Lessons Learning

“My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness.”  2 Corinthians 12:9 

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts”   Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  Psalm 37:4

I’ve read these verses plenty of times but they now hold a different meaning for me.

Over the past year, God has been stretching me, testing me, and teaching me about his ways (not mine) through the painful struggle and long journey of infertility.

Dave and I were nervous and excited when we decided we were ready to grow our family.  Unfortunately, I was under the illusion that these things happen right away since that had been my experience (though very limited) with other people I knew that got pregnant.  You can imagine my disappointment when I read my first negative pregnancy test.  Little did I know how many more would come.

The first lesson God taught me (which really felt like a 2x4 to the head) was “You are not in control, I am.”   Not earth shattering.  Though I knew that in my head, I still felt that things could happen when I wanted them to happen.  It's taken awhile for this lesson to really get pounded in my head but now I'm starting to get it.   God is in control of my life, not me.

As time as gone on, the lessons are becoming harder.  As each month has ticked by, the desire to have a child has grown.   Each month, it’s just a little more painful and I started to question God’s love and goodness.  I have asked myself, “If God loves me so much, why is he making me go through such pain?”  “Does God even see all these tears?”  “Why does He seem so silent?"
God's answer? “My thoughts are not your thoughts and My ways are not your ways.”   

I don't understand.  I may never understand on this side of heaven.  And that's hard for me to accept.  But it's God's way of teaching me about himself.  What He keeps encouraging me to do is to trust Him no matter what and to believe that my circumstances do not define who He is or His love for me.  He keeps telling me that I have to trust that his plan is better than mine.  And that's a really hard thing for me to do. 

One thing I do know.  Despite the pain that I've been through over the past year, I can say I've been thankful for the past year because I have experienced more growth personally and in my faith over this year than I have in a long time, maybe ever.  God has been reminding me of the verse in James that says, "Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

But even though God has been reminding me of these things, it has not changed my desire to have a child right now. It doesn't really change the pain or take it away but perhaps....PERHAPS gives a purpose for the pain.  I am still pleading with God to grant me the desire of my heart...and SOON.  I don't want to wait any longer...I don't want to go through another month of disappointment and heartache...I don't want to find out that we will never be able to have kids on our own.  I want to have a baby and be a mother. 

And so the story and journey continues...