For This Child I Prayed

For This Child I Prayed. 

This plaque sits on the wall directly across from the rocking chair in Eli's room.  Whether I'm rocking him to sleep, feeding him in the middle of the night or reading him a story, I look at it often and each time I do, I say a little prayer of thanks to God.  It's a constant reminder of the miracle He has given to us. 

This week I am especially reminded of this.  This past weekend Dave, Eli and I spent a night at Interlochen State Park where Dave's parents were camping, the same weekend that we spent camping there last year.  I remember that weekend quite vividly as it was the weekend before I found out I was pregnant.  

About this time last year, Dave and I had taken a break from fertility treatments.  I was burned out, didn't have any fight left in me and just needed the summer to clear my mind from ovulation tests, fertility drugs and negative pregnancy tests. That weekend while we were camping, I kept waiting for that monthly cycle to come around as I knew it would. 

Day after day, I kept waiting. As each day passed, I would get my hopes up then quickly suppress them as I knew better than to set myself up for disappointment.  I specifically remember walking to the bathhouse with Dave, feeling the cramps, and feeling frustrated, wishing it would just come already so my mind would stop playing games with me.   

By Sunday there was still no sign.  I was late but refused to take a pregnancy test.  I just knew it would be negative and couldn't handle another disappointment. 

By Tuesday night I was going crazy.  I asked God to spare me from the all the wondering and if my period was going to come, to just get it over and done with.  I decided that I would take a pregnancy test the next morning.  Even if it was negative, I just had to know. My heart couldn't take it anymore. 

Wednesday morning I woke up before Dave and took a test.  Unlike the previous 22 months, I couldn't watch it and wanted to wait until the time was up before looking at it. But out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw 2 blue lines.  Before really looking, I got Dave out of bed so he could look with me. There were 2 lines.  Clear as day. No question.  We both sat on the bathroom floor trembling, hugging each other and I started to cry.  It was so surreal.  We immediately prayed and thanked God for blessing us with this gift.  

So this weekend as I was walking back from that same bathhouse, on that same path I walked a year ago, I was filled with emotion as all the memories and feelings flooded back to me. The waiting. The tears. The hopes and disappointments. 

And as I walked to our campsite, tears in my eyes thinking how Eli is here with us now, again I was reminded. 

For This Child I Prayed.  For This Child We Prayed.  

I thanked God for answering our prayer, so humbled and grateful for what He has given us. 

I'll always remember that little path and how God can bring beauty from the ashes. Interlochen will always have a special place in my heart as it marked the end of our infertility journey and the beginning of a new chapter in our lives.  

And I will continue to remind myself through the sweet and hard moments that For This Child I Prayed. <3    I love you, Eli.  

Community Around the Dinner Table

Last week I finished a book called "For the Love" by Jen Hatmaker and I'm currently in the middle of "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist.  Both of these books and authors have really struck a chord with me and I feel that these ladies are "my people."  I love it when I read a blog or in this case a book and it feels that the author has somehow discovered a secret window into my life and has written my thoughts and feelings and experiences and beliefs in a such a beautiful perfect way that I could have never articulated myself.  Every page I turn, I think "yes, I know exactly what you mean!" or "I think that all the time!" 

These books have really gotten me to ponder on the things that are important in life and the theme that has stuck out the most is finding community around the dinner table.  They both have a love for cooking and a deep appreciation for good food, which I also share with them.   They both have supper clubs either weekly or monthly where they sit around the table with those they love and nourish their bodies and souls with good food, laughter and company.  What they describe at these supper clubs sounds so magical, something beautiful being created out of something so mundane and ordinary like eating.  

Then I realized how much of Jesus's ministry was spent around food or eating.  He turned water to wine at a party, fed thousands with some loaves of bread and a couple of fish.  He cooked breakfast for his friends and shared meals with the tax collectors and outcasts.   His last night with his closest friends was spent around the table with bread and wine.  

There is something so mysterious and beautiful about sharing a meal with people you love.  It forces us to slow down from our fast food paced lives and savor each bite and moment and appreciate it for what it is.  It reminds us what's truly important in life (good food, in my opinion, is up there). 

All of this has made me consider possibly putting together my own supper club.  So we'll see where that goes.  In the meantime, find some friends, cook them a meal and experience the beauty and joy that comes from eating around the dinner table and experiencing authentic community. 

My Birth Story

I have always been terrified of labor.  

