For weeks now, maybe even months I keep having this desire to write and document how God is currently working in my life. Then the business of work and motherhood and just life creeps in and by the end of the day my brain isn't capable of forming sentences anymore.
But this stuff is too good and too scary and too big to keep to myself forever so it's time to finally get it on paper. If anything, it's a way for me to look back and see how God has stretched me farther than I thought was possible.
God has been speaking to me quite loudly through books, sermons and conversations lately and has been challenging the way I've thought about my faith and Christianity. There is so much I could go into here...so much that God has been revealing to me. But it pretty much boils down to:
What if God is calling me to something more?
I love having a comfortable life. I have an awesome husband and beautiful son. I love our home and the small quiet town that we live in. We have loving family and friends. We have a great life. Isn't this what God has called me to? If things are going well, doesn't that mean that I'm in God's will?
Although a large part of me is happy with continuing this comfortable life, there is a part of me that feels unsettled and I'm sensing the Holy Spirit is making me uncomfortable with my comfortable life so He can really show up in a big way and show me what a life after Christ really looks like. As Jennie Allen asks in her book Anything, I'm asking myself, "What if my life was going so beautifully because I wasn't chasing after God?"
God has been telling me lately ( over and over again) that following Jesus is costly. I'm faced with the question that if I say I'm following Jesus and it's not costing me anything, am I really following? Can I follow Jesus AND have a comfortable, easy life? I'm not sure anymore.
The early church leaders in the Bible certainly didn't live comfortable lives. Most were martyred for Christ's sake. They were persecuted and far from home in order to share God's love with the world.
Does this mean I have to sell everything and move across the world? Maybe, maybe not. Being uncomfortable can manifest itself in many ways. Moving would be uncomfortable (to put it lightly) but so would talking with my neighbors about God. I think the point is more about how I'm not sure that God wants me to comfortable. Comfort tells me that I'm doing fine on my own, that I don't really need God. Comfort tends to put my God in a box instead of seeing what He can do when I get out of the way.
In a lot of ways, I am sick of just standing on the sidelines. I'm sick of calling the play then sitting on the bench. I'm curious about what a life surrendered to Jesus looks like. What He could do in my life if I took out my own agenda and plans and just listened to the Holy Spirit and where He wants to lead me.
And yet the idea of going through with this makes me go into a cold sweat. It scares me. I've had lots of tears lately, growing pains I'll call it, as God is slowly trying to bring me to a place where I'll do anything for Him.
His latest question to me as been, Do you love me more than your husband? More than your son? More than your desire to grow your family? More than your quiet, peaceful life in Zeeland?
I want my answer to yes. I think we all do, but if God took my husband, my son, my home, my own life, would I still be able to say "Praise the name of the Lord?"
So I'm praying that God will continue to work in my heart and bring me to a place where I can say I will do anything for Him.
Even though this scares me so much...just writing this all out and admitting it on paper, my stomach is in knots and tears come to my eyes...I also know that this is what Jesus meant when He said that only when we lose our life will we find it. He also reminds us that He will not only give us life but life to the FULL. It's not easy but I do believe it is a joy filled life.
Stay tuned. I have a feeling that God is going to shake up my life even more.
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Six Months
Every day has been a blessing. That's not to say that there aren't days when I'm completely exhausted or get impatient or frustrated. Trust me, the days are far from perfect but at the end of the day as I put him to bed and watch him sleep, my heart is so full and I thank God for blessing us with another day with our son.
I love being a mom I've had a few different jobs over the years but nothing has given me as much of a sense of purpose and fulfillment than being a mom. I feel totally in my element and feel that it's something that comes naturally for me. This does not mean I'm perfect or don't doubt myself on a regular basis. My husband will tell you how I've asked countless times, "Are we doing the right thing?!??" But every day that I get with Eli feels like such a privilege to be able to watch him grow and learn. To be able to hold him and kiss his cheeks and tell him how much I love him. It all seems too good to be true.
