Learning to be loved

I've been reading blogs of people very dear to me recently and they've inspired me to resurrect my own blog.  I can't compete with their writing skills but I can try ;) 

God revealed something to me the other day. It was simple yet profound and I'm still working on carving out some time to really ponder it and explore it more deeply.  

I was with my husband and thinking about his kindness, his patience, and his love.  I was thinking about how safe I feel with him and how certain I am of his love for me.  There are times when I don't understand why he loves me the way he does, how he can love me with all my imperfections but I never doubt that he does.  I don't try to earn his love and I don't think I need to do anything in order for him to love me.  He just does. He loves me for who I am....warts and all.  

I've often thought about how my husband's personality and demeanor is just what I need and how I probably would have struggled more in a marriage with someone who has a different personality type.  

As an ennegram one, I struggle with the question and inner voice that is constantly asking, "Am I good enough?" I strive for perfection and at my worst I believe my value is tied to how "good" I am.  Whatever that means. 

So to have a husband who is so gentle and does such a great job affirming me often, I have come to trust his love and believe that there's nothing I could do for him to love me less. 

So as I'm thinking of all this, God started to speak. 

Why is it so easy for you to trust Dave's love for you yet doubt my love for you? I love you more than Dave does so why do you think you have to earn my love? I don't love you based on what you do or don't do, I love you no matter what.  

And then I realized that maybe God was quite intentional with who he picked to be my husband.  He gave me Dave as a glimpse of His love for me. He knew I would always struggle with believing in His unconditional love, so he gave me a human example of what that looks like (however imperfect that might be)...which makes sense because one of the primary purposes of marriage is to reflect God's love to the world, right? 

So I hope to sit in that a little more. Think about Dave's love for me and then multiple that by a million to just scratch the surface on God's love for me.  It's incomprehendable but maybe little by little I'll be able to trust more and more that He loves me when I think I'm being "good" and just as much when I think I've totally screwed up.  

Just the fact that he gave me Dave is an example of how he cares for me and wants to show me the riches of his love.  And I'm so so grateful for that.  

LISTEN

I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions.  Partly because it's not really part of my personality and I've always had a pessimistic view of them.  Why make one if no one really keeps them anyways?

I was reading another blogger and instead of making a resolution, she chose a single word for 2017.  Something she wanted to define the year by.

There were lots of words that came to mind for me but I've landed on LISTEN.

I've recently realized that I am a terrible listener.  Or at least a lot worse than I thought I was.  (There's probably some "Amens!" out there from my family and friends).

I was listening to a lecture on leadership and the speaker said, "if you're thinking about what you're going to say next, you're not really listening."   Guilty.  I do that all the time.  I often think I need to have the answers or have a really good piece of advice to offer so while the other person is talking I'm thinking about how I would handle the situation or what to say to them next to share my opinion. Totally not listening.  

How would my relationships be different if I really listened?  If I removed my agenda, my opinions and ONLY listened?  It sounds kind of freeing actually.  I don't have to think about how I'm going to argue my point, give my opinion, or offer advice.  I just have to listen and really soak in what the person is trying to say.

It's usually pretty obvious if someone isn't really listening to you.  I want people to feel that they have my full attention because that's what makes people feel valued.  It's a way of telling them they are more important than the text message I just got or the to-do list that running through my mind.  And they are more important than my desire to look good and give "wise" advice.  Since when is advice giving wanted anyways?  Most people aren't looking for it unless they specifically ask for it.  They just want someone to listen.

This isn't going to be easy.  Since it's a resolution, it's bound to fail right?  But I'm still going to try and be better at it than I was yesterday.

Becoming Uncomfortable with the Comfortable Life

For weeks now, maybe even months I keep having this desire to write and document how God is currently working in my life.  Then the business of work and motherhood and just life creeps in and by the end of the day my brain isn't capable of forming sentences anymore.

But this stuff is too good and too scary and too big to keep to myself forever so it's time to finally get it on paper. If anything, it's a way for me to look back and see how God has stretched me farther than I thought was possible.

