Lavish Love

 A few months back, I went back and re-read some of my blog posts from when we were going through infertility.  I was again reminded at how faithful God has been to our family.  We were given a very slim chance of conceiving on our own and each pregnancy (all conceived naturally I might add) has been a testimony of God's grace in answering our prayers.  

I think back to 6 years ago when I wondered whether we would ever have children of our own.  Oh how many tears I cried, prayers I prayed, pleading with God to give us a child.  I can remember two instances during that time when I felt God telling me that we would one day have children.  At the time, I wasn't certain if that's what He was really saying and it was easy to doubt that promise when months would go by without a positive pregnancy test.  I can look back now and see how He really was speaking to me, telling me that He would answer our prayers.  But it was all in His timing.  

Fast forward and now we are anticipating a FOURTH child.  FOUR!  My heart is so overwhelmed at His graciousness.  Six years ago, I wouldn't have been able to fathom being pregnant with a fourth child.  But isn't that just God's character? How he lavishes His love on us?  Gives us more than what we would could ever ask or imagine? 

But do you know what's even more amazing than this story and testimony that He has given our family?  It's the story that we celebrate today on Christmas. It's the story that weaves us all together. The story of love coming down as a baby in a manager so many Christmases ago.  It's God's lavish love on a world so in need of a Savior.  What could be a better expression of love?  

On this Christmas Day, I am celebrating new life.  New life inside me but also new life given to me through Christ.  In a crazy year of so much disappointment and division, I hope that you will feel the hope, peace, joy and love that comes through celebrating the day when Christ came to earth.  Merry Christmas to you all! 

"I celebrate the day that you were born to die 

so I could one day pray for you to save my life. "

I Celebrate the Day by Relient K 

Progress

 As an enneagram 1 who struggles with an inner critic always telling me that I'm not a good enough *fill in the blank* and I should be better, it's hard for me to feel good about myself sometimes.  But when I look back at the past 3 months, I am so encouraged and proud of the progress I have made.  This isn't to toot my own horn but I thought I would share a little bit of my journey so maybe others can be encouraged by it too.  

Over the summer, I was noticing that I was experiencing a lot of irritability, anxiety, and sometimes anger.  At times, I felt out of control and helpless to stop my emotions.  Unfortunately, my kids took the brunt of it and I was left feeling guilt and shame for screaming at them. Again. I did not feel like myself so I reached out to a counselor. Shortly after, I called my midwife and was told that in addition to the general stress from the pandemic, I likely struggle with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). 

Through the encouragement of my counselor, I reached out to a woman in my neighborhood who owns her own fitness business and signed up for her exercise classes.  I started exercising 4 days a week - something I have never done consistently in my entire life. I started taking supplements consistently and tried to watch my diet a little more closely.  I turned off my Facebook account for awhile and removed my news apps and I'm trying as much as I can to get outside at least a little bit every day.  I started creating new routines at home with my kids to provide more consistency and habits. I started BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) and have been reading the Bible and praying more. 

As I have added these things, I am becoming more aware of things that affect my mood and I'm trying to adjust as needed.  I am finding that it takes A LOT of work and intentionality.  For me, it's a balancing act between all the things I mentioned above.  I'm certainly not perfect at getting them all in every day but I notice such a big difference when I pay attention to them.  

I just had my last session with my counselor (for now at least) and as I look back, I see how God has provided through it all.  He has put all these different people in my life, particularly my counselor and fitness coach who have been a huge source of encouragement and accountability for me.  I am just so grateful for the growth that I have seen in myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  I've lost almost 5 lbs, I have more energy and feel more connected with my kids.  I'm feeling more alignment to God's truth and have more joy. 

All that to say, I still have bad days.  I still yell at my kids. I still don't get as much sleep as I should.  I still dread getting up at 5am to work out. I still get caught up in the political divisiveness and forget to center myself on Jesus.  But again, I am so grateful for the progress and the ways God is working in all these different areas of my life.  

Learning to be loved

I've been reading blogs of people very dear to me recently and they've inspired me to resurrect my own blog.  I can't compete with their writing skills but I can try ;) 

God revealed something to me the other day. It was simple yet profound and I'm still working on carving out some time to really ponder it and explore it more deeply.  

I was with my husband and thinking about his kindness, his patience, and his love.  I was thinking about how safe I feel with him and how certain I am of his love for me.  There are times when I don't understand why he loves me the way he does, how he can love me with all my imperfections but I never doubt that he does.  I don't try to earn his love and I don't think I need to do anything in order for him to love me.  He just does. He loves me for who I am....warts and all.  

I've often thought about how my husband's personality and demeanor is just what I need and how I probably would have struggled more in a marriage with someone who has a different personality type.  

As an ennegram one, I struggle with the question and inner voice that is constantly asking, "Am I good enough?" I strive for perfection and at my worst I believe my value is tied to how "good" I am.  Whatever that means. 

So to have a husband who is so gentle and does such a great job affirming me often, I have come to trust his love and believe that there's nothing I could do for him to love me less. 

So as I'm thinking of all this, God started to speak. 

Why is it so easy for you to trust Dave's love for you yet doubt my love for you? I love you more than Dave does so why do you think you have to earn my love? I don't love you based on what you do or don't do, I love you no matter what.  

And then I realized that maybe God was quite intentional with who he picked to be my husband.  He gave me Dave as a glimpse of His love for me. He knew I would always struggle with believing in His unconditional love, so he gave me a human example of what that looks like (however imperfect that might be)...which makes sense because one of the primary purposes of marriage is to reflect God's love to the world, right? 

So I hope to sit in that a little more. Think about Dave's love for me and then multiple that by a million to just scratch the surface on God's love for me.  It's incomprehendable but maybe little by little I'll be able to trust more and more that He loves me when I think I'm being "good" and just as much when I think I've totally screwed up.  

Just the fact that he gave me Dave is an example of how he cares for me and wants to show me the riches of his love.  And I'm so so grateful for that.