You might think I'm a little morbid for thinking this but I'm under a constant realization that I don't have control over Eli's life and God could chose to take him at any moment. I wouldn't say it's something I'm constantly thinking about or worrying about but it's just a reminder that every day is a gift. I think it also comes from the realization and experience that life doesn't always go as planned. Seasons always change and there will be storms that will come again.
It's easy to be joyful in this season when things are going so well. I pray that God will remind me of this attitude when the storms come again and that I will learn to be grateful not just in the good times but the hard times as well. To learn to not take things for granted even when it's more tempting to wish the days away.
Today, I celebrate the joy the past 6 months has brought to me and the love and grace God has shown me through this little (or not so little) boy so full of life and love and laughter. I love you Eli and I love being your mom!
P.S. You're so adorable I can hardly stand it!
P.S. You're so adorable I can hardly stand it!
Monday, July 25, 2016
Love Through Food
So I decided to do it - I had my first (quite informal) "supper club" meeting last week. I was inspired to do this by some authors I've been reading (you can read more about that here). It's not an official group yet and there are no guidelines yet on what it will look like. To start off, I just invited some of my girlfriends over for dinner with just one "rule." No kids. :)
That morning in the kitchen, I was in my element. Trying new recipes, music on, ingredients and utensils spread out all over the kitchen, mixing flavors together to create something delicious.
As a side note, I'm reading Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist and there are 29 recipes in it. My goal is to go through them all. I had done 5 up until that night so I decided to try out 2 more for our "supper club" dinner.
I decided on chicken enchiladas with chips and salsa (and margaritas) for dinner and flourless brownies for dessert. I've never been a big chocolate person until after I had Eli...not even so much when I was pregnant. Maybe the amazing chocolate cake I ate in the hospital after giving birth triggered the chocolate center in my brain and it hasn't been turned off since. ;)
Despite trying 2 recipes for the first time, I was pretty convinced that everything would turn out perfectly. Now, baking has never been my forte. (This is why I cook instead). Baking is all about timing things just right. Take it out of the oven to soon and you're eating warm batter. Take it out too late and it's hard as a rock. I rarely seem to get it right and usually it's on the gooey side because there's nothing worse than burnt cookies.
So these brownies were tricky. There are flourless so I was expecting them to be more fudge-y than cake-y. But I still think I undercooked them. I was slightly disappointed and debated not serving them at all since they didn't turn out like I had planned and I didn't want my guests eating brownie batter (despite the fact that it's still chocolate and still delicious). But then I remembered what I read in Shauna's book.
Entertaining people in your home isn't about putting on a show and making everything perfect. It's about making your guests feel comfortable and allowing them space to be who they need to be in that moment. She says,
"...entertaining isn't a sport or a competition. It's an act of love, if you let it be. You can twist it and turn it into anything you want - a way to show off your house, a way to compete with your friends, a way to earn love and approval. Or you can decide that every time you open your door, it's an act of love, not performance or competition or striving. You can decide that every time people gather around your table, you goal is nourishment, not neurotic proving. You can decide." (p 195)
So I decided that I would serve those imperfect brownies. We added some vanilla ice cream to them and they were fantastic.
But even more fantastic was the company and conversation. We are all mothers, two of us very recent mothers, one single mother and many of us mothers who struggle to take time for ourselves. It was amazing to take a step back from our normal, busy routines, to take off our "mom" hats and just BE. I was grateful for the community we created around that dinner table; the time we took to nourish our bodies and our souls. I hope that my guests saw it as an act of love, a space where they could breathe for just a moment, enjoy the hot summer weather - not worry about making dinner or doing the dishes. I hope to do this more. There are many ways we can show love to others. My way just happens to be through food. :)
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
For This Child I Prayed
For This Child I Prayed.
This plaque sits on the wall directly across from the rocking chair in Eli's room. Whether I'm rocking him to sleep, feeding him in the middle of the night or reading him a story, I look at it often and each time I do, I say a little prayer of thanks to God. It's a constant reminder of the miracle He has given to us.