Media has a way of showing labor as a traumatic experience - the woman screaming and snapping at her husband, going through agonizing pain. Of course, the ending is always happy and worth it but the labor is seen as a necessary evil and means to an end.

I consider myself to have a low pain tolerance so I have always worried how I would have a baby.  During our infertility, I thought on multiple occasions that God wasn't going to bless us with a baby of our own because He knew I wouldn't be able to handle labor and delivery.  

Thankfully, I was wrong.  :) 

The journey I took and the preparation I had during my pregnancy completely changed my perspective on birthing and I can honestly say that I enjoyed our birth experience.  I have become passionate about women and couples advocating for themselves and being informed about labor and birthing.  

I know there are a million ways to have a baby and none of them are right or wrong.  The "right" birth experience is one that fits the couple's desires and beliefs.  Even then, I recognize that there are always unplanned events with birth and it won't always go as you hoped.  

I wanted to share my story and journey of natural childbirth because it's something I believe in very strongly.  There are so few people that I have heard say they enjoyed their birth and I think there's a lot we can do to change that.  Again, I don't expect anyone to follow exactly what we did.  In fact, that would be contrary to what I'm trying to get across as each birth is so individualized.  I do strongly encourage women and couples to be well informed about the benefits and risks to each aspect of labor and birth so they can make the best decisions for themselves and their baby. 

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When Dave and I got pregnant, I was not necessarily planning on having a natural birth.  At that point, I didn't really fully understand what that meant.  I wanted to try not having an epidural and based on stories I heard, I really didn't want to get induced.  Natural childbirth sounded like a good idea but again my fear of pain made me question my ability to do so.  

The first step in our journey was choosing a provider.  I was currently seeing an OB-GYN but he was part of a huge practice so there was no guarantee that he would deliver my baby and I would likely have someone that I had never met before.  This is what first motivated me to get a midwife.  I was interested in having someone follow me throughout my entire pregnancy and then be there for the entire birth - not just the last 5 minutes.  Having a midwife did not mean having a home birth. It just meant having a provider with a slightly different perspective and focus on childbirth. 

As it turned out, I found that there were so many more benefits of seeing a midwife than just the guarantee that I would know who would be delivering my baby.  Both of my midwives really took their time with us and I discovered that their philosophy of care really resonated with me.  They focused on non-interventions in the absence of complications and encouraged Dave and I to be active participants in our care.  They ensured we had the information we needed but gave us the autonomy to make the decisions.  They focused heavily on evidenced based care instead of doing things because "that's the way we've always done it." 

Among all the information that they gave us, we were provided with a comprehensive list of different kinds of birthing classes available. This went beyond just the classes that the hospital offers. I reviewed the list of classes and came across Bradley classes.  This particularly sparked my interest because it was focused on natural childbirth and training the husband/partner to be a coach through labor and delivery.  I wanted Dave to have an active role in childbirth so it seemed to fit.  

The information we learned at our Bradley classes was invaluable.  It had a strong focus on natural childbirth and sometimes felt a bit biased on that side of things but what I really appreciated about it was how it taught us to be well informed and then make a decision on what we felt was best.  Throughout the class, we looked at inductions, C-sections, IV fluids during labor, epidurals, premature rupture of membranes, continuous fetal monitoring and more.  For each intervention, we looked at the benefits, risks, alternatives, and what our intuition told us about it.  This allowed us to not just go with what our medical system considers as "routine" but really question if it's the best intervention to use or know situations when it would be appropriate.  

It opened my eyes to the way our medical system operates.  Don't get me wrong, we are blessed to have great medical care and technology and if something goes wrong, we have great life saving procedures. However, I realized that not everything we do routinely for birth is necessarily evidenced based.  One thing that really caught my attention was the routine use of IV fluids during labor.  The reason women often get an IV in triage and later have IV fluids is so they can stay hydrated.  Often times hospitals will not allow women to eat or drink during labor in case they need to have a C-section and have general anesthesia.  There is a slight risk of aspiration in these situations so they make it routine for women to have nothing by mouth.   What I learned though is that IV fluids can dilute the hormones working in the body to help the labor process so labor can be slowed and not as effective.  It often causes swelling making breastfeeding difficult after delivery and also can cause a more dramatic weight loss in the baby after birth since the baby was impacted by the extra fluid as well.   Having an IV also inhibits the woman from moving about freely during labor and can cause unnecessary discomfort.  There are situations where an IV would be necessary but the evidence states it does not need to be routine.  

