Wrestling

My infertility has caused me to wrestle with God and my faith on many levels over the past 22 months.  During the first year, I wrestled with believing in a God that would allow this to happen in my life.  I didn't necessarily wrestle with my belief in the existence of God but rather whether I was going to follow Him and surrender my wants and desires and my life to Him.   I questioned if I could really trust Him and does He really have a better plan than I do? 

Through this first stage of wrestling and through reading the books, "A Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser and "When God Sees Your Tears" by Cindi McMenamin, my view of God's character began to change.  I have always known that God is a loving God but I think this concept has had a hard time getting from my head to my heart. The struggle with infertility made me realize that my view of God historically has been more on the holy, mighty, disciplinary side of the spectrum than the relational, loving, gracious side of the spectrum. Of course He is all of those things but my initial reaction to my infertility was that He was doing this because I deserved it and was doing it because I didn't have enough faith in Him.  Now, I do deserve it.  I deserve death. But that's where grace comes in and I'm learning more about what grace really means.  Through reading the books, I'm coming to realize more that God isn't out to get me to teach me a lesson but that I need to trust in his sovereignty and his will.  I had moments when I thought God didn't care and envisioned him as a stern father looking down, waiting for me to get it together before He could bless me.  But that's not it either.  He has blessed me, just not in the way of children.  He's given me physical blessings such family, friends, food, car, house, and the list could go on and on.  He's also given spiritual blessings such as peace and strength for each day. I don't have the time today to go through the various lessons I learned and conclusions I made through this stage of wrestling but I can tell you that I chose to follow Him through the infertility instead of turning my back on Him and I trust in my heart that He has a plan.

That being said, it's hard to always have that trust and I feel like I am in another phase of wrestling.  I'm reading a book on the sovereignty of God and wrestling with some of the principles in there.  If God's will is sovereign and no one can change His will, then why do we pray?   Do our prayers really make a difference if God already has made up His mind about something?  Is it worth even trying to pray for a child of my own or is it all in vain?  Why do we pray for healing if God's will isn't to heal?  Of course we don't know the will of God but is it really our prayers that make the difference?

It's been good for me to ask these questions.  Someone recently told me that when we are wrestling with God, we are the closest we can get to Him. I think sometimes we get nervous with wrestling and questioning our faith.  In my experience, it's making my faith stronger.  Through this experience, I learned that my faith was weak and it's felt a little like the man who built his house on sand.  One thing goes wrong and the foundation crumbles.  Through questioning and wrestling, I'm building the house back up with Christ as my foundation.

I'm learning to not just ask the questions but to truly wrestle with it and challenge it.  That's where I feel the faith grows.  Because if I can struggle through these tough questions and get to a place where I don't necessarily have the answer but can trust  God through it all, hopefully my foundation will be stronger once the next storm comes around.  I'm still learning to do this though.  It's easy for me to ask all the questions, get frustrated, and just try to forget about it all instead of reading the Bible and praying through the questions. Lately I've found it easier to stop asking God for a child because it's too painful to hear "No" over and over again.  I pray about this too.  I think God wants me to tell Him that it's getting hard to ask and to give me wisdom and guidance for what to ask.

I am comforted that there are people in the Bible that I can relate to.  The Bible tells us that Jacob wrestled with God.  In this case, he was physically wrestling with God but based on what I know about the story, it was spiritual just as much as physical.  Jacob wrestled all night and said to the man, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."  Jacob's persistence was rewarded and he was blessed.

This is a lesson for me to not give up wrestling and not give up asking because I know that God hears me and will bless me. One night I was really wrestling with whether my prayers for a child make any difference and whether I should keep praying for one.  I prayed that God would show me whether my requests make a difference or not.  After praying, I read this paragraph from the book I'm reading about God's sovereignty: (forgive me, it's long).

 "Trusting God in the midst of our pain and heartache means that we accept it from Him. There is a vast difference between acceptance and either resignation or submission. We can resign ourselves to a difficult situation, simply because we see no other alternative. Many people do that all the time. Or we can submit to the sovereignty of God in our circumstances with a certain amount of reluctance. But to truly accept our pain and heartache has the connotation of willingness. An attitude of acceptance says that we trust God, that He loves us and knows what is best for us. 

