Little Shoes

Dave and I bought these little shoes several months ago.  It was in response to a video we watched from a sermon series that our church was doing called "The Circle Maker."   The author Mark Batterson talked about acting in faith before God moves.  He told the story of when he was a young pastor looking for a drummer for their praise team.  He felt God telling him to buy a drum set first, even though he didn't want to.  But, he went out and bought a drum set, despite the fact that they didn't have a drummer and that it didn't really fit the young church's budget. The Sunday after he bought the drum set, a U.S. marine from the Drum and Bugle Corps came to his church...and became their new drummer. It takes a lot more faith to take the first step then to just wait for God to answer your prayer.

Now, obviously these little shoes didn't cost as much as a drum set but we keep these shoes in our bedroom as a reminder that we have faith that God will one day bless us with a child.  It also reminds us to never give up on our prayer and to be BOLD in our prayers to God.  We have learned that praying "God, please bless us with a baby if it's your will" is not enough.  No, we have become much bolder.  We think about Hannah's prayer: : "Oh, God-of-the-Angel-Armies, If you'll take a good, hard look at my pain, If you'll quit neglecting me and go into action for me"  (1 Samuel 1:11 MSG).  


Now, even as I'm typing these words, I have a small twinge of guilt because I can't say that I have that faith and boldness every day.  I still have my doubts and question God's timing. Over the past year, I have learned that it's okay to tell God how I really feel. This has actually been really hard for me to do.  It doesn't seem right to share my anger and frustration with this holy, mighty, omnipotent God (even though He already knows my heart).  But, He can handle it whether it's the right response or not. 

So in the midst of my faith and doubts and hope and frustration and anger, God has really been giving me the strength I need and He gives it to me just one day at a time.  I see this strength in a lot of different ways.  I see it in the way I have been responding to another "No" or "Wait."  Instead of screaming at God, I am reaching out to Him in my tears and pain.  I am starting to let Him carry me and I'm starting to learn that his answer of "No" or "Wait" does not change His love for me. I see His strength in me as I watch my best friends' baby grow and be baptized and I don't feel envy or bitterness but joy for them.   I see His strength in me when others make less than sensitive comments about infertility or about being pregnant and I am quick to forgive.  I know it is His strength because I can assure you that without it I would be feeling and acting on all of those negative feelings. 

So those little shoes remind us to keep praying, to keep reaching out to the One that can heal our pain and hold our tears.  We are learning that this journey is extremely painful but it would be even more painful without Jesus walking by our side. 

We ask for you to keep praying too because on the days where we feel too weak to pray, YOUR prayers are making the difference for us and lifting us up.