Bradley taught us a lot of other really helpful tools to prepare for labor including relaxation techniques and deep breathing.  There were several exercises recommended to do daily to prepare and strengthen muscles needed for labor and pushing.   

Through the Bradley classes, I was introduced to the idea of having a doula.  At first I was torn because I knew that my midwife would be there with me throughout the birth and wasn't sure that I would need another person since Dave was now pretty well informed of what to expect.  My midwife encouraged me to do most of my labor at home in order to avoid interventions at the hospital and also to be more comfortable.  We were also encouraged to have a doula as a support for Dave but also as more emotional support for me as the midwife would more be focused on the physical support.  

Since we were going to labor at home and because we are a half hour away from the hospital, we decided to hire a doula to help us at home and help us determine when it would be time to go to the hospital.  

Again, I fell in love our doula right away.  She met with us a couple times before birth, providing us with various tools and relaxation techniques.  She helped us create our birth plan - our preferences for birth knowing that not everything would be inside our control.  She provided ongoing phone/email support during the last part of my pregnancy and helped prepare me for labor.  

Through the support of my midwife, the Bradley classes and my doula, I started to become more confident that I could do this whole labor thing.  I felt empowered by all the information and was no longer so afraid of it.   I felt as prepared as I could be for something I never experienced before.  Of course, there was still the fear of the unknown.  Around 36 weeks, I started having some self doubt and feeling nervous about it but I just combated those negative thoughts with positive self talk, telling myself I could do it and that God created my body to give birth naturally.  I didn't let the fear get the best of me.  

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March 15, 2016  12:30 AM 

My water broke and my labor started.  I used what I had learned and practiced regarding relaxation and deep breathing.  Things progressed quickly - so much so that Dave didn't recognize how far along I was since he was assuming it wouldn't go so fast.  I knew I was farther along than he thought I was but had difficulty articulating it because I was so much in the zone of coping with my contractions.  By the time our doula got to our house, it was past due to go to the hospital as I was starting to transition into pushing.  She got in the back seat with me and assured me I wouldn't have the baby in the car which prevented me from completely panicking (I learned later she wasn't 100% sure about that haha ).  She reassured me that I was doing everything right and coached me through each contraction. I honestly don't know how I would have made it to the hospital without her. 

We arrived at the hospital at roughly 9 AM and Eli was born at 9:42 AM.   My midwife was absolutely amazing.  She had such a calming presence and gently coached me through the pushing and provided a ton of positive encouragement which really helped me get through it. 

I can't tell you the sense of accomplishment that I felt when it was all over. I did it! I was stronger than I thought I was and felt so empowered that I had done it without any interventions or pain medication.  

Of course none of that compares to the moment when I took Eli into my arms and met him for the first time.  It was so miraculous and overwhelming beautiful. 

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Would I describe my labor and delivery as painless? No.   It was very intense, not easy and I was glad it was over.  But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and there was never a moment where I felt that I couldn't handle it or couldn't do it anymore.  Granted, it was a very fast labor and I can imagine having more difficulty during a long drawn out labor.  

Of course I'll never know what labor would have been like without my midwife, the Bradley classes, my doula and all the preparation I did - I never will.  But I do feel that they all played a part in giving me the confidence I needed to get through labor and the confidence to be able to do it without a lot of interventions.  I wouldn't change anything about my birth experience (except being at the hospital a little bit sooner hehe).   I am so grateful that Eli's birth was not a means to an end but a journey - a journey that I am glad to have experienced as it allowed me to trust my body with what it was created to do.  

Thank you to our midwives Sarah Lagrand and Breck Reinsma and our doula Brenda Baar for helping us! 

For more information: 

http://www.aobgyn.com 

http://www.overthemoondoula.com/

http://www.bradleybirth.com/

http://evidencebasedbirth.com/

Remembering Danny

This Saturday will mark one year since we lost our dear friend Danny.  He will always have a special place in our hearts and we look forward to the day when we will be reunited with him in heaven.  Here is a letter I wrote to him as a way to process, reflect and remember his life and life without him over the past year. <3 

Danny,

It's hard to believe that it's been one year since we've lost you.  I have been thinking a lot about you lately as I think about memories and think about what this past year has been like without you.  