 Acceptance does not mean that we do not pray for physical healing, or for the conception and birth of a little one to our marriage. We should indeed pray for those things, but we should pray in a trusting way. We should realize that, though God can do all things, for infinitely wise and loving reasons, He may not do that which we pray that He will do.  How do we know how long to pray? As along as we can pray trustingly, with an attitude of acceptance of His will, we should pray as long as the desire remains."  (Jerry Bridges,"Trusting God Even When Life Hurts")

I don't believe in coincidence.  God provided His answer to me.  So I will continue wrestling and will continue praying for the desires of my heart.

Awareness

In the past week on two separate occasions, I've had women (acquaintances at best) come up to me and ask "No baby yet, no baby yet?!?" and...

"Do you have kids?"

"No."

"How long have you been married?"

"Four years."

"So when do you plan on start having kids?"

Since my infertility is no secret anymore, I responded to both them by saying, "My husband and I are going through infertility."  I didn't say it to make them feel bad for asking but more to provide an awareness that it isn't that easy for everyone.

Maybe it was my nonchalant manner in my answer but the response I received from both of them was not exactly what I was expecting.

"Oh, okay! Smile and nod. No look of concern or "I'm sorry to hear that."

I wasn't looking for pity or sympathy from these people but just wanted them to think twice about asking strangers those questions.  Perhaps they were putting on a face under the "Oh crap! What do I say now??"  Very well could be...

These encounters made me realize that so many people just don't get it.  They don't understand all the layers and pain and tears under the word "infertility." They don't understand the loss that takes place every, single, month.  And why would they?  I can't expect them to know what it feels like to wait month after month after month for that second pink line if they've never experienced it themselves or seen someone they love go through it.   I don't blame them for it as I know they didn't mean to be insensitive but I wish there was more awareness.

It also made me think about what I may do or say with good intentions that may come off as insensitive to someone else.  Everyone has struggles and all of us "don't get" a lot of things.

I don't know what it's like to lose a spouse, a parent, a sibling or a child.

I don't know what it's like to be unemployed, waiting month after month, year after year for a job.

I don't know what it's like to go through a divorce or be in an abusive relationship.

I don't know what it's like to have a mental illness or see someone I love struggle with it.

I don't know what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck and not know how the bills will be paid.

I don't know what it's like to have a child with a disability.

I don't know what it's like to have a debilitating, degenerative disease.

I don't know what it's like to struggle with an addiction .

What I do know is that "stuff" happens to everyone at some point in their lives and there will be many times that we won't "get" what the other person is going through.

I also know that even though we don't know what it's like to be in their situation (and in some ways we never will), there are still things we can do to love, encourage, and support them.  Going through infertility has made me more sensitive to others' struggles and needs.  I'm more careful not to minimize their feelings and less quick to try and offer advice.  Although I know that everyone is different and responds to things differently, I've tried to avoid the things that I've found not so helpful and respond in ways that I've found to be encouraging in my situation.  I know it's difficult to know what to do or say when someone else is struggling.  We're afraid of making things worse by saying the wrong things.  Over the past couple years, I've learned through my journey and supporting others on their journeys some of the "Dos" and "Don'ts."   I realize that these are not universal but I have found them to be helpful.

• Trying to fix it is not the answer
• It's okay to not always have the words to say
• JUST LISTEN
• A card or a simple text goes a long way
• (Hate to say it) Quoting Scripture is not always helpful 
• Give space when needed 
• Do not underestimate the power and importance of prayer 
• "Checking in" shows you care 
• Sometimes we need to pray when others can't 
• Be very careful with giving advice 
• Affirm feelings, don't minimize them 

I don't list these things to make others feel guilty if they have or have not done them and they are as much reminders for me as anyone else.  None of us will be perfect at saying or doing the "right" things but I think having better awareness is important.  

There will always be those of us that won't get it.  There will always be insensitive comments and useless advice. ("Just relax and it will happen" is my personal favorite.) I've learned to just roll with the punches (depending on my hormones...hehe) and surround myself with people who are supportive and sensitive.  I can't control what others say or do but I can control how I respond to others when they are hurting. I thank God for giving me a glimpse of the pain that people experience every day and giving me a better awareness and sensitivity towards it.  It's just one of the ways that God is shaping and molding me through this difficult, trying journey of infertility.

No Fight Left

I am no different than the Israelites.

It's easy to read through the Old Testament and think, "C'mon guys, you're turning away from God AGAIN?!?? You really are a stiff necked people!!"  We think we would have done better if we had been in their shoes.  I'm not entirely convinced of that...