God has been speaking to me quite loudly through books, sermons and conversations lately and has been challenging the way I've thought about my faith and Christianity.   There is so much I could go into here...so much that God has been revealing to me.  But it pretty much boils down to:

What if God is calling me to something more? 

I love having a comfortable life.  I have an awesome husband and beautiful son.  I love our home and the small quiet town that we live in.  We have loving family and friends. We have a great life.  Isn't this what God has called me to?  If things are going well, doesn't that mean that I'm in God's will?

Although a large part of me is happy with continuing this comfortable life, there is a part of me that feels unsettled and I'm sensing the Holy Spirit is making me uncomfortable with my comfortable life so He can really show up in a big way and show me what a life after Christ really looks like.  As Jennie Allen asks in her book Anything, I'm asking myself, "What if my life was going so beautifully because I wasn't chasing after God?"  

God has been telling me lately ( over and over again) that following Jesus is costly.   I'm faced with the question that if I say I'm following Jesus and it's not costing me anything, am I really following?  Can I follow Jesus AND have a comfortable, easy life?  I'm not sure anymore.

The early church leaders in the Bible certainly didn't live comfortable lives. Most were martyred for Christ's sake. They were persecuted and far from home in order to share God's love with the world.

Does this mean I have to sell everything and move across the world? Maybe, maybe not.  Being uncomfortable can manifest itself in many ways. Moving would be uncomfortable (to put it lightly) but so would talking with my neighbors about God.   I think the point is more about how I'm not sure that God wants me to comfortable.  Comfort tells me that I'm doing fine on my own, that I don't really need God. Comfort tends to put my God in a box instead of seeing what He can do when I get out of the way.

In a lot of ways, I am sick of just standing on the sidelines. I'm sick of calling the play then sitting on the bench.  I'm curious about what a life surrendered to Jesus looks like.  What He could do in my life if I took out my own agenda and plans and just listened to the Holy Spirit and where He wants to lead me.

And yet the idea of going through with this makes me go into a cold sweat.  It scares me.  I've had lots of tears lately, growing pains I'll call it, as God is slowly trying to bring me to a place where I'll do anything for Him.

His latest question to me as been, Do you love me more than your husband?  More than your son? More than your desire to grow your family? More than your quiet, peaceful life in Zeeland?

I want my answer to yes. I think we all do, but if God took my husband, my son, my home, my own life, would I still be able to say "Praise the name of the Lord?"

So I'm praying that God will continue to work in my heart and bring me to a place where I can say I will do anything for Him.

Even though this scares me so much...just writing this all out and admitting it on paper, my stomach is in knots and tears come to my eyes...I also know that this is what Jesus meant when He said that only when we lose our life will we find it.  He also reminds us that He will not only give us life but life to the FULL.  It's not easy but I do believe it is a joy filled life.

Stay tuned.  I have a feeling that God is going to shake up my life even more.

Six Months

6 months. Half a year.  In some ways it feels it has gone by quickly yet it's also hard to imagine life without our little (or not so little) Eli.  Time is funny that way.

Every day has been a blessing.  That's not to say that there aren't days when I'm completely exhausted or get impatient or frustrated.  Trust me, the days are far from perfect but at the end of the day as I put him to bed and watch him sleep, my heart is so full and I thank God for blessing us with another day with our son.  

I love being a mom  I've had a few different jobs over the years but nothing has given me as much of a sense of purpose and fulfillment than being a mom.  I feel totally in my element and feel that it's something that comes naturally for me.  This does not mean I'm perfect or don't doubt myself on a regular basis.  My husband will tell you how I've asked countless times, "Are we doing the right thing?!??"  But every day that I get with Eli feels like such a privilege to be able to watch him grow and learn.  To be able to hold him and kiss his cheeks and tell him how much I love him.  It all seems too good to be true.  

You might think I'm a little morbid for thinking this but I'm under a constant realization that I don't have control over Eli's life and God could chose to take him at any moment.  I wouldn't say it's something I'm constantly thinking about or worrying about but it's just a reminder that every day is a gift.  I think it also comes from the realization and experience that life doesn't always go as planned.   Seasons always change and there will be storms that will come again.  