I'm grateful for the fun memories I have with you: watching Lost at the Ridgewood house, going to Coldplay and The National concerts, Spring Break 2010, camping and playing games.  We occasionally played games with the four of us and you usually took the longest to play your turn. :)  We could see the wheels turning as you carefully and strategically thought out each move.   I suppose that's what made you so good at games. :)  

Though we had lots of fun times together, we had our hard moments together as well.   I can still remember your face when Dave and I shared with you and Corrine that we were struggling with infertility. Your face displayed such care and concern. You patiently listened and didn't say things to try and fix it but grieved with us and gave me such a big strong hug that I knew you were hurting with me.  Your response to our struggle meant a lot to me. Thank you for that.  I can also see your face when I walked into the emergency room a year ago.  I saw the concern and the pain in your eyes and wished I could make it better.  I had trouble sleeping the night before you passed away, thinking about you and feeling like something wasn't right.   Little did I know what was to come. 

November 7 is a day that I still remember so vividly.  The sunrise on my way to work was so breathtaking and the verse from Lamentations came to my mind.  I texted you but I don't think you ever saw it and little did I know that I would be reading that same verse at your funeral. 

Seeing the sunrise this morning on my way to work, I was reminded by the verse that His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness. He promises to never let you go. Love you.  

On my lunch break that day, I went to Walgreens to buy Sea Bands since my fertility drugs were making me feel nauseous.  I bought an extra pair for you and planned to drop them off on my way home from work.   I wanted to help you feel better. 

I will never forget the moment when I got that phone call.  Even after a year, I can remember the shock, the disbelief, the sinking feeling in my gut when I heard the words, "Danny passed away." 

Even thinking back on the day, as vivid as it is in my mind, it still seems surreal.  How did we lose you?  The nurse side of me starts to ask the what ifs though I know that God in His sovereignty allowed for that to happen.  I am so grateful that Dave and I saw you the night before you passed away.  So grateful that I had spent so much time with you the previous month.  I will forever cherish those moments. 

After the funeral, I wanted time to stand still.  It seemed wrong that the rest of the world carried on yet you weren’t here anymore.  Yet, time kept moving.  

It’s been an up and down year.  Every time I’m with Aria, especially when it’s just me and her, I think about how proud you would be of her.  I think about the promise I made to myself to help take care of Corrine and Aria in your absence.  I also think how blessed I am to be a part of Aria’s life.   If I could change this, I would bring you back but God has a way of redeeming even the crappiest things and one of those things is having Corrine and Aria in my life in a way that they never would have been otherwise. 

I hope that heaven gives you glimpses of your little girl.  She has captured my heart and the heart of so many others.   (She's totally got Dave's heart too! :))  I see God's grace written all over her through her (almost) constant smiling face, her giggles, her snuggles, her little pats on the back that she gives to Corrine, her wet kisses.  It's so fun to watch her learn and grow.  You would be so proud of her...she is extremely smart, just like her parents. 

You would be so proud of Corrine as well.  God has given her such grace as she navigates this world of single parenthood.  She is an AMAZING mom.  She continues to think of others before herself and has stayed strong in her faith.  Our friendship has grown immensely and I am so blessed by her kindness, compassion, honesty, and love.  

In the midst of reflecting on the void our lives have now, I also think about how blessed you are to be experiencing the full glory of our LORD Jesus Christ.  As Christians on this earth, we long for that day to see Him face to face and you beat us to the party. J   We miss you lots but praise God for the hope that we have of heaven.  Can't wait to join you for the party.   Love you Danny.

Angela

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

"For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.  I know that full well."
Psalm 139:13-14

Today we had our 20 week ultrasound.

Leading up to this week, I was feeling very nervous.  About a week ago, I came down with the stomach flu and couldn't keep anything down.  I was so worried about the baby and worried Baby wasn't getting what he/she needed because I couldn't eat or drink.   I've been concerned over that in general throughout my pregnancy since eating has been a challenge.

My worry continued as I've watched loved ones around me get flung on different paths than they were hoping or expecting.  As I grieve with those close to me who have lost a loved one or are mourning a relationship, I've become quite aware that things may not turn out the way we plan them to.

All of this has been my first (of many) lesson of parenthood in surrendering control and giving it back to God.  I ultimately know that God is the one who has this child in His hands, not me.  It is His breath that sustains life in this little one.  Yes, He has entrusted us with the responsibility of raising and nurturing our child but ultimately He determines the steps and future of him/her.