I am just as stiff necked and stubborn as they are.

The Israelites so quickly forgot their past and what God had done for them and so easily began complaining or losing faith in God's promises for them.

How quickly I forget and despair.  I feel like I've already forgotten the lessons God has been teaching me through BSF and through the journey of infertility.

My anger and frustration comes back. My questions and grumbling and crying out,
"Why are you making me go through this?!?"   I forget that He has been faithful.  I forget that there have been blessings in the desert. I forget that God has brought me this far and He will continue to carry me.

But I have no fight left.

It's too hard. Too painful.  Perhaps that's a sign that I've started to carry it on my own again.

The Israelites forgot that it wasn't by their own power or strength that they would take over the Promised Land.  So they got scared, let unbelief sink in - which led them wandering in the desert for 40 years and never seeing the Promised Land.  Their unbelief prevented them from seeing God's power and promises.

It's not by my own strength that I can get through this.  It's too heavy and burdensome. So why is it so hard to give up when I know it will be lighter when I do?

I hear the messages from church.  God has a plan. Trust Him no matter what.  He works things out for the good.  Why is it so hard to accept those messages?  I know in my heart that it's true but it's not that easy.

Maybe it's easy for other people.  It wasn't that easy for the Israelites and it's not that easy for me.  I'm still wandering in the desert with the Israelites.  Still learning the hard lessons over and over of trust. Of reliance on God not for the week or for the month but just one day at a time.  Of remembering to see and recognize the blessings in the desert and to hold onto God's promises.

All I can do is thank God for grace and 2nd chances because even after all I've seen in the past year and a half, it hasn't prevented me from doubting and losing faith that God's plan for us is really the best one.

I'm encouraged that even Moses got overwhelmed and cried out to God at times.  After hearing the people complain and grumble over and over, He started complaining to God.

"Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth?...I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now - if I have found favor in your eyes - and do not let me face my own ruin."  Numbers 11:11-12a, 14-15

What's encouraging to me is what God does next.  He doesn't beat Moses over the head for his complaints and not trusting that He would help him.  In fact, He does the opposite.  He provides Moses with 70 elders to help him and Moses then walks forward in faith.

God renewed Moses's faith in the midst of his discouragement and complaints and God will renew my faith if I turn to Him with my discouragement and doubts.

Friends, pray for me as I try to surrender this over and over and pray that my faith will be renewed by giving my doubts and pain and discouragement and questions and tears to Him.

There is no fight left on the inside
But maybe that's where I should be.  
I've given up trying
I'm giving it all to You.
- JJ Heller 

Sharing Stories {Part Two}

A few weeks ago in our Bible study, we talked about how before the Israelites entered the Promised Land, Moses recounted their story: their journey from Egypt, through the 40 years in the desert to being at the edge of the land God had promised them.  Not only did he remind them of their rebellion and sin against God, but he reminded them of God's faithfulness, mercy and grace to them.  It was an opportune time for the Israelites to look back at their story to see how God was with them and had carried them through.

This reminded me how important it is to look back on the story that God has given us.  Each one of us can look at the road map of the past and see the twists, the turns, the smooth rides, and the times where we were a little lost.  This landscape has shaped us to who we are and looking back at it shows us how we have grown through the experiences and how God was with us.   Not only is it important to look back, it's also important to record our story and share it with others so others can be encouraged by God's provision and grace.

In response to this, I looked back at all of my blog posts so far about our story and journey of infertility.  Interestingly enough, my first post was about sharing stories!

When I wrote that 8 months ago, I was just coming out of a dark hole of loneliness and isolation.  Early on in our journey, we didn't really share with very many people what we were going through which left me feeling like I was the only one.  Infertility and other pregnancy related issues can be extremely isolating. Before I wrote my first post, I searched Christian blogs on infertility, grasping for some comfort.  I remember pouring over them, crying and saying to myself, "Yes! That's how I feel too!"  It was a bit liberating knowing I wasn't crazy and someone else had the same feelings I was experiencing.

I wouldn't have experienced that comfort if those women hadn't shared their story. Their vulnerability became my hope.   It can be very scary to share our stories and struggles.  Being vulnerable means taking a risk but through looking back at our story, God has taught me that vulnerability can also be a blessing.

