Little Shoes

Dave and I bought these little shoes several months ago.  It was in response to a video we watched from a sermon series that our church was doing called "The Circle Maker."   The author Mark Batterson talked about acting in faith before God moves.  He told the story of when he was a young pastor looking for a drummer for their praise team.  He felt God telling him to buy a drum set first, even though he didn't want to.  But, he went out and bought a drum set, despite the fact that they didn't have a drummer and that it didn't really fit the young church's budget. The Sunday after he bought the drum set, a U.S. marine from the Drum and Bugle Corps came to his church...and became their new drummer. It takes a lot more faith to take the first step then to just wait for God to answer your prayer.

Now, obviously these little shoes didn't cost as much as a drum set but we keep these shoes in our bedroom as a reminder that we have faith that God will one day bless us with a child.  It also reminds us to never give up on our prayer and to be BOLD in our prayers to God.  We have learned that praying "God, please bless us with a baby if it's your will" is not enough.  No, we have become much bolder.  We think about Hannah's prayer: : "Oh, God-of-the-Angel-Armies, If you'll take a good, hard look at my pain, If you'll quit neglecting me and go into action for me"  (1 Samuel 1:11 MSG).  


Now, even as I'm typing these words, I have a small twinge of guilt because I can't say that I have that faith and boldness every day.  I still have my doubts and question God's timing. Over the past year, I have learned that it's okay to tell God how I really feel. This has actually been really hard for me to do.  It doesn't seem right to share my anger and frustration with this holy, mighty, omnipotent God (even though He already knows my heart).  But, He can handle it whether it's the right response or not. 

So in the midst of my faith and doubts and hope and frustration and anger, God has really been giving me the strength I need and He gives it to me just one day at a time.  I see this strength in a lot of different ways.  I see it in the way I have been responding to another "No" or "Wait."  Instead of screaming at God, I am reaching out to Him in my tears and pain.  I am starting to let Him carry me and I'm starting to learn that his answer of "No" or "Wait" does not change His love for me. I see His strength in me as I watch my best friends' baby grow and be baptized and I don't feel envy or bitterness but joy for them.   I see His strength in me when others make less than sensitive comments about infertility or about being pregnant and I am quick to forgive.  I know it is His strength because I can assure you that without it I would be feeling and acting on all of those negative feelings. 

So those little shoes remind us to keep praying, to keep reaching out to the One that can heal our pain and hold our tears.  We are learning that this journey is extremely painful but it would be even more painful without Jesus walking by our side. 

We ask for you to keep praying too because on the days where we feel too weak to pray, YOUR prayers are making the difference for us and lifting us up. 

 

Lessons Learning

“My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness.”  2 Corinthians 12:9 

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts”   Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  Psalm 37:4

I’ve read these verses plenty of times but they now hold a different meaning for me.

Over the past year, God has been stretching me, testing me, and teaching me about his ways (not mine) through the painful struggle and long journey of infertility.

Dave and I were nervous and excited when we decided we were ready to grow our family.  Unfortunately, I was under the illusion that these things happen right away since that had been my experience (though very limited) with other people I knew that got pregnant.  You can imagine my disappointment when I read my first negative pregnancy test.  Little did I know how many more would come.

The first lesson God taught me (which really felt like a 2x4 to the head) was “You are not in control, I am.”   Not earth shattering.  Though I knew that in my head, I still felt that things could happen when I wanted them to happen.  It's taken awhile for this lesson to really get pounded in my head but now I'm starting to get it.   God is in control of my life, not me.

As time as gone on, the lessons are becoming harder.  As each month has ticked by, the desire to have a child has grown.   Each month, it’s just a little more painful and I started to question God’s love and goodness.  I have asked myself, “If God loves me so much, why is he making me go through such pain?”  “Does God even see all these tears?”  “Why does He seem so silent?"
God's answer? “My thoughts are not your thoughts and My ways are not your ways.”   

I don't understand.  I may never understand on this side of heaven.  And that's hard for me to accept.  But it's God's way of teaching me about himself.  What He keeps encouraging me to do is to trust Him no matter what and to believe that my circumstances do not define who He is or His love for me.  He keeps telling me that I have to trust that his plan is better than mine.  And that's a really hard thing for me to do. 

One thing I do know.  Despite the pain that I've been through over the past year, I can say I've been thankful for the past year because I have experienced more growth personally and in my faith over this year than I have in a long time, maybe ever.  God has been reminding me of the verse in James that says, "Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

But even though God has been reminding me of these things, it has not changed my desire to have a child right now. It doesn't really change the pain or take it away but perhaps....PERHAPS gives a purpose for the pain.  I am still pleading with God to grant me the desire of my heart...and SOON.  I don't want to wait any longer...I don't want to go through another month of disappointment and heartache...I don't want to find out that we will never be able to have kids on our own.  I want to have a baby and be a mother. 

And so the story and journey continues...