This week I am especially reminded of this. This past weekend Dave, Eli and I spent a night at Interlochen State Park where Dave's parents were camping, the same weekend that we spent camping there last year. I remember that weekend quite vividly as it was the weekend before I found out I was pregnant.
About this time last year, Dave and I had taken a break from fertility treatments. I was burned out, didn't have any fight left in me and just needed the summer to clear my mind from ovulation tests, fertility drugs and negative pregnancy tests. That weekend while we were camping, I kept waiting for that monthly cycle to come around as I knew it would.
Day after day, I kept waiting. As each day passed, I would get my hopes up then quickly suppress them as I knew better than to set myself up for disappointment. I specifically remember walking to the bathhouse with Dave, feeling the cramps, and feeling frustrated, wishing it would just come already so my mind would stop playing games with me.
By Sunday there was still no sign. I was late but refused to take a pregnancy test. I just knew it would be negative and couldn't handle another disappointment.
By Tuesday night I was going crazy. I asked God to spare me from the all the wondering and if my period was going to come, to just get it over and done with. I decided that I would take a pregnancy test the next morning. Even if it was negative, I just had to know. My heart couldn't take it anymore.
Wednesday morning I woke up before Dave and took a test. Unlike the previous 22 months, I couldn't watch it and wanted to wait until the time was up before looking at it. But out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw 2 blue lines. Before really looking, I got Dave out of bed so he could look with me. There were 2 lines. Clear as day. No question. We both sat on the bathroom floor trembling, hugging each other and I started to cry. It was so surreal. We immediately prayed and thanked God for blessing us with this gift.
So this weekend as I was walking back from that same bathhouse, on that same path I walked a year ago, I was filled with emotion as all the memories and feelings flooded back to me. The waiting. The tears. The hopes and disappointments.
And as I walked to our campsite, tears in my eyes thinking how Eli is here with us now, again I was reminded.
For This Child I Prayed. For This Child We Prayed.
I thanked God for answering our prayer, so humbled and grateful for what He has given us.
I'll always remember that little path and how God can bring beauty from the ashes. Interlochen will always have a special place in my heart as it marked the end of our infertility journey and the beginning of a new chapter in our lives.
And I will continue to remind myself through the sweet and hard moments that For This Child I Prayed. <3 I love you, Eli.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Community Around the Dinner Table
Last week I finished a book called "For the Love" by Jen Hatmaker and I'm currently in the middle of "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist. Both of these books and authors have really struck a chord with me and I feel that these ladies are "my people." I love it when I read a blog or in this case a book and it feels that the author has somehow discovered a secret window into my life and has written my thoughts and feelings and experiences and beliefs in a such a beautiful perfect way that I could have never articulated myself. Every page I turn, I think "yes, I know exactly what you mean!" or "I think that all the time!"
These books have really gotten me to ponder on the things that are important in life and the theme that has stuck out the most is finding community around the dinner table. They both have a love for cooking and a deep appreciation for good food, which I also share with them. They both have supper clubs either weekly or monthly where they sit around the table with those they love and nourish their bodies and souls with good food, laughter and company. What they describe at these supper clubs sounds so magical, something beautiful being created out of something so mundane and ordinary like eating.
Then I realized how much of Jesus's ministry was spent around food or eating. He turned water to wine at a party, fed thousands with some loaves of bread and a couple of fish. He cooked breakfast for his friends and shared meals with the tax collectors and outcasts. His last night with his closest friends was spent around the table with bread and wine.
There is something so mysterious and beautiful about sharing a meal with people you love. It forces us to slow down from our fast food paced lives and savor each bite and moment and appreciate it for what it is. It reminds us what's truly important in life (good food, in my opinion, is up there).
All of this has made me consider possibly putting together my own supper club. So we'll see where that goes. In the meantime, find some friends, cook them a meal and experience the beauty and joy that comes from eating around the dinner table and experiencing authentic community.
Monday, March 28, 2016
My Birth Story
I have always been terrified of labor.