Like I mentioned before, we didn't tell very many people at all about our infertility until about 8 months ago.  It was hard to tell people at first, being uncertain of what the reactions would be.  Over time, it became easier and not only did I find overwhelming support and love from those we told but it seemed that women and couples struggling with infertility started coming out of the woodwork! After asking my BSF group for prayer for our infertility, FIVE women came up to me and shared they had struggled with it as well.

The opposite has been true as well.  I recently stumbled across a blog of an acquaintance from my past.  Her and her husband are currently struggling with a pregnancy related issue and her writing and honesty touched my heart.  Her vulnerability in sharing her struggles, her questions, her faith and her pain resonated so strongly with me and I felt called to reach out to her to let her know she was not alone.  In doing so, we were both touched by each other's stories and we both received another boost of  prayer and encouragement to keep moving us forward.

Sharing with others and having others share with me as been a huge encouragement and it's been in part one of the reasons that has kept me going. With every woman who says "me too,"  I take another step away from loneliness and isolation and a step into hope and community.  But that hope only came from being vulnerable.  My vulnerability in telling others what I'm struggling with opened the door for others to share what they are experiencing or have experienced and vice versa.

That being said, I'm taking another step of vulnerability and sharing with more people about our struggle with infertility.  I wish to share my story with more people to encourage others to share theirs - even if it's not related to infertility. We all have a story to share and each of our stories can somehow be connected with another story. Through sharing we not only learn to encourage one another and walk through these trials of life TOGETHER, but we also learn about GOD'S STORY - his grace, faithfulness and mercy through it all.  

I also pray that through sharing with more people, God will use my story to encourage someone else, just like God has used others to encourage me.  To whoever is reading this, I pray that whatever you are going through, pregnancy related or not, you will find comfort in community and blessing through vulnerability.  Know that you are not alone...you never were....God has been with you all along.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  - Romans 15:13 

Barren

It's easier to write on the good days.  On the not so good days, my mind is a little more fuzzy and the words don't come so easily.  I've been surprised over the last few weeks how quickly the days (or hours) can go from good to bad.  Easter is a time for celebration.  Not only celebrating what Jesus did for us and His amazing grace and love for us but celebrating the hope of eternity.  How comforting it is to know that our pain is temporary and there will be a day where we will live without pain and heartache FOREVER.   I went to bed last night thanking God for that hope but this morning I was reminded that the pain and heartache is still here.  Although God is always with me to get me through it, the sadness hasn't been taken away yet. 

Until recently, I never thought much of the term "barren" when referring to infertility.  We don't really use that term much any more but the Bible often refers to women as being barren.  What an appropriate word to use.  Being infertile feels barren.  Empty.  Deserted. Lifeless.  Incapable of producing life. A wasteland. 

I'm tired.  Tired of waiting.  Tired of the tears.  Tired of negative pregnancy tests. Tired of broken hope.  Tired of telling my husband he's not a dad this month. I'm so tired. Will it ever end?

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

It's on these days that God reminds me I'm not alone. He is with me.  It's on these days where all I can do is allow Him to carry me through it. It's on these days where He draws me closer and urges me to keep my trust in Him.

So even though the pain is not gone and God has not taken away the thorn in my flesh, He promises to me as He did to the Apostle Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I will continue to cling to the hope that this pain is temporary and I will look forward to the day when Christ will make all things new.

Even on the hard days, I still serve a risen Savior.

Looking for Beauty in the Ashes

About a month ago, when I was really despairing and having a really rough week, someone shared this verse with me.   I hadn't really heard the verse before but it cut deep into my soul.

"To all who mourn in Israel, He will bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."  Isaiah 61:3

Although this has been a tough journey, I started thinking of the things that I can be thankful for during the past year and a half...blessings that we might have not experienced without going through infertility.

Supportive, loving family and friends
I knew before all of this that I had great family and friends but we've really been blessed by the love, encouragement and support that we've received from family and friends.  When Dave and I went to a support group for infertility, one woman expressed how she couldn't tell her mom because she was afraid her mom would gossip about her to the rest of the family.  I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this without support from my family (and friends).

Prayers not only from family and friends - but strangers!
I am so humbled by how many people are interceding for us.  When I joined my group through BSF, I very quickly told them what was going on.  The next week, I had at least 4 women come up to me and say they had been praying for me all week....they had just met me two weeks before!! That was so humbling for me.  My dad told me that he has told people at work and they have said they would pray for me too.  Wow  - that a complete stranger would take time to pray for us - I am so grateful.