Until then, I am making every effort to enjoy every day of this joyful season.  I'm trying to soak it all in, to relish every moment, not take anything for granted.  It's tempting to think ahead and get excited for the "next" thing. But I'm reminded by these past 6 months that time goes so fast so I'm taking time to enjoy the present moment.  I know I won't be able to hold him in my arms forever.  And let's face it, once he starts crawling and walking there's no turning back...and once he starts talking I'll probably look back on these days quite fondly. :)  

It's easy to be joyful in this season when things are going so well.  I pray that God will remind me of this attitude when the storms come again and that I will learn to be grateful not just in the good times but the hard times as well.  To learn to not take things for granted even when it's more tempting to wish the days away. 

Today, I celebrate the joy the past 6 months has brought to me and the love and grace God has shown me through this little (or not so little) boy so full of life and love and laughter.  I love you Eli and I love being your mom!

P.S.  You're so adorable I can hardly stand it! 

Love Through Food

So I decided to do it - I had my first (quite informal) "supper club" meeting last week.  I was inspired to do this by some authors I've been reading (you can read more about that here).  It's not an official group yet and there are no guidelines yet on what it will look like.   To start off, I just invited some of my girlfriends over for dinner with just one "rule."  No kids. :) 

That morning in the kitchen, I was in my element.  Trying new recipes, music on, ingredients and utensils spread out all over the kitchen, mixing flavors together to create something delicious.  

As a side note, I'm reading Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist and there are 29 recipes in it.  My goal is to go through them all.  I had done 5 up until that night so I decided to try out 2 more for our "supper club" dinner. 

I decided on chicken enchiladas with chips and salsa (and margaritas) for dinner and flourless brownies for dessert.  I've never been a big chocolate person until after I had Eli...not even so much when I was pregnant.  Maybe the amazing chocolate cake I ate in the hospital after giving birth triggered the chocolate center in my brain and it hasn't been turned off since. ;)  

Despite trying 2 recipes for the first time, I was pretty convinced that everything would turn out perfectly.   Now, baking has never been my forte. (This is why I cook instead).  Baking is all about timing things just right.  Take it out of the oven to soon and you're eating warm batter. Take it out too late and it's hard as a rock.  I rarely seem to get it right and usually it's on the gooey side because there's nothing worse than burnt cookies.  

So these brownies were tricky.  There are flourless so I was expecting them to be more fudge-y than cake-y.  But I still think I undercooked them.  I was slightly disappointed and debated not serving them at all since they didn't turn out like I had planned and I didn't want my guests eating brownie batter (despite the fact that it's still chocolate and still delicious).  But then I remembered what I read in Shauna's book.  

Entertaining people in your home isn't about putting on a show and making everything perfect.  It's about making your guests feel comfortable and allowing them space to be who they need to be in that moment.  She says, 

"...entertaining isn't a sport or a competition. It's an act of love, if you let it be.  You can twist it and turn it into anything you want - a way to show off your house, a way to compete with your friends, a way to earn love and approval. Or you can decide that every time you open your door, it's an act of love, not performance or competition or striving. You can decide that every time people gather around your table, you goal is nourishment, not neurotic proving. You can decide." (p 195) 

So I decided that I would serve those imperfect brownies.  We added some vanilla ice cream to them and they were fantastic. 

But even more fantastic was the company and conversation.  We are all mothers, two of us very recent mothers, one single mother and many of us mothers who struggle to take time for ourselves.  It was amazing to take a step back from our normal, busy routines, to take off our "mom" hats and just BE.  I was grateful for the community we created around that dinner table; the time we took to nourish our bodies and our souls.   I hope that my guests saw it as an act of love, a space where they could breathe for just a moment, enjoy the hot summer weather - not worry about making dinner or doing the dishes.   I hope to do this more.  There are many ways we can show love to others.  My way just happens to be through food. :)  

For This Child I Prayed

For This Child I Prayed. 

This plaque sits on the wall directly across from the rocking chair in Eli's room.  Whether I'm rocking him to sleep, feeding him in the middle of the night or reading him a story, I look at it often and each time I do, I say a little prayer of thanks to God.  It's a constant reminder of the miracle He has given to us. 