Media has a way of showing labor as a traumatic experience - the woman screaming and snapping at her husband, going through agonizing pain. Of course, the ending is always happy and worth it but the labor is seen as a necessary evil and means to an end.
I consider myself to have a low pain tolerance so I have always worried how I would have a baby. During our infertility, I thought on multiple occasions that God wasn't going to bless us with a baby of our own because He knew I wouldn't be able to handle labor and delivery.
Thankfully, I was wrong. :)
The journey I took and the preparation I had during my pregnancy completely changed my perspective on birthing and I can honestly say that I enjoyed our birth experience. I have become passionate about women and couples advocating for themselves and being informed about labor and birthing.
I know there are a million ways to have a baby and none of them are right or wrong. The "right" birth experience is one that fits the couple's desires and beliefs. Even then, I recognize that there are always unplanned events with birth and it won't always go as you hoped.
I wanted to share my story and journey of natural childbirth because it's something I believe in very strongly. There are so few people that I have heard say they enjoyed their birth and I think there's a lot we can do to change that. Again, I don't expect anyone to follow exactly what we did. In fact, that would be contrary to what I'm trying to get across as each birth is so individualized. I do strongly encourage women and couples to be well informed about the benefits and risks to each aspect of labor and birth so they can make the best decisions for themselves and their baby.
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When Dave and I got pregnant, I was not necessarily planning on having a natural birth. At that point, I didn't really fully understand what that meant. I wanted to try not having an epidural and based on stories I heard, I really didn't want to get induced. Natural childbirth sounded like a good idea but again my fear of pain made me question my ability to do so.
The first step in our journey was choosing a provider. I was currently seeing an OB-GYN but he was part of a huge practice so there was no guarantee that he would deliver my baby and I would likely have someone that I had never met before. This is what first motivated me to get a midwife. I was interested in having someone follow me throughout my entire pregnancy and then be there for the entire birth - not just the last 5 minutes. Having a midwife did not mean having a home birth. It just meant having a provider with a slightly different perspective and focus on childbirth.
As it turned out, I found that there were so many more benefits of seeing a midwife than just the guarantee that I would know who would be delivering my baby. Both of my midwives really took their time with us and I discovered that their philosophy of care really resonated with me. They focused on non-interventions in the absence of complications and encouraged Dave and I to be active participants in our care. They ensured we had the information we needed but gave us the autonomy to make the decisions. They focused heavily on evidenced based care instead of doing things because "that's the way we've always done it."
Among all the information that they gave us, we were provided with a comprehensive list of different kinds of birthing classes available. This went beyond just the classes that the hospital offers. I reviewed the list of classes and came across Bradley classes. This particularly sparked my interest because it was focused on natural childbirth and training the husband/partner to be a coach through labor and delivery. I wanted Dave to have an active role in childbirth so it seemed to fit.
The information we learned at our Bradley classes was invaluable. It had a strong focus on natural childbirth and sometimes felt a bit biased on that side of things but what I really appreciated about it was how it taught us to be well informed and then make a decision on what we felt was best. Throughout the class, we looked at inductions, C-sections, IV fluids during labor, epidurals, premature rupture of membranes, continuous fetal monitoring and more. For each intervention, we looked at the benefits, risks, alternatives, and what our intuition told us about it. This allowed us to not just go with what our medical system considers as "routine" but really question if it's the best intervention to use or know situations when it would be appropriate.
It opened my eyes to the way our medical system operates. Don't get me wrong, we are blessed to have great medical care and technology and if something goes wrong, we have great life saving procedures. However, I realized that not everything we do routinely for birth is necessarily evidenced based. One thing that really caught my attention was the routine use of IV fluids during labor. The reason women often get an IV in triage and later have IV fluids is so they can stay hydrated. Often times hospitals will not allow women to eat or drink during labor in case they need to have a C-section and have general anesthesia. There is a slight risk of aspiration in these situations so they make it routine for women to have nothing by mouth. What I learned though is that IV fluids can dilute the hormones working in the body to help the labor process so labor can be slowed and not as effective. It often causes swelling making breastfeeding difficult after delivery and also can cause a more dramatic weight loss in the baby after birth since the baby was impacted by the extra fluid as well. Having an IV also inhibits the woman from moving about freely during labor and can cause unnecessary discomfort. There are situations where an IV would be necessary but the evidence states it does not need to be routine.