This morning, I felt a peace wash over me.  I knew that whatever the results, God would be there and I made a decision that if the results ended up not being what we hoped for, I would still trust God with His plan no matter how difficult.  I am so grateful that God has given us yet another gift of grace and has blessed us with normal results and a healthy baby so far.

It is truly a miracle to see this life inside of me and to feel him/her move around.  I am daily amazed at the miracle of life and how God truly has knit each of us together.  I can't help but praise Him for who He is and for creating me and this little one inside of me.  To Him be the glory.

Pregnancy After Infertility

My journey of infertility didn't end when I became pregnant.

Of course the infertility part is over but I found that the effects of our journey were not quick to disappear.

Days after finding out we were pregnant, I felt a tug of war within myself.  I was so grateful and happy for our news yet there was some reservation.  I prayed for this for so long so why was I having all these other emotions?

Don't get me wrong, I never felt ungrateful but after months of praying and wrestling, it was hard for me to simply switch gears. Early on, the grief of infertility still stuck to me like a wet blanket.   I discovered that the grief was more familiar to me than the pregnancy.  I was well acquainted with grief; it had been my companion for two years and did not immediately disappear as I had expected.  The pregnancy still felt surreal (or not real at all) and I wasn't quite sure what to do with my experiences over the past 2 years.  I began to wonder how I would still be able to relate to and encourage those who had been walking the infertility journey with me. I was moving on from that stage in the journey and wanted so badly to bring them with me.  I knew that they would be happy for me but also that I would now be a reminder of what they were still waiting for.  I had "graduated" from that group yet I didn't really feel like I fit in with other pregnant moms.  My growing belly didn't tell the story of where I've been and I felt this need to explain to everyone that this pregnancy did not come without difficulty.

I think this need to explain stemmed from a fear that my pregnancy would negate the journey and minimize the pain it took to get here. However, as time has gone by, I've realized that infertility will always be a part of who I am and it's a part of my story and God's story in my life.  It was no mistake that I experienced what I did and that I am where I am now.  I learned invaluable lessons that I know will remind me of God's faithfulness especially in the midst of the storms yet to come.  Part of my heart will always remain in the infertility community and I continue to pray for those still struggling.

I am happy to say that the grief has taken a back seat as I watch my body change and my belly grow.  Every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded by the miraculous gift that has been entrusted to me and I am filled with joy and peace.  I am so grateful for this next stage in our journey and looking forward to the lessons God will teach me in parenthood. :) 

Our Gift

Our Gift.

That's the title of this Willow Tree figurine I bought for Dave for our anniversary this year.  Part of me didn't want to buy it because my doubts about having a baby were growing but it was a reminder for me to not give up and to keep trusting that our prayer would some day be answered.  There were days that I wanted to throw it across the room, frustrated that another month and another negative pregnancy test had gone by.  Sometimes I wanted to hide it out of sight as it was too painful of a reminder of what we didn't have. However it remained on our bedroom dresser along with the pair of baby shoes we bought last year and we kept waiting and hoping. 


Now that we are pregnant (thank you Lord!), "Our Gift" continues to serve as a reminder to keep trusting.  Although our prayers have been answered, our trust shouldn't stop here.  God is still in complete control of this child's life and we need to trust His plan for him/her.  I've already done a pretty good job of glamorizing parenthood over the past two years so I know I will need to trust in God's grace to get me through the challenging days.  :) 

I also pray that "Our Gift" will help me to REMEMBER.   I was recently reading the book of Joshua and the Israelites had just crossed the Jordan River on dry ground to begin their conquest of Canaan.  Before they went any further, God instructed Joshua to take 12 large stones and build a memorial so that when their children would ask what the stones meant, they would remember and share what God had done.  

I see this figurine as my memorial.  A visual to remind us of our journey of infertility - how God showed up in the pain and how I grew through the trials.  A reminder of our lack of control and of God's sovereignty.  It also represents the couples who continue to wait and hope for a child and reminds me to pray for them and to not forget their pain.  Finally, it truly reminds me of our gift that God has given us and His grace of granting us the desire of our hearts.  I know there will be difficult days ahead and days that I will likely forget that this is what I longed for.  I pray that this will be a reminder of the wait, the longing, and the amazing, beautiful miracle of this life inside of me.  God has heard our prayers and I feel so humbled and grateful that He has given us the opportunity to love and raise this child.  

Thank you for praying for us and supporting us and we ask that you continue to pray for us as we enter this new phase of our lives.  We ask that you also remember and pray for those who are still waiting.  <3