleading with God to grant me the desire of my heart...and SOON.  I don't want to wait any longer...I don't want to go through another month of disappointment and heartache...I don't want to find out that we will never be able to have kids on our own.  I want to have a baby and be a mother. 

And so the story and journey continues...

Sharing Stories

So I stumbled upon my old blog today.  I had forgotten I had one. :)

I have been thinking a lot lately about blogging and people sharing their stories.  There is something about blogging that opens up a new dimension to a person that you don't always get the opportunity to see. People often use blogs to share their story, their journey, their joys and struggles.  I think there is something so powerful about sharing stories.

Sharing our stories reminds ourselves and others that we do not live this life or fight this fight alone.  How often do we feel alone when we go through a particular struggle?  Depending on the struggle, it may be something that's not openly talked about or something society has told us to keep on the "DL."  So we believe the lie that tells us we are alone and there is no one who will understand.

Yet how often then do we find out later or in the midst of the struggle that there is someone around us struggling with the same situation, the same doubts, crying the same tears? I take such comfort in that.  So I have been reading blogs and discovering that I AM NOT ALONE.  There are others who understand. They get it. And even though sometimes I have no idea who they are, reading their blogs sometimes gives me more comfort than talking to a loved one who hasn't experienced it.  Strange, isn't it?

But then I also think about the loved ones in my life who have decided to share their story, whether by blogging or through conversation.  I am so appreciative of their stories.  They give me comfort in knowing that we have something in common and we understand each other.  They also give me hope that God will be faithful, just like He was faithful to them.

Do you see why it's important to share our stories?  I'm in the middle of my story but I do intend to share it.  I want to provide others the same connection, the same comfort, the same hope that they have provided me.  So tune in next time as I slowly start to share my story...