This week I am especially reminded of this.  This past weekend Dave, Eli and I spent a night at Interlochen State Park where Dave's parents were camping, the same weekend that we spent camping there last year.  I remember that weekend quite vividly as it was the weekend before I found out I was pregnant.  

About this time last year, Dave and I had taken a break from fertility treatments.  I was burned out, didn't have any fight left in me and just needed the summer to clear my mind from ovulation tests, fertility drugs and negative pregnancy tests. That weekend while we were camping, I kept waiting for that monthly cycle to come around as I knew it would. 

Day after day, I kept waiting. As each day passed, I would get my hopes up then quickly suppress them as I knew better than to set myself up for disappointment.  I specifically remember walking to the bathhouse with Dave, feeling the cramps, and feeling frustrated, wishing it would just come already so my mind would stop playing games with me.   

By Sunday there was still no sign.  I was late but refused to take a pregnancy test.  I just knew it would be negative and couldn't handle another disappointment. 

By Tuesday night I was going crazy.  I asked God to spare me from the all the wondering and if my period was going to come, to just get it over and done with.  I decided that I would take a pregnancy test the next morning.  Even if it was negative, I just had to know. My heart couldn't take it anymore. 

Wednesday morning I woke up before Dave and took a test.  Unlike the previous 22 months, I couldn't watch it and wanted to wait until the time was up before looking at it. But out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw 2 blue lines.  Before really looking, I got Dave out of bed so he could look with me. There were 2 lines.  Clear as day. No question.  We both sat on the bathroom floor trembling, hugging each other and I started to cry.  It was so surreal.  We immediately prayed and thanked God for blessing us with this gift.  

So this weekend as I was walking back from that same bathhouse, on that same path I walked a year ago, I was filled with emotion as all the memories and feelings flooded back to me. The waiting. The tears. The hopes and disappointments. 

And as I walked to our campsite, tears in my eyes thinking how Eli is here with us now, again I was reminded. 

For This Child I Prayed.  For This Child We Prayed.  

I thanked God for answering our prayer, so humbled and grateful for what He has given us. 

I'll always remember that little path and how God can bring beauty from the ashes. Interlochen will always have a special place in my heart as it marked the end of our infertility journey and the beginning of a new chapter in our lives.  

And I will continue to remind myself through the sweet and hard moments that For This Child I Prayed. <3    I love you, Eli.  

Community Around the Dinner Table

Last week I finished a book called "For the Love" by Jen Hatmaker and I'm currently in the middle of "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist.  Both of these books and authors have really struck a chord with me and I feel that these ladies are "my people."  I love it when I read a blog or in this case a book and it feels that the author has somehow discovered a secret window into my life and has written my thoughts and feelings and experiences and beliefs in a such a beautiful perfect way that I could have never articulated myself.  Every page I turn, I think "yes, I know exactly what you mean!" or "I think that all the time!" 

These books have really gotten me to ponder on the things that are important in life and the theme that has stuck out the most is finding community around the dinner table.  They both have a love for cooking and a deep appreciation for good food, which I also share with them.   They both have supper clubs either weekly or monthly where they sit around the table with those they love and nourish their bodies and souls with good food, laughter and company.  What they describe at these supper clubs sounds so magical, something beautiful being created out of something so mundane and ordinary like eating.  

Then I realized how much of Jesus's ministry was spent around food or eating.  He turned water to wine at a party, fed thousands with some loaves of bread and a couple of fish.  He cooked breakfast for his friends and shared meals with the tax collectors and outcasts.   His last night with his closest friends was spent around the table with bread and wine.  

There is something so mysterious and beautiful about sharing a meal with people you love.  It forces us to slow down from our fast food paced lives and savor each bite and moment and appreciate it for what it is.  It reminds us what's truly important in life (good food, in my opinion, is up there). 

All of this has made me consider possibly putting together my own supper club.  So we'll see where that goes.  In the meantime, find some friends, cook them a meal and experience the beauty and joy that comes from eating around the dinner table and experiencing authentic community.