A better appreciation that children are a gift from God
 If I hadn't gone through this journey, I think I would have been quicker to take my children for granted.  I would have assumed that children are just a given without taking into consideration that God is in control of all.  I hope that once we get to the other side of this, I will have a deeper appreciation for my children and I will be less quick to complain about the hardships that come from parenthood.  I know I won't be perfect and parenting is no walk in the park, but I hope God will remind me of my strong desire to be a mom and will remind me to see it as a privilege, not a right.

More opportunities with Dave
Starting last winter, Dave and I started ballroom dancing lessons. This had always been a dream of mine and it was so much fun.  It was such a blessing in my life for that time and it was so nice to have a hobby to enjoy together.  We wouldn't have had the opportunity to do that together if we had gotten pregnant right away.  We also experienced another summer full of camping and trips to South Carolina, Honduras and Seattle.  I'm grateful to say that the journey of infertility has strengthen our marriage, not torn it apart.

Deeper and stronger faith
This is one of the biggest things I see in all of this.  Early in the journey, I seriously doubted my faith.  How could I believe in a God that would put me through this and WITHHOLD one of my strongest desires?  I really had put my faith through the ringer to decide if this was something I really wanted to believe in.  My faith wasn't as strong as I thought it was.  A storm came, and the foundation crumbled.  But He is helping me build it back up, stronger than it was before.  Hopefully when other storms come in the future, my foundation will be a little more sturdy than before.

I've heard it said that God will go at great lengths to bring us back to Him and take away our stubborn pride - the illusion that we have control of our lives.  I can definitely see how the infertility has centered me back on who is really in control.  Of course, I often try to take it back but each month is a reminder who is really in control.

I can't say that I want infertility as part of my life but looking at the good and the blessings gives more purpose to the pain and focusing on a BIG God causes the circumstance to look much smaller.  Oh I wish I had this perspective every day.  As my previous blog shows, things can get pretty ugly and doubt and discouragement and despair can seep in pretty quickly.  It's all a part of the journey.  The journey of trusting and having faith not just on the "good" days but also on the days when it's REALLY hard and it doesn't seem like there's an end in sight.  That's where the real test comes in. That's when I will try to find beauty in the ashes.

Still Journeying...

I wish I could say that I've accepted infertility as a part of my life.  I wish I could say that I trust God wholeheartedly with his plan and that I have peace with whatever His timing may be.  I wish I could say that I didn't get sad or envious or maybe even bitter when other woman announce their pregnancy or mad when they start complaining about their kids.  I wish I could say what the apostle Paul stated in Philippians "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every circumstance."

There are moments when I do feel at peace and cling to the promise that God has a plan for me - plans for hope and a future.  But when the rubber hits the road and "that time of the month" comes around again, it's really difficult to see the good in it all.  

In a recent Bible study lesson, we talked about unbelief.  In the book of Numbers, the Israelites continued to grumble against Moses and God about their situation which ultimately led to 40 years of wandering and not being able to enter the Promised Land.  Their unbelief prevented them from experiencing God's promises.  

I struggle with this a little bit in terms of the infertility.  Do I believe that God CAN bless us with our own child?  Absolutely!! Do I believe that he WILL?  I can't answer that question.  He might not...having our own might not be part of His plan.  I can't put all my eggs in that basket because the disappointment would be too great if it didn't work out.  But is that unbelief?? I don't know.  

Maybe the promise I have to believe and have faith in is the promise that He will work all things out to His glory and that He does have a plan and whatever plan that is, He will give us what we need to get through it.  If adoption is the path He has marked out for us, then I have to have faith that He will bring me to a place where that's okay.  But again, am I just cutting corners?  Should I believe 100% that He'll give us one of our own?  It's something I continue to wrestle with.  

I've found myself trying to put on a face for God in my prayers.  I pretend that I have it all together and force myself to have the "right" response.  I quickly realized how ridiculous that was because he knows my heart.  Instead, I just need to tell Him how I'm feeling and allow Him to help me in my unbelief.  

So as much as I would like to tell and show you all that I have it all together and that I'm responding to this infertility like I'm "supposed" to...I'm not there yet. I'm still wrestling, struggling, growing and journeying.  

Thank you for your prayers for Dave and I during this journey and we ask for continued prayers as we continue to wait and hope for a baby.