Bradley taught us a lot of other really helpful tools to prepare for labor including relaxation techniques and deep breathing. There were several exercises recommended to do daily to prepare and strengthen muscles needed for labor and pushing.
Through the Bradley classes, I was introduced to the idea of having a doula. At first I was torn because I knew that my midwife would be there with me throughout the birth and wasn't sure that I would need another person since Dave was now pretty well informed of what to expect. My midwife encouraged me to do most of my labor at home in order to avoid interventions at the hospital and also to be more comfortable. We were also encouraged to have a doula as a support for Dave but also as more emotional support for me as the midwife would more be focused on the physical support.
Since we were going to labor at home and because we are a half hour away from the hospital, we decided to hire a doula to help us at home and help us determine when it would be time to go to the hospital.
Again, I fell in love our doula right away. She met with us a couple times before birth, providing us with various tools and relaxation techniques. She helped us create our birth plan - our preferences for birth knowing that not everything would be inside our control. She provided ongoing phone/email support during the last part of my pregnancy and helped prepare me for labor.
Through the support of my midwife, the Bradley classes and my doula, I started to become more confident that I could do this whole labor thing. I felt empowered by all the information and was no longer so afraid of it. I felt as prepared as I could be for something I never experienced before. Of course, there was still the fear of the unknown. Around 36 weeks, I started having some self doubt and feeling nervous about it but I just combated those negative thoughts with positive self talk, telling myself I could do it and that God created my body to give birth naturally. I didn't let the fear get the best of me.
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March 15, 2016 12:30 AM
My water broke and my labor started. I used what I had learned and practiced regarding relaxation and deep breathing. Things progressed quickly - so much so that Dave didn't recognize how far along I was since he was assuming it wouldn't go so fast. I knew I was farther along than he thought I was but had difficulty articulating it because I was so much in the zone of coping with my contractions. By the time our doula got to our house, it was past due to go to the hospital as I was starting to transition into pushing. She got in the back seat with me and assured me I wouldn't have the baby in the car which prevented me from completely panicking (I learned later she wasn't 100% sure about that haha ). She reassured me that I was doing everything right and coached me through each contraction. I honestly don't know how I would have made it to the hospital without her.
We arrived at the hospital at roughly 9 AM and Eli was born at 9:42 AM. My midwife was absolutely amazing. She had such a calming presence and gently coached me through the pushing and provided a ton of positive encouragement which really helped me get through it.
I can't tell you the sense of accomplishment that I felt when it was all over. I did it! I was stronger than I thought I was and felt so empowered that I had done it without any interventions or pain medication.
Of course none of that compares to the moment when I took Eli into my arms and met him for the first time. It was so miraculous and overwhelming beautiful.
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Would I describe my labor and delivery as painless? No. It was very intense, not easy and I was glad it was over. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and there was never a moment where I felt that I couldn't handle it or couldn't do it anymore. Granted, it was a very fast labor and I can imagine having more difficulty during a long drawn out labor.
Of course I'll never know what labor would have been like without my midwife, the Bradley classes, my doula and all the preparation I did - I never will. But I do feel that they all played a part in giving me the confidence I needed to get through labor and the confidence to be able to do it without a lot of interventions. I wouldn't change anything about my birth experience (except being at the hospital a little bit sooner hehe). I am so grateful that Eli's birth was not a means to an end but a journey - a journey that I am glad to have experienced as it allowed me to trust my body with what it was created to do.
Thank you to our midwives Sarah Lagrand and Breck Reinsma and our doula Brenda Baar for helping us!
For more information:
http://www.aobgyn.com
http://www.overthemoondoula.com/
http://www.bradleybirth.com/
http://evidencebasedbirth.com/
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